Shane Victorino is Horrible at Poker, Talks More About Upcoming Free Agency

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Somewhere, Shane Victorino’s agent is burning his clothes and ducking into a cold shower like Ace Ventura when he figured out that Einhorn was a man. Nooo, noooo.

Tuesday. Victorino tells Jayson Stark that he would gladly forgo free agency to remain in Philadelphia.

Negotiating adv: Amaro.

Thursday. Perhaps realizing that he was too transparent, Victo tells Jim Salisbury that although he would like to remain a Phillie, he’s looking for a five-year contract, hinting that he would be willing to look elsewhere.

Negotiating adv: Victo.

Today. Not surprisingly, Victo, like a deranged girlfriend, couldn’t help himself from sending more late-night texts talking to Phillies beat reporter Matt Gelb

"I'd like to," the 31-year-old centerfielder said. "I'm not saying this will be my last one. It might be. Who knows? What I'm saying is, why not finish it here? I made it seem like I want a five-year deal, but I'd love to stay." 

"So why would I want to avoid that chance? Why not maximize what I have now, what's laid out in front of me? An opportunity to play for a winning team that I've been a part of. That's what I'm trying to get at. I'm not saying I'm going to get a five-year deal. I mean, who knows? Who says I can't get a seven-year deal? I don't know." 

 

I feel like there's a Zoo With Roy post in here somewhere.

Negotiating adv: Amaro.

You know that person who tries really hard to put their foot down in a relationship, but is so transparently desperate that you can see right through them?

Guy: Let’s hang in tonight, have sex.

Girl: My friends are going out in Old City. I’m going. I never see my friends. The girls and I are going to Cuba Libre whether you come or not. We just want to dance. Hot, sweaty dancing. With guys who are going to paw all over me. Tonight’s a dancing night. We never dance. Do you want meaty guys pawing all over me? My skirt is going to be soooo short. You should come and dance with me. LET’S DANCE! WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME? I mean… if you want.

Guy: Um, nah. I don’t like dancing. You go, I’ll just hang with the boys. SmackDown is on and they already picked up some craft brews. Have fun dancing. We’ll talk tomorrow.

Girl: OK. Yeah, you’re right. Dancing sounds silly, plus it looks like it might rain. I don’t want to get wet…. well, I want to get wet FOR YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA, but not rain wet. I’m tired, anyway. I’ll come over. Should I bring Buffalo Chicken dip? Yeah I’ll bring Buff Chix dip.

Negotiating adv: SmackDown guy.

Victorino, deterred from dancing, is bringing the Phillies Buff Chix dip. And Rube, the experienced poker player, is watching SmackDown, stone-faced. 

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Go on

We appreciate Shane's enthusiasm and love of Philly. Really. But, if this keeps up, and Shane continues chatting up reporters about his contract situation, he’s going to come out of this with a one-year deal in which he pays the Phillies for the right to play center field and live inside city limits.

And supply the Buff Chix dip.

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16 Responses

  1. I still blame him for the loss in Game Six of the Giants series getting doubled off in the 8th.

  2. He knows Sikahema is getting old. If he sticks around he can take over that islander sportsguy role. Vai makes bank, Vic knows it.

  3. In the end, Shane’s side will demand a three year deal. Amaro, seeing that Shane is over 30, and mistaking him for a Latino, will demand four.

  4. Agreed with lenny. Too up there in years. Take care of Kid Cole

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