Hey, Jonathan Papelbon Really is a Huge Dick

Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 9.41.42 AM
I wanted to get to this last night, but I was laughing too hard at how the Phillies, down 2-1, managed to load the bases in the ninth with no outs (without a hit!) and not score the tying run (without a strikeout!). There has to be a stat where no team in the history of baseball has ever loaded the bases sans hit and then squandered the opportunity sans strikeout. Like, they actually invented a new way to be an embarrassment, I think.

Anyway, Jonathan Papelbon is still a huge dick. He blew Cole Hamels’ pitchers’ duel gem just minutes before his teammates blew their load in their pants, and, after the game, stood by his comments about not coming here for this. We’re getting real meta here, folks: [CSN Philly]

“I think they speak for themselves,” Papelbon said, offering no mea culpa. “Whether I blow a game or whether I save a game, whatever is happening within the organization, I feel like I’m honest and forthcoming and I’m the same way after games like tonight.

“I feel like that’s the best way to go about a day’s work is to just be honest with yourself and be honest with the position you’re in and not try to sugarcoat anything or trying to see something for what it’s not. That’s the way I’ve always been. I go by facts and I stand by what I say. I don’t feel like I said anything that wasn’t true.”

Somewhere, we don’t know where, there is a mirror, just waiting for Jonathan Papelbon to look into it.

After initially being outraged at his $50,000,058 contract, I grew to like Paps last year. He handled himself professionally both on and off the mound. But damn, in the last two months he’s managed to turn into a huge dick.

Video after the jump.

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  • Dusty Rhodes Joe Robertson August 2, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Something tells me Kyle had Riley Cooper in the death pool & is trying to cash in

  • Tom McCarthy August 2, 2013 at 9:56 am

    This weeks mcdonalds home run jackpot contestant is joe blow out of delco, if the phillies hit a home run mr blow wins 100 smackadoos, anyway who gives a shit, MUPPH! what are your thoughts Jonathan papelbon and while ur at its hows the weather all the way out there

    • Murph From The Stands August 2, 2013 at 10:45 am

      Yeah, Tom. I’m down here just outside a very subdued Phillies clubhouse where one veteran attendant has anonymously told me “There hasn’t been this much animosity towards a teammate in that room since Brandon Duckworth jumped Rheal Cormier in the Leslie Gudel post-game blumpkin line in ’01”. Even though Phils manager Charlie Manuel has stated that he’s considering have Papelbon throw BP exclusively to Laynce Nix in order to boost his confidence, it’s still hard to believe that Wheels has never once slept with a male fan. Oh and hey, I see someone is sporting a fresh #14 Eagles jersey today, looking good Sarge! Back to you guys.

      • Harry August 2, 2013 at 11:30 am

        A+… love the Duckworth shoutout.

        • Harry Kalas August 2, 2013 at 11:35 am

          Love the Wheels crack

      • Todd Pratt August 2, 2013 at 12:11 pm

        Great lesile guidel reference. Heard she blown many phils back in the early 2000s

  • F'Real August 2, 2013 at 10:00 am

    I don’t blame Paps for his comments. I blame RAJ for doing this to the entire team. Many players are going to leave after this year because of him. RAJ is cocky and unintelligible. Dump him.

    • Gray August 2, 2013 at 10:20 am

      You have to blame him for his comments – this is not some guy that goes out and plays 9 innings game in and game out and finally gets fed up – this is a guy that shows up for 3 outs every 5 games or so and is paid $58 million.

      It’s also a guy that, in that limited role, has blown 6 recent saves in the past month and change.

      THOSE are the kind of guys that need to STFU about the things they “didn’t come here for” – cause i’m pretty sure the Phillies didn’t bring him in to see his strikeout numbers hit the floor, and have him be the highest paid closer in the league to blow games on the regular.

  • Dom August 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Somehow Cody Asche’s bunt was ruled a hit

    • Edward Murphy August 2, 2013 at 10:37 am

      The official scorekeeper is as bad as the team. There is no way that should be a hit, and if I were Asche, I’d be embarrassed to have that go in the books as my first “hit.”

  • Rhea Hughes' dick August 2, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Maybe the Doctors at NovaCare can help? They helped me!

  • RAJ is a sand n August 2, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Why is Michael Martinez in MLB????

    • Andy Schreiber August 2, 2013 at 10:26 am

      Good question. He stinks. It’s like Amaro feels like he has to justify taking him in the Rule 5 draft or something.

      News flash to RAJ: MM is NOT Victorino II.

  • Slammin Gretzky's Daughter August 2, 2013 at 10:18 am

    That’s the book on Papelbon. He’s fine if the team is winning but he’s a petulant, whiny dick whenever things go wrong… Even if many of the losses are his fault.

    And regardless of whether or not Papelbon is a dick or had the classy personality of a Mariano Rivera, Amaro is a fucking dumbass for paying that much money and giving that many years to a closer who was going to be 31 at the start of his first season in the deal. That alone is a fireable offense for him.

  • James August 2, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Maybe someone in the organization should tell Paps they didn’t sign on for this with him. They didn’t make you the highest paid closer in baseball to blow 6 saves in his last 13 opportunities. I’m glad Paps like facts because the facts are this: if you would shutup and get your job done this team would be sitting 4 games above .500 right now.

