Morning Wood: The Man Edition

Let’s set the scene: I was nine-years-old and starting the fourth grade. It was September 24th, 1992, the Phillies were playing the Cubs. For – at least – the third year in a row, my family had a 16-game plan to the Vet. I had a spelling test the next day.

After Ruben Amaro made an out to end the 7th inning (look it up), we decided to leave. After all, my Dad wanted me to start the big fourth grade (…) off on the right foot. It was one of the few times (still is) that we left a game early.

Over the course of the next three innings (went 10), we would miss the following: Juan Bell’s inside-the-park home run, Dave Hollins charging the mound, and Ricky Jordan hitting a walk-off single. A classic Premature Ejectulation if there ever was one.

Even at the ripe (easy, ladies), young age of nine, thanks to watching Bob Dernier’s walk-off version (still for my money Harry's greatest call ever) on a constant loop, I was always fascinated with the inside-the-parker. And fights. I love fights, too. Needless to say, I was crushed – angry – that we left. This is why I never (ok, very rarely) leave games early. You never know what might happen.

Well, fast-forward 19 years. I’ve seen – in person – an All-Star game (’96), two no-hitters (Mulholland and Doc), three World Series, a pennant clincher (’09), at least two cycles (Gregg Jefferies and Alex Ochoa), someone steal home (Jayson Werth), a Stanley Cup Finals game (’97), a host of NBA and NFL games (including division clinchers and playoffs), my team clinch a Final Four birth on a buzzer beater (Scottie Reynolds), and a myriad other incredible sports moments. Hell, I updated the Phillies webpage the night they won the World Series. 

Still no inside-the-park home run or bench-clearing brawl. And I dnt splel god, ehtier.

Last night, sitting with my Dad in our season ticket seats, I watched Chase Utley take care of one of those. He is the man.

Let’s Wood.

Here’s video of Chase’s inside-the-park home run and Chase calling Wheels “Muff” after the game. Here's Scott Franzke's call.

Shane Victorino with the Superfly Jimmy Snuka, who sat in the press box for most of the game… next to Paul Hagen. I just imagine that scene in Beetlejuice where Michael Keaton sat next to the reserved guy with the weird head. Hmm… this one:


Vance Worley dangled his dick for prospective trade partners. Sell high, Rube. Sell high! Video of Vance post game here.

Jim Salisbury thinks Amaro needs to make a move.

The Phillies are interested in Carlos Quentin.

Joe Blanton is unlikely to return this year and other mostly inconsequential tidbits.

The Pirates and, in turn, Phillies got absolutely jobbed last night.

And finally, hipsters at baseball games:


Thanks to (@TheLink222) for the pic.


13 Responses

  1. Kyle, you are outrageous but that’s why I love reading your entries every day. With all your references to “manly parts”, this woman must take a cold shower. LOL. Seriously, though, I’m glad that you got to see Utley’s inside the park homerun with your Dad. Everything comes full circle, friend. I’m thrilled for you. I can tell you were excited!:)

  2. Glad to see the homeless population is migrating to CBP from the bum town under I-95 at Westmoreland Street.

  3. “Let’s set the scene: I was nine-years-old and starting the fourth grade.”
    Translation for CB newbies: “Skip down to the pictures and links, because since I’m a narssasist, I make everything about myself instead of actually about focusing on the true story, contrairy to what I lernt in that fancie-shmancie catholic skool (actually, I flunked that test too). Boy, my da must be proud of me. He’s still paying for my tickets too, although I’m supposed to be a grown man.”
    And for your edification, Laddie, that “weird-headed” guy from Beetlejuice is supposed to be the spirit of a jungle explorer who got his head shrunk by some unknown tribe in the Amazonian jungle. Actually, I had an old buddy who met his end that way. Except that the tribe’s chief only sent his shrunken head back to his old lady—COD, by the way, that bastard piker—sans body.
    Hey Barb, how ya doing sweetheart? We don’t see enough of ya.

  4. Saw the replay to the ending of that Braves-Pirates game. The last time I saw THAT BIG of a heist was when I watched the Clooney-Pitt-Damon remake of Ocean’s Eleven. Glad to read you had fun at the park with your dad last night, Kyle! Like Juan Samuel, I was standing in my living room and waving Chase home while yelling like a lunatic! Good times!

  5. That Bobby D. Walk off ISTP HR was great. Still one of the the most memorable moments in team history for me, even though it ultimately meant nothing and that team was awful.

  6. But do we really want to deal with this discussion all month? I can just see it now: Ed Werder camping outside the NovaCare Complex, eagerly awaiting Favre’s arrival, as a helicopter hovers above Andy Reid’s three-Tahoe motorcade from Philadelphia International. Fuck.

  7. “It’s thrilling. I’m joining the team that’s got the best record in all of baseball. Ya know, what can I say? You never know what you’re going to get when you play in that ballpark. Every time I’ve gone there, I’ve loved it. The Phanatic’s unbelieveable. The fans, they know baseball, they’re crazy, they throw hot dogs at you. You never know what’s going to happen and frigging Roy Oswalt might be in left field. So, it’s been a lot of fun.”

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