Photo credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

UPDATE: Not all figure skaters are happy for Wagner and her success. See more after the jump.

IT’S A SHOWDOWN IN SOCHI. America’s baby-faced gold medal favorite, Gracie Gold (Gold!), daughter of a nurse and an anesthesiologist, vs. Ashley Wagner, a spunky meme-makin’, home-schooled military brat. Teammates… competitors. It’s a modern day Kerrigan-Harding, as so aptly observed by Mrs. O:

Voila_Capture1186

They do both look like they’d cut a bitch for gold, for number one in the Olympics. But what about for number one in your heart? The other day I wrote that Wagner was destined for a Kellogg’s box, and that still holds true. What I didn’t know yet was that she had a teammate named Gold– her name is Gold! She gets the Wheaties box. She’s corporate America’s masturbatory vision. She’s blonde! She’s pretty! She’s 18– “old enough!” HER NAME IS GOLD!!!!! Gold can endorse our shitty products until she’s grey! 

Anyway, who’d you rather– the baby-faced rich girl from Massachusetts, or the spunky military brat who wears her emotions on her face? This is the real showdown in Sochi.

Gold

Photo credit: Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

Wagner

USATSI_7721378_168380803_lowres

Photo credit: Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports

USATSI_7725560_168380803_lowres

Photo: Scott Rovak-USA TODAY Sports

So:

[yop_poll id=”7″]

We have… a very important update after the jump.

Former Flyers Ice Girl Grace Deissroth, a figure skater, weighs in:

http://storify.com/crossingbroad/ashley-wagner

MEOW!