  • FACE August 2, 2013 at 10:28 am

    He’s not getting swings and misses, his velocity is down, his pitches lack movement…

    I think Papelbon might be done…

  • Da Cuz August 2, 2013 at 10:34 am

    The Phillies scored one run last night; all thanks to the pitcher..maybe that is what Paps is referring to?

    • James August 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

      I completely understand and agree that the offense has been brutal this year and that Paps certainly isn’t the biggest problem on this team. But when you haven’t been that good yourself and your job is to get those last 3 outs to secure a win for your club, it doesn’t matter what the offense did or didn’t do. You need to secure that win because that is your job. That is the only time you are called upon. That is your role. Unless you’re perfect on the year, keep your mouth shut.

  • Junkhead August 2, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Sorry to go off topic, but why did Deadspin feel the need to run a complete story based on the fact that they were offered the Riley Cooper footage first, but they turned it down? Were they trying to imply that they stand on some kind of higher moral ground than Kyle does because he took the holder of the footage up on their offer? Based on some of the garbage Deadspin posts, it seems hypocritical of them.

  • Jaxen August 2, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Team game, boys. Load the bases with nobody out and score NOTHING, and you need a pretty damn big mirror so everybody can look in. The only guy who has carte blanche to talk sh!t about last night’s result is Cole Hamels.

    • Jeffy August 2, 2013 at 12:23 pm

      And yet his baserunning blunder may have killed a big inning.

      • Jaxen August 2, 2013 at 12:59 pm

        Point taken, I forgot about that. Last night was an all-around, team-wide cluster f__k then. Microcosm of this whole damn season. Is it March yet?

        • Jeffy August 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm

          Although that big inning probably wouldn’t have happened anyway!

  • Ron Hipple August 2, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I heard Charlie Manuel has a big dick

  • Dr StinkyNuts August 2, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Pap is frustrated because he pitches off adrenaline. He hasn’t had any adrenaline this season because none of the games matter, because the team sucks, and nobody goes to the games. Since he is nothing without his adrenaline (mojo) he is fucking useless. He will prob get traded in the off season to a contender and become awesome again.

  • Hop Devil August 2, 2013 at 11:42 am

    I booed so hard last night I think I blew a vocal cord. Hate this guy. Ship off to Boston already.

  • Portuguese Breakfast August 2, 2013 at 11:45 am

    With this season in the shitter, why not bring up another player that in the very least would give us a reason to watch. Bring up Kelly Dugan OF in Reading right now and put him in RF once Dom comes back Monday (hopefully). The outfield would consist of Ruf LF, Dom CF, and Dugan RF. The lineup should look like this: Rollins SS, Utley 2B, M Young 1B, Brown CF (I know it’s not his natural position, but can it get any worse?), Ruf LF, Dugan RF, Asche 3B, and Chooch C. I know it may not look like much, but for FUCKS SAKE I would rather watch this lineup than a douche/turd combo of Mayberry and Nix….Delmon Young can catch a brick!

    I like that RAJ is at least bringing up the Martin kid to get a look tonight, but please, do something with the lineup! Fuck!

  • Portuguese Breakfast August 2, 2013 at 12:05 pm


    CLR FSL .318 56 217 37 69 12 3 10 36 117 24 60 1 3 .401 .539 .940
    REA EAS .287 25 94 12 27 6 1 3 9 44 3 18 0 1 .333 .468 .801
    Minors .309 81 311 49 96 18 4 13 45 161 27 78 1 4 .381 .518 .899

    Last 10 Games: (Current team only)
    Jul 23 @BIN .667 3 0 2 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 .750 1.000 1.750
    Jul 24 @BIN .000 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 .000 .000 .000
    Jul 25 NBR .333 3 1 1 0 1 0 2 0 0 0 0 .333 1.000 1.333
    Jul 26 NBR .500 4 1 2 0 0 1 2 0 2 0 0 .500 1.250 1.750
    Jul 27 NBR .500 2 2 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 .800 .500 1.300
    Jul 28 NBR .250 4 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 .250 .500 .750
    Jul 29 ERI .250 4 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 .250 .500 .750
    Jul 30 ERI .000 3 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 2 0 0 .000 .000 .000
    Jul 31 ERI .500 4 2 2 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 0 .500 1.250 1.750
    Aug 01 ERI .500 4 0 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 .500 .500 1.000
    Totals .343 35 8 12 3 1 2 6 1 9 0 0 .400 .657 1.057

    Don’t even waste a google search on Nix/Mayberry/Young/Martinez. Bases loaded, nobody out, with the outfield on the edge of the grass and you can’t hit a fly ball deep enough? Dugan has been consistently tearing it up in the minors. You finally did it with Asche, give Dugan a chance! He was the Phillies first pick in ’09, let him skip AAA and get a shot!

  • Joe Mama August 2, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Correction, you wanted to get this out last night but no real journalists had posted an article yet that ou could copy and paste here. Am I right?

  • Portuguese Breakfast August 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Good one, let’s just continue to watch the slop that’s taking up space and has no merit being on a MLB Starting Lineup Card. You’re absolutely right, bad copy and paste job, my fault.

  • Jerry August 2, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Dude is a faggot.

  • Stay Gold August 2, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Paps needs to take a step back and literally fuck his own face!

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