F U, Comcast

Today, Comcast executive VP and quite possibly the worst person in the business world, David L. Cohen, wrote an open letter defending his company’s proposed merger with Time Warner, which would make them the largest communications-content company in the history of Earth. The letter itself is mostly bullshit, the kind of bullshit that’s gestated in a bath of lawyers, publicists and evildoers hell-bent on ruling the world. But I will call out for you a couple of points so rich in doublespeak that even George Orwell would’ve had trouble conceiving propaganda like this.

Cohen’s strongest argument is that many (MANY!) politicians support the merger:

Among the substantive comments that have been filed in support of the transaction already are those of the governors of Maryland (Martin O’Malley) and Pennsylvania (Tom Corbett) as well as support from the Democratic Governors Association. We are honored to have the support of a bipartisan group of more than 50 mayors, from coast to coast, including both Comcast and Time Warner Cable cities, with a combined population of over 9 million people and representing major cities such as Anaheim, Denver, Jacksonville, Miami, Albuquerque, Philadelphia, and Austin. We are especially gratified for the support of mayors and other local officials underscoring the powerful benefits of this transaction for their cities, constituents, and customers because they uniquely understand their local needs and the impact that the enhanced scale, investment, and innovation of Comcast will have on their local communities.

That’s great, but a random sample Google search (of the local people) shows exactly what you might expect. Oddly, the least offensive thing here may be Comcast’s fight against paid sick time:

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A major Pennsylvania Democratic donor has announced that he will back Republican Gov. Tom Corbett’s bid for reelection in 2014, according to multiple state news outlets.

As first reported by The Philadelphia Inquirer, Comcast Executive Vice President David Cohen hosted a January fundraiser for Corbett at his Philadelphia home that helped net the governor $200,000 for his reelection campaign.

“I expect to support Gov Corbett,” Cohen told the Inquirer in an email message this week.

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At least 16 entities signed up as “platinum” sponsors, chipping in $25,000 apiece, according to a partial list released last week by O’Malley’s inaugural committee. They included Comcast, Marriott International and 1st Mariner Bank.

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 The biggest opponent of the bill is Philadelphia-based telecommunications giant Comcast. Almost all of the $108,429.25 Comcast spent on lobbying in 2011 was in opposition to paid sick days. It also is a major contributor to Mayor Nutter, contributing $7,500 to his campaign in 2011 and an additional $8,500 in 2012.

Really, it would’ve been best to stop reading there, because any argument that starts off with the arguer citing people ostensibly on its payroll is probably a shitty argument. It’d be like me saying the new Editor’s Commentary is great because Jim (who gets PTO, by the way) agrees that it is great (for realsies, it is great and we’re doing it again).

Cohen explains that even after the merger Comcast will have only about a third of the market for broadband and cable. That’s fine until you consider the fact that no other company will come even close to having a 30% market share in those two verticals and that Comcast will have a presence in virtually every major market in the country:

via BGR
via BGR

This means they will hold unprecedented power and negotiating leverage when it comes to content, much of which they will own or in which they will have a stake in one way, shape or form (NBC, CSN, Time Warner properties). Basically, if you’re a content provider or creator and want your content to reach Comcast’s markets, you might be forced to deal with Comcast, a prospect that’s even more frightening when you consider that, in 2018, Comcast’s court-mandated net neutrality shackles will be removed and, as it currently stands, they’d be able to charge content creators and providers, and customers, more to view select content.

Let’s turn our attention to that net neutrality (cable company fuckery) portion, where Cohen tried his own definition of “free and open”:

For our part, Comcast remains committed to a free and open Internet and supports the FCC putting in place strong, legally enforceable open Internet rules, but these rules should apply to all companies, not as unduly burdensome conditions that will prevent us from competing effectively in a highly competitive marketplace. Today, Comcast is the only company in America that is legally bound [editor’s note: until 2018] by all of the FCC’s now vacated Open Internet rules, and we’ve promised to extend these rules to millions of new customers in cities from New York to Los Angeles through our transaction with Time Warner Cable. We remain strongly supportive of the FCC putting in place legally enforceable rules to protect the openness of the Internet. The FCC is also separately looking at backbone interconnection issues, and this is properly an industry-wide issue that shouldn’t be handled in a transaction review.

FUCK YOU! Boasting about being legally bound to do something is like a prisoner boasting that he hasn’t tried to escape his jail cell. Today, I accept my sentence and will continue accepting my sentence even after I’m moved to a minimum security prison, because if I’m on good behavior, I can do whatever the hell I want when I get out in 2018. And that part about “these rules should apply to all companies” means that, in Comcast’s mind, “a free and open Internet” should give them the option to charge whatever they’d like for specific content, or just block it in general, on said “free and open Internet”… something that having a precense in every major market in the country will make it very easy to do.

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26 Responses

  1. A source has told me that he gets 31 days of a year, paid by comcast. 8 of them are called flex days which would be three equivalent if sick days. If you don’t use all of them in a year, they will pay you out up to a grand. Not sure what exactly they are opposing. These policies have been around for at least a decade

    1. Can’t argue with Kyle’s political opinions… he’s free to have one.

      However, why would a company who already gives it’s employees 21 days off during their first full year support the Philly Sick Leave Law. The guy above even says employees can cash in their time up to a grand if they don’t use it…. LOL SIGN ME UP!!!! I’d be happy to work there.

