One of the Most Storied Sports Franchises in History Is Looking for a Swoop Apprentice

swoop-body-transparent

Hey kid, go get Uncle Swoop a fresh pair of shorts.

Somehow, after the post about Sixers jobs yesterday, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of Team Work Online job postings. Used to do that quite a bit when I had jobs I hated, but have since realized that most team jobs to which the Average Joe can apply are 70-hour per week indentured servitudes with funky hours and potentially no food. But, every now and then, there’s a winner. So, WHO WANTS TO BE SWOOP?

The Eagles recently posted a position for MASCOT APPRENTICE. And while that may sound like something Cousin Eddie’s older boy would do after barking for the Yak Woman (you ever see her? she’s got these big horns growing right out above her ears), it does sound like a pretty cool opportunity:

The Mascot Apprentice will be responsible for assisting SWOOP, the Eagles official mascot, at approximately 200 events annually. The scope of said events shall be threefold: those of a charitable nature, those of a corporate, revenue-generating nature, and those conducted in conjunction with Eagles’ corporate partners. In addition, the Mascot Apprentice, a highly motivated, energetic, talented individual will have the unique opportunity to learn the craft of SWOOP with the potential to perform as SWOOP for approximately up to 50 events annually including game-days. Mascot Apprentice will be responsible for maintaining the positive image for the mascot character.

Assist SWOOP, the Eagles official mascot, at approximately 200 events annually. Assisting includes a variety of duties such as ensuring mascot has mandatory break during event, communicating directives of client to mascot while in costume, helping to assure safety of mascot while in costume, carrying mascot gear, giveaways, and autograph materials.

Learn the unique craft of performing as SWOOP

Perform at approximately 50 corporate and community events as well as game-days by performing as SWOOP, once learning of craft is achieved.

Communicate regularly with Marketing Assets Coordinator to obtain necessary details to execute mascot schedule of appearances.

Basically, you’re Swoop’s bitch and his fill-in for nonsensical corporate appearances.

I’d also like to call your attention to THE WONDERFUL YAK WOMAN, SHE’S UGLY AS SIN BUT A SWEE… um, a couple of other lines from the job posting: the organizational overview and one specific req:

The Philadelphia Eagles are known as one of the more progressive organizations in professional sports and have come to be considered one of the most storied sports franchises in history. As an organization the Philadelphia Eagles is both an exciting and demanding place to work fueled by passion, dedication, and a commitment to the community and the Eagles Youth Partnership.

That’s interesting to read, because this is how the Eagles view themselves. No argument on the progressive organization thing (hello, Mr. Turbine and Mademoiselle Solar Lot), but one of the most storied sports franchises in history? Perhaps we can soften that language to, say, Gold Standard something that indicates a well-run business that hasn’t yet won anything of value.

Also:

Athletic abilities and a creative personality with a good sense of humor a must, along with being in good mental and physical health. Ability to work in extreme heat or cold weather conditions.

I’m not sure if that’s a Sandusky clause or a you better be able to take some guff, kid clause. But basically, you can’t do this:

Listing here.

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn
Share on email
Email

15 Comments

  • G Cobb's Mustache August 5, 2014 at 10:06 am

    since when are the Eagles “One of the most storied sports franchises in history”

    Reply
    • Erroneous Groundhog August 5, 2014 at 10:18 am

      where does it say that?

      Reply
      • Ike Reese's Garbled Attempt At English August 5, 2014 at 10:22 am

        In the fucking headline……

        Reply
        • Erroneous Groundhog Sees Shadow... August 5, 2014 at 10:30 am

          …Six more weeks of being clueless…..

          Reply
        • Erroneous Groundhog August 5, 2014 at 11:35 am

          oh wow thanks. I only saw it twice in the article

          Reply
      • Kyle Scott August 5, 2014 at 12:04 pm

        IN THE JOB POSTING.

        Reply
  • GayJeffySuxCox August 5, 2014 at 10:39 am

    This is just another attempt to divert attention from the FACT the the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, continue to gouge their loyal fans (see Stadium improvements that will NOT be funded by season ticket holders–a BOLD FACED LIE BY THAT COCKSUCKING OWNER) and the fact the we don’t give a fucking shit about anything other than the $$$$$$$$$$.
    “Gold Standard”BLOW ME Gay Jeffy

    Reply
    • Dr. Katz August 5, 2014 at 10:59 am

      Are you ok? Do you need to talk to someone? Its ok, let it out. Everything is going to be fine.

      Reply
    • Steve August 5, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      GJSC- you’re an idiot. Lurie held onto Reid too long, but generally speaking, he is a great owner. Eagles have been winning since he bought the team, the stadium is nice and getting nicer. Not to mention one if the greenest stadiums in the world. Guy opens the check book and keeps his nose out of football decisions. And a historically losing franchise has won since he’s been here. You don’t know what a bad owner is. Also your name is embarrassing.

      Reply
  • SH August 5, 2014 at 11:41 am

    “Storied Sports Franchises in History”… Really?

    Reply
    • Kyle Scott August 5, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      READ THE POSSSSTTTT!!!!!

      Reply
      • Erroneous Groundhog August 5, 2014 at 12:09 pm

        relax kyle, this is trolling at it’s finest.

        Reply
      • Your Copy Editor August 5, 2014 at 1:30 pm

        Dear Kyle,

        You should probably put “One of the Most Stories Sports Franchises in History” in quotes in the headline so people will understand this isn’t something you’re saying. If you’re not doing that because you want to attract page views, then you have to live with the fact that people will comment on it without reading the full article.

        Love,
        Your Copy Editor

        Reply
  • UL Washington's Toothpick August 6, 2014 at 12:13 am

    i swear to god i thought this story was going to be aboot the Montreal Canadians when i read the headline.

    Reply
  • Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *