Morning Wood: Violated

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Reminder: Today’s Wood is brought you by Heimlich, for all your choking needs (thanks, Tom). And, as always, Monday morning massacre posts are best read while listening to Weezer’s Undone (The Sweater Song).

I’m coming to you live from the fetal position in my living room. Is it possible to type while sucking your own thumb? Because if it is, that’s how I’d like this blog post to go down. I’m cold and alone. I’m so scared. Who was that man? Why am I naked? Who peed on me?!

I truly have no idea what just happened. Yesterday, the Eagles had 21-point fourth quarter lead against the 49ers. At home. Against Alex Fucking Smith. 

They lost.

They have an offensive line coach as their defensive coordinator. 

Ronnie Brown called an audible mid-play and threw a pass while he was falling into a goal-line pile (there's no joke here, that's what really happened).

They can’t tackle.

Nnamdi Asomugha looks so, so incredibly average. He’s all too much like a manually controlled corner in Madden. When the ball is thrown in his direction or he’s forced to initiate a tackling sequence, there’s a split second switchover delay in which he freezes up or inexplicably does a 360 and glides backwards three yards. You know what I’m talking. It happens every time you switch to the coverage corner. The best defense is to just feverishly press triangle and cross your fingers for a lucky interception. Otherwise, you’re toast.

The Eagles were toast… so were the Phillies.

Cliff Lee, our magical steed of pissing excellence, had an accident. Or a shy bladder, as reader Deb pointed out. One or the other.

Not only did he blow a four-run lead, but the Phillies’ offense disappeared (almost on cue) after Dick Stockton – who… don’t get me started – pointed out that they had scored runs in five consecutive innings going back to Game 1. They got one hit after that. One. Thanks, Dick.

That one hit? Jimmy Rollins with two outs in the seventh. He then got picked off trying to steal second.

Oh God.

Tony La Russa: He’s an asshole. I don’t know how he did it, but the Cardinals have 29 pitchers on their postseason roster… all of them look like they belong in the brochure for Planet Fitness. The best adjective to describe Octavio Dotel would be “slunken.” Mitchell Boggs and Jason Motte look like they should be brewing beer somewhere. And I have no idea how to pronounce Marc Rzepczynski’s name. None.

If that wasn’t enough to piss you off, La Russa complained about the strike zone to Stockton and Bob Brenly, who immediately put his tail between his fucking ugly tie (is that the saying?) and agreed with the skipper who’s smarter than you… or at least a fifth grader. Maybe.

Neither side got the calls they were looking for, but after La Russa successfully planted a seed inside home plate umpire Jerry Meals' head, Cliff Lee mysteriously lost the inside half of the plate. That cost him. 

Did anyone else notice that this game played out entirely like Game 6 of last year’s NLCS? The Phillies got out to an early lead only to see if evaporate quickly. In both cases, they were held scoreless by the opponent's bullpen after bouncing the starter before the fourth inning. What’s more, in both losses, Shane Victorino dropped a catchable ball which helped fuel a lead-changing rally (last year, Andres Torres singled in the third inning, allowing Jonathan Sanchez to advance and eventually score the game-tying run in the third). The rhythm and cadence of both games were strikingly similar. In fact, before losing the respective leads, the Phillies even threw out would be game-tying runners at home plate.

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I’m frightened.


If you want to destroy my sweater. Woah woah a woah 

Hold this thread as I walk away, as I walk away! 

Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked 

Lying on the floor, Lying on the floor! I've come undone


Some links from the weekend:

Rollins didn't like the atmosphere.

Start times for Games 3, 4, and 5.

Ed Rendell invokes Flight 93 in talking about Eagles' need for a leader.

A YouTube roundup of Ryan Howard going yard.

Video of the sixth inning outburst.

Other stuff:

Bill Lyon, legend, says the Eagles are done.

Game 2 photo gallery.

Vick's finger popped out.

Gonzo writes about why it's easy to hate La Russa.

From the ESPN Stats blog:

Cliff Lee lost his third straight postseason decision (started out 7-0), allowing five runs. His four earned runs allowed matched the number he'd allowed in 32 1/3 LDS innings prior to Sunday. 

Lee is the first NL pitcher to allow at least five runs and 12 hits in a postseason game since Slim Sallee of the 1917 Giants. 



The worst part in all this is that I so wanted to use this picture of Cliff Lee as part of a euphoric Wood. No such luck.

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30 Responses

  1. Fuck the eagles! i didnt even waste my time on them and picked the 49ers on my parlay! The franchise is heading into the complete WRONG direction! As far as the phils we will be just fine! Cole Train is going to roll in STL!

