Morning Wood: Crossing Swords

Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 9.14.02 AMPhoto: Philly Sports Daily

I want to continue the Wood this fall, when the Eagles and Flyers start up their regular season campaigns. Here’s the problem: it needs a new name. Morning Wood was meant only for the Phillies (ya know, bat-wood… it’s a stretch), we’re going to need something else for football and hockey. I’m thinking high sticking for hockey and, perhaps, under center for football. But admittedly those names could use a little work. Taking suggestions in the comments…

I’m not going to spend too much time on preseason football games that most folks don’t even think should be played, but let’s talk Birds for a moment.

No more than one quarter in (he didn’t watch the first game), my father was ready to fire Juan Castillo. Just straight up fire him. I haven’t seen him that reactive about a coach since Jay Wright’s second season at Villanova… and we all know how that turned out. Moral of the story: give Juan a chance. At least Juan full-game.

Michael Vick was equally as bad. He possessed that rare combination of confidence and stupidity, a concoction usually only seen in late-game, failed-comeback Favre. That’s hard to do. Most mortals will stop trying to throw the ball into an area the size of a pea after the first or second interception. But you can relax, folks- it’s the preseason.

I was a bit surprised to see Joe Buck calling the game. FOX rolled out its A team for a preseason tuneup. Unlike you, I think Buck is fine (he doesn’t hate Philly, so just stop), has a snarky, dry sense of humor, and rarely gets flustered in front of the millions he’s speaking to. That said, something looked off about him last night:

Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 8.22.40 AM

No, not just that screen grab. I know he has a vocal chord problem, but there was something else. He was squirmier than usual. I wasn’t sure if he was just really excited to introduce Terry Bradshaw as the guest commentator or wanted to kiss the Mr. Skin-rated ex-QB. Reader Jonmichael Daly (real name? because, if so- awesome) put it best:

Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 9.04.23 AM

I’d argue he looked more like the horny, sex-deprived Phi Chi bookworm who pre-gamed with one-too-many Midori Sours because she needed to let off some steam from mid-terms. Tomato, tomato

Anyway, the Eagles were bad and I enjoyed FOX’s addition to the booth. Bradshaw kept things light, and despite talking over Joe a few times, did what Tony Kornheiser tried to do for Monday Night Football. I’m sure ESPN will figure out a way to keep Bradshaw away from the FOX booth. Let’s Wood.

I really wanted to make an Independence Day comment about the sky at CBP, but T-Mac stole my thunder (puns), which means the joke is no longer cool. RIP, my Bill Pullman quote.

Last night’s game was a mysterious hybrid of the Flaccid Duck and a reverse Kyle Kendrick Special: it wasn’t quite enough of a blowout to qualify as a Flaccid Duck, and the Phillies were on the giving end of the Kyle Kendrick Special (Kensington Strangler), slowly squeezing any and all life out of the D-Backs… and me (I was asleep by the sixth inning). I think the only logical name for this game would be a Wet Worley. Beyond the obvious, this shall be any game in which The Vanimal – yet again – inexplicably takes control early while the offense methodically tacks on runs. It doesn’t really matter if it’s raining- Vance will sweat enough for all of us.

The Phillies won, 4-1. How’s that for burying the lede, bitches?

Worley talked about his abbreviated outing. Video via CSN and their fancy new video player:

David Herndon came on in relief. He talked about it [via David Hale and his Flip Cam]

Shane Victorino had his suspension reduced from three games to two.

Hunter Pence is doing his best Michael Vick, shilling products on his Twitter:

Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 9.12.22 AM

Gonzo makes the case for more Mayberry.

I’d like to note that our naming conventions for Phillies games are – I’d argue – significantly better than the nonsense you see on

Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 8.57.43 AM
Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 8.57.43 AM


Finally, J-Roll™ Tweeted all the way to D.C. Roy Halladay pops up in The Game’s latest jammy jam. We’ll have more on that in just a few.


  1. for the flyers name how bout morning puck,a play off morning fuck, i’m sure jeff carter would approve of it god i miss him!

  2. Morning Kickoff. Morning Faceoff

  3. Phillies: Morning Wood (duh)
    Flyers: Morning Flight Report (Play on the Fly part? Cheese alert lol)
    Eagles: Monday/Friday Morning Quarterback (Friday in case there’s any Thursday games?)

  4. Someone finally gives Raul some cred. I know he is streaky, but when the guy smacks 2 doubles and a RBI and people are still peeing themselves over Mayberry.
    I like May, but don’t htink he’s magically going to be a star. Remember Brown?

  5. i’m with rich allen for the the flyers reports– “morning puck” is the clear winner… unless a clearer winner comes along.
    as for the eagles, something with “pigskin” in it has to be used. “tossing the pigskin”?

  6. Im all for Morning puck as Rich said! Good one!

  7. “Pulling the Goalie” and “After ‘Skin”
    like pig skin. and foreskin, but after.