      I guess political opinions are only granted to people who write sports blogs in their basement. How date Mr. Cohen have one as well……

      1. None of this is a political opinion. The PTO comment was an off-hand remark. It was 1% of the entire post

        1. Yes. But still a misrepresentation of the facts at hand. Did you bother to ask why they oppose it? You get 21 days after like 3 months I think. Don’t use their flex days, you can cash em out on your anniversary.

          But that wouldn’t fit into your FU Comcast narrative. Instead you frame it like they don’t want to give their employees PTO.

          Shameful Kyle

          1. Really, “your friend” being cited as the basis of your argument – sure, sounds totally legit. I guess since “your friend” gets 21 days off a year you think everyone in the company must also get the same, so who needs any paid time off law? “Your Friend” has now set the bar for all Comcast employees? If they already supply PTO to their employees why are they spending $$ hand over foot to fight the law then??? You are a dipshit. I hope you get injured at work and they fuck you over

          2. Yep – believe it or not, EVERY employee is entitled to these days off, so says “my friend”. And I have no idea why they are fighting it, thus why the question should be asked, not the answer assumed.

  2. David Cohen is a snake.

    (David Cohen, please don’t vaporize my house from the Death Star rectangle indents on the top of the Comcast Center for calling you a snake.)

  3. Cohen is politically connected and also held a fundraiser, also at his home, for Obama in 2012. Rendell and Cohen are buds and Cohen got Fast Eddie a multi million no show job at Cohen’s former law firm and puts him in front of the TV on MSNBC and Comcast Sportsnet (post game Eagles). This is all in return for all the political favors Fast Eddie did for Comcast for 16 years while he was mayor and governor. Also, and this is why Comcast gave the Phils the billions in TV rights, Cohen secured Obama’s and Fast Eddie’s vote that you will never have an ala carte menu. Hence, the Phils will still get money for fielding a lousy team and attendance aside, the cash will keep flowing from Comcast to Montgomery, Giles and the other old buzzard that have not died off because whether you watch the Phils or not, you are paying Comcast for their network comprised of the Phils, Sixers and Flyers.

    1. My brain hurt reading this. Similar to the way my brain hurt the other day when that skivosa wrote about the eagles having to wear black jerseys because Nike is incompetent and racist…..or something.

  4. Cohen is absolutely one of the worst scumbags in politics today. Bribes, Lies, Threats, Blackmail – he is the go-to guy, and has been all his life. I think he is getting back at all the regular-looking people for making him look so ugly by comparison. The sociopath has not done one good deed in his life that didn’t give him payback many times over.

    1. What tribe does this David Cohen chap belong to? Same as Rendell and the Comcast Roberts scumbags no doubt.

      Off topic: Does Hollis Thomas add ANYTHING to WIP?

      1. @Hollis Thomas laugh

        Nothing but since Hollis is an ex Eagle,94wip gives him a job where that fat slob jaba the hut looking motherfucker laughs uncontrollably for hours on end.

        Speaking of ex Eagles,with Barrett Brooks,Ron Jaworski,Brian Westbrook,Brian Dawkins,Brian Baldinger and Jeremiah Trotter all working for 97.5 the fanatic,isn’t that kinda like ex Eagles overkill?

  5. Why bitch about a company that is solely responsible for carrying Philly on it’s back? That’s the great thing about America, if you don’t like Comcast don’t apply to work there. If you don’t like their prices try Fios or DirectTv. In the end all those cable companies are up to the same shit. You’re paying too much for cable and cellphone unless you are in a shell game where you are jumping every 2 years.

    Really ground breaking stuff tho with the contributions, no shit, this is going on everywhere. When it can be written off on taxes why not throw it to your buddies?

  6. Good post. Timely as well, considering how comcast just swindled me out of $125 on my bill when I cancelled their piece of shit triple play package.

  7. I’ve despised “Scumcast” for the past 15 years! That’s how long it’s been since they got any of my money. Anybody that subscribes to them is a fool!
    They raise rates ten times more than the others!
    Oh, did I mention….. FUCK COMCAST!!!!

  8. Comcast is just following the General Electric corporate business template from the Jack Welch era. GE bought RCA for the sole reason of owning a television network (NBC)….which means they were protected from a foreign takeover. Unions gave YOU the weekend off. In 2015 corporations have the option of cutting workers hours to less than 30 hrs a week. So they dont have to pay benefits. that’s the pushback to Obamacare.
    Oh, and when your tv freezes up digitally ? weak cable signal from too many splices inside your home.
    Oh, and Time Warners new logo is the Egyptian ‘eye” symbol…..represents the God Horus.
    later used on the back of the US dollar. Ordo Ab Chao.

    1. Monopolies are bad for capitalism.

      Comcast is limiting and stifling a free market that encourages competition which promotes growth in a capitalist society.

      Comcast is bad for consumers which is bad for the economy, which is bad for a capitalist society.

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