Marcus Hayes Skewered Claude Giroux Today with Boundless Monty Python (and Jesse Jackson) References

Voila_Capture494Thanks to reader Derek for bringing this to my attention. I check almost daily for a Marcus Hayes sonnet, and it’s always the day I forget that he pens a gem.

Hayes, too, is unhappy with Captain Claude, and he decided to voice his displeasure via Monty Python references and one Jesse Jackson groaner. To the excerpting machine! Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V! Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V! Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V! Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V!

IN THE MOMENT of crisis, like a famous (if fictional) ginger who predated him, Claude Giroux was nowhere to be found.


That’s right: He scarpered off, left Hal Gill and Wayne Simmonds and Ray Emery and Andrej Meszaros, Goat of the Night, to explain why the team with nine points in 15 games needed 20 minutes afterward to cleanse its collective soul.

Which, of course, recalled the famous fictional forebear:

Brave Sir Robin ran away.

Bravely ran away away.

When danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about

And gallantly he chickened out.

Bravely taking to his feet,

He beat a very brave retreat.


In no sport does that mean more. The NHL actually seeks a holy grail of sorts, a cup named after a lord from which they long to drink the draught of fame, if not life, eternal.

This team has one win in its last five games. It was humiliated by Washington, 7-0. It squandered a win late against Carolina last time out. It has scored two goals in its last four games.

Did it need a players meeting? Sure.

Did it need its captain to abandon it? Hardly.


Gill, a Lancelot of sorts, stepped in and allowed that the meeting had a Jesse Jackson feel: Keep hope alive, that sort of stuff. The season is long, things can turn around, et cetera.

Simmonds – this team’s dauntless Galahad – refused to allude to the meeting’s contents, but he was transparent enough: “We’re just not penetrating, not getting quality shots, we’re thinking too much about passing instead of shooting.”

Meszaros, the Bedemir of the bunch who kicked the clincher past Emery, said, “It’s good we talked. Straightened some things out.”


In no sport is chemistry as elemental as in hockey.

The degree of endurance required, for the entire roster, is borderline superhuman.

The amount of pain suffered by every man is borderline masochistic.

The person who holds this together is not the coach: It is the captain.

By word, by deed, by sacrifice, by accountability.

We know that Sir Robin, last night, lacked them all.

I truly have no idea how that man collects a paycheck with a straight face. Does he even collect a paycheck? Maybe he was laid off five years ago and receives one only due to a glitch in payroll. Will someone please fix that glitch so this thing works itself out? I like to avoid confrontation whenever possible.

You’re right, Marcus– movie references are fun!

In related news, Hayes has only favorited two Tweets since that time we discovered his Twitter account had favorited a bunch of porn Tweets and Hayes claimed he was hacked.


17 Responses

  1. Wait I am confused is the copy / paste joke about Marcus Hayes or this website either way nice one

  2. I love how all the Delco trash and single moms with a flyers calf tat still the G is the best player in the NHL n the flyer have good players.

  3. Thank you for pointing out that these were in fact Monty Python and Jesse Jackson references. I honestly had no bloody idea what Hayes was talking about.

  4. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of Marcus Hayes talking sports. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only way to cure it was to become a journalist! So I spent five ghastly years at the Inquirer Training Center in Philadelphia. Can you imagine what it’s like; watching the same hack for five years?! I didn’t want to be a journalist anyway. I wanted to be… a lumberjack!

  5. Im hungover, I come check out cb and notice a new logo that instantly intensifies my headache. Why is the street sign sideways, fuck my head hurts.

  6. Lets go easy with the trade Giroux talk. He’s having a terrible year, sure, but he’s still a great player in theis league. The whole team blows. He is surrounded by a bunch of 3rd line players. He plays on a top line with Scott fucking Hartnell for Christ’s sake. He plays with a bunch of morons.
    And to those people saying Giroux’s only good year was with Jagr, you’re wrong. The year beofre Jagr he had 76 points in 82 games. Not bad. The year after Jagr he had 48 points in 48 games. Not bad. Of course he’s not Crosby, but he doesn’t suck. It’s the whole team that sucks.
    Oh my God, I’ve become Chirp and/or JT, those pussies with the long posts.

  7. I know there is no one else to blame but the flyers but I don’t get the media . They really just should back off. Give the team some room to breath and work the shit out with the added pressure. I’m not blaming the media for the flyers fault I’m just saying they aren’t helping. They have this sense of self worth that isn’t nearly as important as what they think. They think they are on the same level as the team and deserve answers and that’s not how it really is. They need to back off and let the professional hockey team handle it. Bunch of old Viagra taking bad breath having
    Miserable assholes

  8. Hahaha an hour ago I went on a rant about how horrible this article is. Didn’t pick up on the python references but it’s terrible nonetheless.

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