I'm so tired from all this football

I’m so tired from all this football

I just got home from the game, all excited to write some Quick Post-Game Thoughts about yet another, thrilling victory. Can’t wait to write about the fight. Can’t wait to write about Jason Peters’ family sitting behind me screaming “Get him, Jason!” during said fight. Can’t wait to make fun of DeSean. Can’t wait to talk about beautiful Malcolm Jenkins and perfect unicorn Cody Parkey. Can’t wait for those things!

Nope.

We’re going to talk about how Cary Williams is a big, tired asshole.

Apparently at some point between when I was stuck in the NovaCare lot and when I was still stuck in the NovaCare lot, Williams decided he would take a break from inhaling DeSean Jaccson’s exhaust and completely trash Chip Kelly.

Let’s dig right in, because any more foreplay will tire Cary out [quotes, bolded, from Matt Lombardo of NJ.com and CSN]:

“When you don’t have legs, period, it shows up in the game. Period. Throughout the game. Period.”

Like when the other team’s wide receiver blows by you for a deep reception, twice.

“I just want to be healthy during the week, and I want to be healthy when we play on Sunday,” Williams said in a petulant tone not unlike an exasperated significant other who knows they’re being completely ridiculous in their nitpicking but can’t help it because they’re just looking to pick a fight.

Williams was then asked if the rigorous practice schedule is getting to him.

“Hmmm! Hmm!” he sighed like a southern woman who thinks she’s right about how “that boy is never gonna learn!” “You gotta take care of your guys during the week, that’s how you find that energy– taking care of your guys during the week. You do that, then that’s how you’ll see a better result on Sundays early on.”

The Eagles are 2-0 on Sundays early on this season, with a combined margin of 50-14 in the two second halves, respectively. They’re 1-0 on Mondays, with a margin of 24-10 in the second half.

“I was just trying to conserve as much energy during the week so I can be as effective as I can be on Sundays. It was just such a dog fight. It didn’t help that I wasn’t healthy through the week and it didn’t help that I had a dog fight before the week and then I had a dog fight during the game. It’s just tough, man. We have to start taking care of our guys, taking care of our players, doing the right thing from there.”

“I didn’t practice every week, there’s a reason for that. A lot of guys had no legs. A lot of guys were in a dog fight before the game even started. We have to take care of our guys during the week to make sure we’re fresh come Sundays.”

Somewhere, Michael Vick’s dogs are like, “Yeah, you want to see a real dog fight? Let me show you this inflatable pool and Michael’s toaster. Ruff. Ruff.”

This seems like a good time to point out that Chip Kelly uses advanced sports science, body monitors, sleep monitors, dream journals, thought police, and a team of microscopic gnomes trained to listen for abnormalities in systole, to optimize, report and track players’ health during the week. Williams seems to be the only one who thinks this is a problem. Brandon Boykin certainly didn’t look like he was in a dog fight this week… unless that dog fight consisted of precise training on how to stick your man with the game on the line.

“In other words, we have to be smart. As a coaching staff and as players.”

“I’m going to be honest with you, it didn’t matter if we had a short week or a long week, it’s been the same. Something needs to change for us to be more productive. It’s tough enough to go out there and play hard for 60 minutes, let alone having to fight through the week.”

But… we’re from Philadelphia and we fight, right?

“I’m saying [practicing every day] impacted a lot of people. A lot of people, but I’m just the only one man enough to get up here and say anything about it, talk to ya’ll as a man and discuss and issue that obviously in my opinion is an issue in our starts [to games].”

No, no. You’re just the only one stupid enough to rip your coach after starting the season 3-0.

“But again, I’m just employee 26 and whatever they deem necessary to get us ready for Sunday is whatever it is. If we have to find energy from outside sources to start games quick, then we’ve got to do it. But right now, the way we’re doing it, it’s not conducive to success.”

Gonna be ex-employee 2 if you keep it up. Alex Henery awaits your arrival.

On DeSean Jaccson placing Williams in his rearview mirror:

“It upset me. It upset me because I was expecting help in a situation where I thought I had safety help and I turned around and there wasn’t any help behind me.”

“We have to be smarter out there on the field, it’s that simple. It was a spot where a guy cut, he was cut and when they cut like that, they tend to run deep balls. I was trying to do my job. I lured him into a funneling situation to the safety, but there wasn’t a safety there.”

This is almost a parody of Cary Williams. It’s like Jay Pharoah doing Cary Williams. The wide receiver torching me on that deep route – the DeSean one, not the other one I got torched on – is not my fault, because part of my plan was for him to torch me. I was just trying to do my job by, on the fly, deciding to funnel one of the fastest players in the league to the safety I don’t trust and who wasn’t expecting it. You know, man, just keep things simple.

“We take a lot of reps. It’s taxing on your body. It’s difficult and you have to find that energy. We’ve been able to muscle through that, fight through that as a team but there are some modifications that need to be made.”

“Again, I’m just employee 26 but I know how to take care of my body, how to get ready for the game and the way we’re doing it right now, it isn’t conducive to success.”

3-0. 10-1 in last 11 regular season games.

And thus concludes the Cary Williams era. Replace your sconces accordingly.

Partial video after the jump.