Your Monday Morning Roundup: For Sad Edition

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 10.30.45 AMPhoto: AP

Classic karma backwash weekend. Vintage, even.

Until Friday, the Phillies still had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning (stealing?) the #FifthandFinal playoff spot. But, losing two to the Braves and Carlos Marmol hocking up a one-run ninth inning lead against the Cardinals on Saturday at the same time Roy Halladay was becoming an old man before our very eyes ended any reasonable shot the Phillies had to miraclize.

Feeling good about two comeback wins, but ignoring 728 turnovers and bonehead decisions during the first two weeks, we were surprisingly optimistic about the Eagles. But, losing your starting center (for the year), Jason Kelce, and best all-around receiver, Jeremy Maclin, was bound to cost the Birds. Of course, Nnamdi Asomugha continuing to be average and Andy Reid’s and Michael Vick’s mind-boggling decisions didn’t help either. 

We’ll get to the play at the end of the second quarter in the roundup, but I’d like to call your attention to the series of plays to start said quarter:

Timeout.

False start.

Seven-yard run.

Fumble.

By my count, the Eagles had run 11 offensive plays to that point, meaning they should have still been within the script. How, you call a timeout, to start the second quarter, follow up it up with a false start, and then, two plays later, a fumble, is beyond me. Like, that is exactly the reason why people dislike Reid. Stuff like that shouldn’t happen on good high school teams, let alone the gold standard NFL franchise. It’s why people around the league laugh at the Eagles and, by extension, Philadelphia. It’s the sort of weird shit that happens to our supposedly good sports teams. 

Then, of course, there was the end of the first half, which we’ll let Les Bowen and poet Marcus Hayes address in the roundup. Let’s hit it!

 

But first, a word from our sponsors

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Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 10.32.02 AM

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– Sports Vault is the exclusive home of Brian Dawkins memorabilia. Get your gear for this weekend’s ceremony to honor Dawk at Sports Vaults locations.

– Want to see the Eagles run more? Hate cancer? Well then! Pick up Philly Phaithful’s mega popular It’s Always Shady in Philadelphia t-shirt. $5 towards the sale of each shirt goes to the American Cancer Society.

 

The roundup:

– Fletcher Cox left yesterday’s game with a migraine. Like most of you, he was still hurting late last night:

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 10.35.28 AM 

– Les Bowen sums up the ineptitude that was the end of the second quarter: [Philly.com]

First-and-goal at the Arizona 1, thanks to DeSean Jackson's only catch of the half, no timeouts, 16 seconds left, down 17-0. You try a quick, crisp throw or two, kick a field goal, go into the half feeling at least you got on the board, right?

Ah, no. First two snaps, you heave the ball out of the end zone, with no visible objective, other than to avoid a sack. Of course, a run there is a huge risk, because you've burned your timeouts, including the one you called coming out of the quarter break. Third snap, the last one before you have to bring on Alex Henery, safety Kerry Rhodes moves up on the line, to the quarterback's left. You have nobody there to block him.

Your quarterback turns his back to Rhodes and holds the ball until Rhodes blasts him from behind and he fumbles, so that safety James Sanders can scoop the ball up and run it 93 yards for the touchdown that makes it 24-0 at halftime.

 

– Bowen’s sometimes racist colleague, Marcus Hayes, did the same, only Hayes wrote his usual sonnet: [Philly.com]

They desperately needed Maclin at the end of the second quarter. He is their only real threat in that situation.

Because they couldn't run the ball.

Because they burned a timeout at the start of the second quarter.

The other two timeouts had to be used when they used them.

Vick scrambled for 20 yards with 24 seconds left in the half, so they needed to burn that one. DeSean Jackson was smothered at the 1 with 16 seconds left, so they needed to burn that one, too.

Both times, spiking the ball would have taken too long.

Neither time, should it have mattered.

Because, with 16 seconds left and the ball at the 1, the Eagles should have had a timeout left.

But they did not.

Because they burned a timeout at the start of the second quarter. 

 

Somewhere, simple sentences are rejoicing in odd-staccatod song and dance. If Hayes’ work came with a reading level, it would be Pre-K to K, and even the advanced kindergartners would look down up this crap. I am I am, Sam I am. Good Night, Moon. One fish, two fish, red fish, WRITE IN FUCKING COMPLETE THOUGHTS!

– The Phillies are interested in Cody Ross. Yeah, that clown.

– Not sure how this guy would feel about it. But he’s wearing a sweet fucking shirt:

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 9.05.49 AMvia (@leemporter) 

– Presumably, the cameraman who found these cans would be too distracted by his quest for the perfect set of ballpark mammaries to care:

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 9.05.25 AM

via (@hey_daniel)

That guy in the Flyers hat ever so briefly forgot about the lockout. Wait, what lockout?!

– Today in Ryan Lochte, Douchebag: Douchebag Ryan Lochte takes douchebag picture that appears on douchebag social network:

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 9.05.38 AMvia (@ScarletMcKfever) 

– Philly.com continues to keep it family-friendly. This is their sports main page:

Screen Shot 2012-09-24 at 9.09.42 AM

They are one step away from turning their honor boxes into pay-per-use glory holes.

– Bill Belichick may be suspended for grabbing a replacement official.

Brandon Spikes is pissed. "These fucking zebras need to go back to Foot Locker."

The Eagles haven’t committed this many turnovers in at three-game stretch in 331 games

– The quite predictable Kolb or Vick story didn’t take long. 

The Eagles, for some reason, went away from their plan to shadow Larry Fitzgerald, who had nine receptions for 114 yards yesterday: [Philly Mag]

“We came into the week, I was going to shadow him,” said Asomugha. “We kind of had an idea, I think Coach [Todd] Bowles had an idea that that’s what they were figuring, so they were going to move him and put him in all sorts of different places. So we said let’s just let’s just stay on our sides and make sure that Boykin is at the nickel, keep Dominique on the outside. That was our plan, and they were able to do some things to take advantage of it.” 

 

– Kerri Walsh won a gold medal at the Olympics. She was five weeks pregnant

– Finally, pathetic Washingtonians.

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18 Responses

  1. Well, the weekend wasn’t a complete loss. The Union won on Sunday. ^_^
    Meanwhile, the less said about the Philies, Eagles and especially Marcus Hayes, the better.

  2. No one should be surprised that Reid can’t coach gameday to save his own fat ass. We are 4 points away from being 0-3 right now.
    Marcus Hayes is desperately trying to be pre-pederast Conlin.
    I would rail that blonde, if Burrell was in town he probably did.

  3. Is it possible that The fat fuck with that dumb ass Cousin IT offspring growing on his face could get any more stupid son? I asked this last season, mostly everyone said it was not possible. Most people were wrong Son. I’m willing to bet that The fat fuck with that dumb ass Cousin IT offspring growing on his face would do a better job if we gave him a lobotomy. Mommy needs a drink.

  4. I would have rather given eatdatpussy a motorboat than watch that disaster of a football game.
    It’s time to move on from Reid and Vick and start over. Too many other good players on this team to be wasted by Reid and Vick’s awfulness.

  5. that awkward moment when the girl with the tits went to the same high school I did… she’s a senior this year aka you guys like to rob the cradle more than I thought…

  6. OCHS, if you are to be believed then it does confirm my initial thought of “Isn’t she a little young?”
    Kyle Scott, why don’t you take a seat right over there?

  7. OCHS, If God himself didn’t want men to look at underage girls, then he wouldn’t give them tits as sweet as those. No, he’d give them drooping fried egg tits like mine.

  8. If you turn your computer upside down you’ll notice that the girl in the guys tattoo is actually the blonde girl with the guy who thinks he is at the Flyers game. Amazing!

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