  8. Captain Stabbin'

    August 19, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Flyers: Morning Iceholes
    Eagles: Early Birds

  9. Hockey – “Morning in the Box”
    and its box as in penalty box…perverts
    Football – “Morning Challenge”
    cuz trying to pee with morning wood is always a challenge…

  10. Flyers – Going Inside the Crease
    Eagles – The (Rear) End Zone

  11. Flyers : five minute major
    Eagles : Monday ice bath

  12. I hate football, but Early Birds is damn good. A.M. Flight Report or something of that nature that works better than Morning Flight Report would be cool. Maybe… The Orange & Black List (Blacklist?). I’ll ponder…

  13. Flyers- Five Holes
    Eagles- Going Deep

  14. Was Terry Bradshaw high, drunk, or just plain old last night? That dude was an emotional train wreck..

  15. Flyers: Morning Faceoff
    Eagles: Morning Beak (as in the beak of the eagle)
    Sixers (remember them?): Morning Dribble
    As for last night’s Eagles game, while I put no stock in preseason contests, what I watched last night was uglier than sin, especially Mike Vick (or “Michael Pick” from back page of the Daily News, bravo to them) and those interceptions he threw. Oh, and did the defense make the trip to Pittsburgh? Sure didn’t look like it from what I had seen. In a word—-UGH!!

  16. Eagles- You have numerous options.
    “Morning 4-Downs”, or “Daily Downs”…could be themed and do each story prefaced with 1st down, second down…
    Morning Quick Hits, Morning Playbook..
    Flyers options:
    I like Morning Puck. That’s solid, but not as solid as…
    Morning FACEoff

  17. Early Birds is the early leader for football.

  18. …I just realized I think they do the 4 downs thing on TMZspn, so bag that shiz.
    Early Birds is good. Stay getting that worm.

  19. Wait….is that you Britton(Face)?

  20. Flyers;
    Flight Check-in
    Dropping The Gloves
    Morning Bryz (since the majority of the city will blwo him all season before he implodes in the playoffs, plus… it’s a play on morning piss, which we all do)
    Dry Island Breakfast Special
    Eh… just tossing shit out there.

  21. Morning Skate?

  22. Nope. I’m THE FACE. Smugface. Sadface. Clownface. Yourface. Myface.The world…face…yeah…but no I don’t know said Britton.
    I just thought of another one. Canadian Bacon. Score.

  23. Early Birds and Morning Skate better win.
    Hands down the two best suggestions.

  24. Morning Skate for the Flyers and Morning Walk-through for the Eagles

  25. If Vick keeps throwing the way he did last night you could call it “Vick-6″

  26. Flyers: Poke Check
    Eagles: Have to agree with Early Birds

  27. How about: “Kyle Scott’s dick and fart joke laden exploratory of the Philadelphia Flyers, morning edition” ..?
    What, I think it has a chance.
    p.s. How come no one is talking about Vick’s hit on Polomalu (sp?) last night?

  28. Eagles – “Morning Hog” or “Morning Left Overs”
    Flyers – “Morning on ice”

  29. Captain Stabbin'

    August 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

    If you’re using Early Birds, you can make that check payable to Captain Stabbin’!

  30. Maybe someone has their hand up Buck’s ass like a puppet because he died mysteriously. Like weekend at Bernie’s, but he’s more of a hand puppet than marionette. Good theory? I think so.

  31. Ooooh! I like Morning Skate for the Flyers! Bravo! Let’s go with that!

  32. Defenestrate Wheels

    August 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Andy Rieds Breakfast Burrito, ya know cause hes fat

  33. “Flying P(h)uck!”

  34. Early Birds hands down…

  35. Sherry, Brown has his own issues, but don’t equate him with Mayberry in potential or current ability. Although he’s not the potential star Dom is, right now Mayberry has a much quicker swing and is able to see pitches better from both lefties and righties. As a platoon situation, he is the perfect relief for Raul. Ibanez had a nice game but is ice cold over the last 3 weeks.
    Flyers: JJ’s Stash
    Eagles: What’s Barking

  36. Joe Buck sux because he is DULL, Dull, dull. He drones on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…
    I’m praying for the day Aikman snaps out of his fux brainwashing treatment and just beats Buck into a bloody pulp.
    And funny? Please, you’re confusing him with his father RIP.
    Speaking of which, when it’s time for your da to shake off his mortal coil (don’t be all indignant about it, it’ll happen to all of us, even you and meself), will your ma let you move out of the basement and perhaps even into the master bedroom? (Of course she’ll have to go to another room, I’m not that perverted and I think you’re not like that either… right?)
    PS: For Flyers it should be “Intention to Blow” (as in the refs whistle rules). I always hahahahahahahah when I hear that. I don’t know about Eagles, have to ponder it some more, so I’ll punt it for now (pun intended hahahahah). Hey, that’s it. How about “PUNT!” hahah

  37. Early birds
    Andys ham sandwiches
    Poke checks and penalty boxes

  38. Flyers: Morning Puck for sure! It has the most similar sexual reference to your Morning Wood. Eagles: I know Early Birds is the fave, but for a post the day after a game, I hate the “early” part. Just sayin’

  39. Morning shaft for hockey… like shaft of a hockey stick?… forget it…

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