Phillies

Ryan Braun is a Really Bad Person

By Kyle Scott

Published: Aug 19th, 2013 · 9:53 AM EDT

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http://youtu.be/y4yKCVrfzaU

Now it turns out that, before ruining a pee collector’s career on a pitcher’s mound last year, Ryan Braun solicited support from players by claiming that the man who handled his sample was a Cubs fan and an anti-Semite:

Some of that may be because of phone calls Braun made in the days leading up to the decision of his appeal, in February 2012.

According to sources, Braun called veteran players around baseball privately at that time to lobby for their support. In the calls — confirmed by three sources — Braun told other players that in the preparation for his appeal, some information had become known about the collector of his urine sample, Dino Laurenzi Jr., including that he was a Cubs fan — with the implication he might work against Braun, who played for a division rival of the Cubs.

Braun, who is Jewish, also told the players that he had been told the collector was an anti-Semite.

You, sir, a horrible, horrible person.

That’s like a child telling his parents awful things about his teacher when he knows a bad test grade is coming. Mrs. Miller is just so mean. She locks us in the closet when we spill glue in our desks. She stole my pen so I couldn’t take notes. She wouldn’t let me make up the assignments I missed when I was out sick. And she tried to touch little Johnny on his pee stick. I told the principal on her, so she gave me an F on my multiplication test. It’s not my fault, Mom. I know my times tables. I studied twice per week for four straight weeks. So I studied 12 times for that test!

The only difference between the hypothetical child and Ryan Braun is that the child didn’t deliver his sermon on a pitcher’s mound on national TV.