Morning Wood: Rise Up!


Praise the lord! Last night, the Phillies piled on their early 4-0 lead, making me look like an ass and Lee look like a relaxed creature of, as reader Brent put it, olden lore.

Yes, the Lee was mighty last night. And so was the offense– eight runs, including three home runs in the third inning by Ryan Howard, Michael Young and John Mayberry Jr., who made this lady’s day and night.

But enough about Kid Cudi. Let’s talk more about Lee.

He threw 106 pitches for the second start in a row. 75 were for strikes. In his first start, 78 were for strikes. That means – because I’m a math man – that Lee has thrown 212 pitches this season– 153 for strikes. That’s 72%. And that’s very good.

He’s so efficient. So quick. So… in control. Look at his pitches by inning:

Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 7.42.14 AM

Charts via

He threw five of six pitches for strikes in the second inning. Five of seven in the third. Eight of nine in the sixth! Five of seven in the seventh!! SEVEN OF NINE IN THE EIGHTH! I repent, I repent!

And sometime around the seventh inning, he decided he didn’t need his curveball anymore. Nah. Just fastballs and changeups. Push, pull:

Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 7.42.25 AM

Video of Lee spraying excellence all over the Mets.

Listen to Michael Young gush over Lee“He’s basically a baseball player who pitches.”

Nu-uh, Michael. He’s basically a magical steed who pisses.

Let’s Wood!

Jordany Valdespin is a bag of dicks. Last year, he punked his way around the bases after hitting a ninth inning home run off Jonathan Papelbon. Last night, Valdeadspin pounded his chest like an idiot after he hit a bases-empty triple with his team down six runs in the fifth inning of a game in April. It doesn’t get more inconsequential than that, douchebag.

Here’s audio of Mets broadcasters on the WFAN talking about Valsparpaint’s antics:

Video of the Phils’ three home runs in the third inning.

Did any Mets fans tweet fuck Cliff Lee? They did:

The Hatfield Pig made an appearance in the broadcast booth for Dollar Dog Night (we capitalize that shit around here), and that always makes for a good screen grab:

Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 7.51.35 AM

Chris Wheeler is struggling with his new telestrator:


Today in stupid polls:

Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 8.25.32 AM Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 8.25.46 AM

E: None of the above.

Delaware women’s point guard Kayla Miller loves her some Cliff Lee and I love some Malvern Prep.


14 Responses

  1. Vaseline did look kind of stupid pounding his chest last night but I rewatched the home run from last year and he did nothing wrong. Victorino used to act more ridiculous than Voldemort did last year.

  2. Was he really “punking” his way around the bases? His first MLB hit was a game winning 3 run home run. I saw nothing wrong with it.

    Now, the whole bit last night after the triple down six runs, that’s assclown material.

  3. first, it was awesome to see lee once again pitch a gem. secondly, it was awesome to see the phils bats pile it on and continue to pile it on. lastly, the poll on halladay has me thinking. i say he gets 3-5 more starts. if he continues to pitch awful in those starts, then i dont know what else the phils can do but send him down for a minor league stint. at least his next start will be against the marlins on sunday and that should help him get back into a groove.

  4. Cliff will be great trade bait when the Phillies are forced to unload him by the trade deadline. If he could start every game, we would win the division…

    1. if the phils are well out of it by july, one has to wonder who else on this team might be trade bait. its a sad reality that there could be a fire sale in late july.

  5. If Cliff Lee and Jeff Carter took a nude photo together I think Kyle’s dick might explode.

  6. Malvern prep is a joke of a school. They overcharge you because you think you are getting a quality education, when in turn any public high school around there is equal if not better. Tell your parents great investment.

    1. Well, I do make a living writing about sports in gym shorts. Something they did worked.

  7. The baseball that woman caught is currently:

    A) On eBay

    B) On eBay

    C) On eBay

    D) On a shrine dedicated to Bejesus in her living room.

  8. Grandma didn’t catch the ball..some clown to her left attempted to catch it and let it bounce off his hand. It rolled to her and she acted like she won who wants to be a millionaire.

  9. Wheeler=Loser. I wish McCarthy threw Wheels into the stands with the hotdogs and then threw himself into the stands. A silent booth. Biggest improvement in 50 years.

Comments are closed.