Reminder: Today’s Wood is brought you by Heimlich, for all your choking needs (thanks, Tom). And, as always, Monday morning massacre posts are best read while listening to Weezer’s Undone (The Sweater Song).
I’m coming to you live from the fetal position in my living room. Is it possible to type while sucking your own thumb? Because if it is, that’s how I’d like this blog post to go down. I’m cold and alone. I’m so scared. Who was that man? Why am I naked? Who peed on me?!
I truly have no idea what just happened. Yesterday, the Eagles had 21-point fourth quarter lead against the 49ers. At home. Against Alex Fucking Smith.
They have an offensive line coach as their defensive coordinator.
Ronnie Brown called an audible mid-play and threw a pass while he was falling into a goal-line pile (there's no joke here, that's what really happened).
They can’t tackle.
Nnamdi Asomugha looks so, so incredibly average. He’s all too much like a manually controlled corner in Madden. When the ball is thrown in his direction or he’s forced to initiate a tackling sequence, there’s a split second switchover delay in which he freezes up or inexplicably does a 360 and glides backwards three yards. You know what I’m talking. It happens every time you switch to the coverage corner. The best defense is to just feverishly press triangle and cross your fingers for a lucky interception. Otherwise, you’re toast.
The Eagles were toast… so were the Phillies.
Cliff Lee, our magical steed of pissing excellence, had an accident. Or a shy bladder, as reader Deb pointed out. One or the other.
Not only did he blow a four-run lead, but the Phillies’ offense disappeared (almost on cue) after Dick Stockton – who… don’t get me started – pointed out that they had scored runs in five consecutive innings going back to Game 1. They got one hit after that. One. Thanks, Dick.
That one hit? Jimmy Rollins with two outs in the seventh. He then got picked off trying to steal second.
Tony La Russa: He’s an asshole. I don’t know how he did it, but the Cardinals have 29 pitchers on their postseason roster… all of them look like they belong in the brochure for Planet Fitness. The best adjective to describe Octavio Dotel would be “slunken.” Mitchell Boggs and Jason Motte look like they should be brewing beer somewhere. And I have no idea how to pronounce Marc Rzepczynski’s name. None.
If that wasn’t enough to piss you off, La Russa complained about the strike zone to Stockton and Bob Brenly, who immediately put his tail between his fucking ugly tie (is that the saying?) and agreed with the skipper who’s smarter than you… or at least a fifth grader. Maybe.
Neither side got the calls they were looking for, but after La Russa successfully planted a seed inside home plate umpire Jerry Meals' head, Cliff Lee mysteriously lost the inside half of the plate. That cost him.
Did anyone else notice that this game played out entirely like Game 6 of last year’s NLCS? The Phillies got out to an early lead only to see if evaporate quickly. In both cases, they were held scoreless by the opponent's bullpen after bouncing the starter before the fourth inning. What’s more, in both losses, Shane Victorino dropped a catchable ball which helped fuel a lead-changing rally (last year, Andres Torres singled in the third inning, allowing Jonathan Sanchez to advance and eventually score the game-tying run in the third). The rhythm and cadence of both games were strikingly similar. In fact, before losing the respective leads, the Phillies even threw out would be game-tying runners at home plate.
If you want to destroy my sweater. Woah woah a woah
Hold this thread as I walk away, as I walk away!
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked
Lying on the floor, Lying on the floor! I've come undone
Some links from the weekend:
Rollins didn't like the atmosphere.
Ed Rendell invokes Flight 93 in talking about Eagles' need for a leader.
A YouTube roundup of Ryan Howard going yard.
Video of the sixth inning outburst.
Bill Lyon, legend, says the Eagles are done.
Game 2 photo gallery.
Vick's finger popped out.
Gonzo writes about why it's easy to hate La Russa.
From the ESPN Stats blog:
Cliff Lee lost his third straight postseason decision (started out 7-0), allowing five runs. His four earned runs allowed matched the number he'd allowed in 32 1/3 LDS innings prior to Sunday.
Lee is the first NL pitcher to allow at least five runs and 12 hits in a postseason game since Slim Sallee of the 1917 Giants.
The worst part in all this is that I so wanted to use this picture of Cliff Lee as part of a euphoric Wood. No such luck.