Who’d You Rather: Thuzio Edition

Q&A for $2,500 and a round of golf for $3,000. Can I just ask him some questions while we golf?
Q&A for $2,500 and a round of golf for $3,000. Can I just ask him some questions while we golf?

We’ve talked about Thuzio here before, but in case you missed that, here’s a short primer:

“Basically, it provides a platform for professional athletes to pimp their services – speaking gigs and companionship, it seems – to fans and businesses. It’s all a bit odd and a little bit creepy, but a decent idea – cut out the middle man (agent) and deal directly with potential “customers” – that appeals to current and former athletes who have no idea how to otherwise earn a paycheck.”

And if you’ve got an extra five grand or so to just toss around, you could probably have some real fun over there. But what would you spend it on? (Note: A whole bunch of these athletes do not live in this area, and therefore would likely turn down your offer or request you cover their airfare, but let’s not think about that right now).

$250

Bargain hunter? I like your style. The sub-$250 category is mostly full of people just offering video messages for $99. That’s a bit of a ripoff (unless Jon Dorenbos will teach you a magic trick), but there are some dudes who are offering up their services for a steal. You can get some private coaching from Greg Gross for only $200, Vaughn Hebron will do the same for $50 more, and so will Beasley Reece. You can “surprise your buddies” by paying Wayne Gomes to come to your fantasy draft. You can finally make that leap to the professional level with coaching from Bobby Taylor or Jim Eisenreich. Lito Sheppard will actually play football with you. You can basically take your pick of Union players to hang out with. Or, finally, you can play a pick up game (of softball, I assume, or wiffle) with Desi Relaford.

Verdict: These are all a little sad, except for soccer lessons from the Union guys. So, that wins.

 

$500

Heyoooo, big money. Here is the list of athletes of local interest who you can give $500 to for a tweet: Donnie Jones, Harry Zolnierczyk, Derrick Coleman, Jeff Feagles, Jeremy Bloom, and Vince Papale. You can also get Todd MacCulloch to come to your wedding, and Heather Mitts will give you personal training for $440 (A.J. will probably show up). In the steal of the day, Lenny Dykstra will give you private coaching for only $375 and a lifetime of memories.

Verdict: Nails, right? Though you can also pay $500 for one hour of private lessons with Darryl Dawkins and just ask him to keep dunking while you watch.

 

$2,500

Jumping right up, here’s where all of the good stuff is. You can have lunch with Clint Hurdle. You can watch a Phillies game, in person, with Darren Daulton (box seats only, who do you think he is, Desi Relaford?). I’m pretty sure Lenny Dykstra will commit a misdemeanor for you. Derrick Coleman will go to a basketball game with you (normal person seats fine, Dutch). You can play golf with Tim Hasselbeck. Why? Because money is no object to you. And you can enter the low-range of the appearance fee for Toni Fucking Kukoc.

Verdict: Game with Dutch. Plus, you can probably get a box at CBP on the cheap right now.

 

$5,000

For only $4,375, you can have Bill Clement come to your event. Or, Evan Mathis will come to your event for up to two hours for $4,000. That is all you need in this price range, unless you hate yourself and want to play a round of golf with Tim McCarver.

Verdict: In a steal, $3,000 will let you watch an Eagles game with Mike Quick in your extra seat. Wait, what?

 

Unlimited Funds

Okay, Jordan Belfort. Unfortunately, even all of the money in the world will get you mostly lame things (except the $15,000 it’ll cost to have Gronk come to your eventAnd what? He accidentally got drunk and now his shirt is off and he’s dancing?), like “speaking engagements.” But you can get one of those from Curt Schilling for only $45,000or Bobby Knight,  an undoubtedly more interesting speaker, for the same price. You can play 9 holes of golf with Chi Chi Rodriguez for $10,000, or a full 18 with Mike Modano for $22,500. I’m pretty sure, if the price is right, you can also bump Nails up to a felony.

Verdict: Winning the whole thing, since so many of these offers are just boring, is Harvey Catchings. A member of the Philadelphia 76ers from 1974-1979, Harvey will share stories about his professional career while GARDENING WITH YOU for only $125. He’ll be like the cool grandpa you always wanted but never had because your own grandpa sucked at basketball.

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9 Responses

  1. Lenny Dykstra: Price List

    $500 Lenny calls your girlfriend and demands a blow job
    $1000 Do an eight ball with Lenny
    $2500 Lenny will come to your house and take a shit on the floor in a room of your choosing

  2. I got a Wayne Gomes rookie card for a birthday gift. “Maybe it will be worth something one day.” they said. IT WASN’T.

  3. I don’t come here often. I don’t know how blogs work. I just overheard I can have Heather Mitts Physically train me for $440.00? I already have the Viagra in hand, your mother won’t let me use it on her anyway. Someone shoot me her # so i can make an appointment.

    -Dad

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