This is a story about an insane person, Jerry Jones, a man named “24k,” the holy grail Apple TV, something something Higgs-Boson, and a couple of whores without pants wearing Jones’ Super Bowl ring. Best to put on your Lavandería Brillante suits before stepping any further.
Over the weekend, Frank Hoover tweeted photos of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones posing with precisely two would-be whores. One appears to be sans pants and oogling Jones’ ring, and the other displays a fascination with another one of Jones’ presumably prized possessions.
But that’s only half the story. Busted Coverage, doing work on this story, unearthed a 20-page manifesto (never ends well) written by Hoover and posted online in January under the name TheSinsofJerryJones.pdf which initially revealed the photos and the motive for their release: signs from God, of course.
Honestly, I had trouble following Hoover’s rant, but here are a few highlights of the prose accompanying the release of these photos. Something tells me resident conspiracy theorist, reader Al, might be able to decipher some of this:
God gave me these photos and I was given a choice. I could sell them and ruin your life in the media, make millions and tell my story or I could hold them in secret and suffer until I reached you. So, I gave my own life to save yours. It’s a bold statement and the next statement is even bolder. It may scare you, but you have to believe in who I am. I know this because I am the Son of God and he sent me to you. Jerry, you and the Cowboys are the Star we will use to Light My Path. I spent 5 years suffering, losing all my possessions, giving the rest away to charity and then living poor. I almost lost my mind until God revealed my true identity. On 7/11/12, 7 days after the God Particle was found in France, I was awoken by God and told to find you, Mr. Jones, to let the world know that God’s Son has risen. My name is Frank Hoover and I am the Son of God. The pictures and other information I provide to you as proof of who I am and why I am here on earth. I am the way, the truth and Jerry, you are my light. I have been sent by God to fix the problems created during the years leading up to my birth. The removal of Gold as the primary backing source of value of the US Dollar. There were three gifts in the bible: Gold, Frank (incense) and Myrrh. The person responsible for your crime is named 24K and born on 8/8/78 (888).
On February 27, 2011, I went to the Alcove Wine Bar and coincidentally met a man by the name of 24K as in 24-Karat Gold. His real name is Kevion Hickman and he is also the key to me understanding all this. During our time living together, he had the last supper with Jesus tattooed on his throat. His family is connected to city hall and I’ve even met the mayor with him. Over the course of the next few months, we talked and met numerous times discussing different ideas, businesses and entertainment opportunities from his connections. We became friends and business associates when he presented the idea of bringing Jamie Foxx into town for an event similar to the Mavericks Victory Parade. He spoke with Mark Cuban and arranged the parade with Foxx attending as a VIP guest. Shortly after this event, we formulated a plan to bring Foxx back for a Halloween event. I built numerous slide decks, presentations and contracts to get advertising and media sponsors. Considering the nature of my business partner and his business intellect, it was a challenge to get anything done.
He also introduced me to an Apple TV that had been bought on eBay. The device had special software on it allowing for unlimited live, on-demand and sports programming. The software version was titled Edenand Apple is the one mentioned in the bible in the Garden of Eden. I improved the software and the value of the $99 Apple TVs went from $200 on the street to more than $750 per unit. For drug dealers, pimps or anyone else, this was way more profitable and less risky. I couldn’t build units fast enough and as the cash flowed, the money began to disappear. I eventually removed myself from the business losing around $20K to skimming by 24K.
All I know is that I WANT APPLE TV SOFTWARE RELEASE EDEN! But if you’re having trouble following the rest of this – and I can’t imagine why you would be – here’s a helpful timeline of events, from the time Hoover met Kevion until, of course, the death threats:
After that, there’s a mention of the Higgs-Boson and some comets and a whole bunch of signs from God. Not sure what it all means. Maybe the end of the world. Maybe it’s Chooch’s MH17 theory. Maybe… it’s nothing. But you can read the whole thing here.