  2. “Tony La Russa: He’s an asshole.”
    And when he dead and buried I’m going to deface his headstone with that remark.
    And on the other side I’m going to put:
    “And Jerry Meals gladly sucked his dick.”

  3. It was Game 6 2010 Redux as well as Game 6 2009 Redux with the Yanks – with the Great Shane coming up small in centerfield.
    I believe Carpenter went 2-0 on the first 4 Philly hitters – we had 2 in, 2 on and no outs – what does the Great Shane do – slaps at the first pitch.
    You got a pitcher on the ropes who can’t buy a strike and you swing at pitch one – my God this guy is dumb.
    And Charley gets a F for not only letting Cliff start the 7th but lets him give up 3 hits to boot.
    One F-UP card has been cashed. You only get 2 in a 5-game series.

  4. Not fuck the Eagles, fuck Andy Reid. How’s Juan Castillo working out for you as your defensive coordinator? I mean the guy was a high school defensive coordinator, same thing right Andy? Hmm. How’s having 3 outstanding CB’s and shitsack LB’s working out? Aside from the fact that both positions tackle like Bobby fucking Taylor. Andy go the fuck away and take your shit coordinators with you. Thanks for the multiple not-championships.

  5. F**k Andy Reid. Vick has been banged up, a concussion and 2 injured hands (dislocated finger on throwing hand in first half, don’t know how much it was bothering him, if at all). How does Reid handle this? By calling over 50(!) pass plays(46 pass attempts, 8 runs by Vick), compared to 12 called runs, in a game the Eagles had a 20 point lead well into the 3rd quarter. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? And don’t give me any BS about who calls plays on this team, EVERYTHING goes through the Head Coach. It’s to the point where I’m happy after every Eagles game- if they win, I’m happy. If they lose, I’m happy, cause it’s 1 step closer to that idiot getting fired. Looking for Cole to pitch the Phils to a 2-1 series lead on Tuesday, I’m not sweating at all.

  6. I agree with everyone else about Andy, but the problem is even higher then that! Reid, Roseman(can he even throw a football) Banner, they all need to go, they are all about MONEY! they dont have that fire, that desire to WIN! they want to succeed, not win, there is a huge difference! especially in this fucking town! @MPH you couldnt have been more dead on! Not only do you have a D that has MAJOR FUCKING HOLES on the field but then you add another hole on the sidelines by hiring a D coordinator that was an O line coach… HUH?

  7. I don’t care if Lurie and Banner are about money as long as they win. Ala Steinbrenner. Can you picture Steinbrenner being the owner of the Eagles with Fat Andy as the coach? I just loled.

  8. @matt, they are about making money, steinbrenner was about SPENDING money to win, which is why the yankees have had the highest payroll in sports for forever!

  9. Phillies need to thump the Cards at home. Win it on the road. Make LaRussa hit the bottle like Myers hits his wife.

  10. And let’s not forget, they’re 1-3 in the “easy” part of their schedule. I just cringed looking at the rest of their schedule- Patriots, Bears, Bills, Cowboys and Redskins twice each. If you think its been ugly so far, the worst is yet to come

  11. just read this on yahoo sports, best way to describe the eagles!
    “Their new defense is soft and their offensive line is incapable of pushing back defenses when in the red zone. Right now Philadelphia is more like a flag football team: heavy on spectacular skill players and empty on the strong blocking and line play necessary to win games.”;_ylt=AslzxCpRots8t89Bt299uMFDubYF?slug=lc-carpenter_frustrated_vick_over_my_dead_body_100211

  12. The difference in the crowd on Saturday night as opposed to Sunday was staggering but maybe like me, they were cold, tired and had no voice left from the previous night’s game. This team is not the young, hungry, without a championship team it once was. They are used to winning and for some reason now, they only play at their best when their backs are against the wall. They win when they have to win. So, let’s hope this was the kick in the ass they once again need to get going. I’m not ready to give up. GO PHILS!!

  13. I’m blaming Jerry Meals for this loss by the Phils, I really am. When your strike zone is THAT inconsistent, it becomes impossible for Lee to hit the corners that MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR.
    Did anyone see that ball 4 called strike on Utley? Pretty sure it would’ve hit a right handed batter in the head. Ridiculous.

  14. Cliff may not have been “pissing excellence”, but he sure did shit the bed.
    Garcia scares me and the Cards now have Home-field advantage. Still…steal one at St. Louis and they have to beat Halladay to advance. That is a near impossibility.
    But….can this team consistently hit or what??????

  15. Andy is the smartest guy in town. He has surrounded himself with incompetance. If the bean counters in the front office are starting to get angry that they spent a fortune in the off-season without a payoff, they might consider a change. But who? There are no competant coaches to replace him.
    AR certainly was not going to hire a DC that could take his job.
    Don’t worry Eagle-Nation – the Eagles will right the ship. AND, just when your hopes are bright and you think the season could be special – SPLAT…
    then we will hear that he made the playoffs 10 times in 13 years – we should be the happiest fans on Earth to have been a part of the goodship Andy

  16. @jmac, hahaha, but its like being the tallest midget in the circus, dont mean much when you get out with the rest of the world(league)

  17. Sidenote- Howard Eskin said on a San Fran radio show that if Eagles lost to 49ers, he would bike from Philly to San Fran. He already bitched out.

  18. If you’re La russa, the only way you can win 3 games with his team in this series is to bitch about the strike zone and hope it get’s tight for the Phils starters, give the guy credit. He HAS TO STEAL 2 games in this series to make it go 5, The phils played poor defense last night and stopped grinding out good at bats after the third inning, that’s why they lost, bottom line. polanco and chooch need to help turn the line up over at the bottom every once in a while! and victorino has to be a bit more patient, but honestly, What scenarion in your heads has the phillies not at least splitting in St louis people? Even if they lose to garcia, you don’t like thier chances in an elimination game? and if they do manage to split, what scenarion has the cards beating Doc in a game 5. Christ, did you really think they were going to sweep out to a world championship? The top and meat of the phils lineup is hitting in this series, thats what makes it different from last year, no more carpenter unless it’s game 5 in the middle innings and that would be a good phils scenario, and your done with Garcia after tomorrow night for good. Really, honestly, explain this irrational overreaction to a 1 run loss. Oh forget it, thats right, we’re from Philly.

  19. Anyone who says the Eagles only care about money is an idiot. They clearly care or else they wouldn’t have spend the money they did in the offseason.

  20. @harry, spending money just to say “we spend money” and spending money to better the team are two different things! they are not spending to win, they are spending to make money!

  21. No competent coaches to replace Reid? I’d take Cowher, Fischer or Gruden over this wouldn’t you? Andy is like the fat girl Philadelphia married a long time ago, but now she’s gotten even fatter and sometimes you find yourself wondering if she is mildly retarded. Time to disappear the bitch.

  22. Tony LaRussa must’ve made a deal with the devil to win last night. After the second inning, he looked the village idiot for pitching Chris Carpenter on three days rest so he could get whomped, but after the game ended and his no-name bullpen bailed his arrogant ass out, he’s back to being the smartest man in the room for saving Jamie Garcia for game three in St. Louis.
    Doesn’t matter, anyone with half a brain knew going in this wasn’t going to be easy for the Phils, maybe it’ll be our turn to get lucky tomorrow night, maybe Garcia has an off night like Cliff Lee did and we pound him like we did Kyle Loshe, I mean, this kid ain’t the second coming of Steve Carlton, for crissakes! Then who follows him? Jake Westbrook? In any event, we’d still have Doc in a decisive game five, I don’t know about you, but I’d like my chances very much there. Bottom line: relax.
    Then there’s the Eagles, having pulled defeat from the jaws of victory once again, letting a beat up Frank Gore gash them for over 100 yards. These fourth quarter defensive implosions have gone beyond ridiculous to infuriating. I’m no football expert, but Stevie Wonder could see that Juan Castillo is looking overmatched and unable to make in game adjustments when his plans go to hell, the linebackers were exposed yet again, no one can make a goddamn tackle and everything is a mess.
    As for the annual “Andy Reid Must Go” circus, forget it. You’re just wasting your time. As long as Jeff Lurie and Joe Banner continue to lovingly slurp Fatboy’s Kool-Aid, Reid’s not going anywhere. Period! He’s the NFL’s version of Joe Paterno: head coach for life.

  23. As for the cheering for Lee, my personal take on it was that most in the stadium felt he was robbed by the ump (aka LaRussa’s bitch) and then thrown to the wolves by Charlie in the 7th. I agree he was NOT good and didn’t deserve it, but I kind of got why some people did it. The whole night was just kind of ugly all around.

  24. As for the cheering for Lee, my personal take on it was that most in the stadium felt he was robbed by the ump (aka LaRussa’s bitch) and then thrown to the wolves by Charlie in the 7th. I agree he was NOT good and didn’t deserve it, but I kind of got why some people did it. The whole night was just kind of ugly all around.

  25. Their new defense is soft and their offensive line is incapable of pushing back defenses when in the red zone. Right now Philadelphia is more like a flag football team: heavy on spectacular skill players and empty on the strong blocking and line play necessary to win games

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