We Have Obtained an EXCLUSIVE Copy of Ruben Amaro’s “The Phillies Way”

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Amaro puts the finishing touches on his prose

Matt Gelb writes about the handbook Ruben Amaro distributed to his staff recently:

While two teams that did not win 90 regular-season games in 2014 played to the conclusion of the World Series, the Phillies huddled at their facility in Clearwater, Fla. General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. unveiled The Phillies Way, a handbook distributed to all baseball personnel – coaches, scouts, athletic trainers included – during the team’s organizational meetings this week.

The Phillies are not the first team to draft such a manual. Amaro planned it, well before the franchise shifted to a rebuilding phase, and decided this was the ideal time to affirm the team’s direction.

While the full handbook was unavailable to us, we were able to get our mitts on the book’s table of contents, which tells us quite a bit about The Phillies Way. Head over the jump for an EXCLUSIVE look inside the super secret handbook.

Forward: Written By Roy Halladay (Oh Shit! There’s Stickers)

I struggle writing this due to the privacy of a man of integrity and the definition of a baseball player. In the video room in the stadium you will find a row of heart and hustle trophies with Chase’s name. Not because somebody chose to display them but rather a junk drawer of sorts for a man who although appreciates the honor and plays the game for all the right reasons!

Chapter 1: WAR, What Is It Good For?

Absolutely nothing.

Chapter 2: Keeping The Band Together

The Rolling StonesThe EaglesAerosmith, Dave Matthews BandPearl Jam, and U2. Though they may have encountered their share of problems, they stuck together until they were old and grey, and in some cases, dead. There’s something admirable about that.

Chapter 3: Buy Now, Pay Later

How to blow a $125 million.

Chapter 4: The Trade Deadline

Buyers or sellers? It’s best to keep them guessing… and then do nothing.

Chapter 5: The Negotiation, Simplified

Just offer more than anyone else. A lot more.

Chapter 6: Closing The Deal

Two words: Player. Option.

Chapter 7: Ethics

That college kid totally should’ve known better. Next time don’t enter the draft, dick.

Chapter 8: Cuban Missile Crisis

[Due to a printing error in this edition, the pages in this chapter are blank. Check back in a few years.]

Chapter 9: Loyalty

To a fault.

Chapter 10: The Win

Oft-overlooked and slandered by nerds, we believe it still has a place in the game today.

Chapter 11: The Alphabet, Ben Revere Shows Off His Third Tool (And He Learned It All By Himself!)

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Chapter 12: Who’s Got Next? (A Special Advertising Section)

10***** LOCKS. DIVISION WINNERS!! IMPECCABLE RECORD! IF YOU ACQUIRED ONE OF OUR OUTFIELDERS IN THE LAST 5 YEARS, YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO WIN YOUR DIVISION AND PROBABLY THE WORLD SERIES. TURN YOUR FORTUNES AROUND!!! OUR PROPRIETARY FORECASTING SYSTEM CAN HELP YOU WIN BIG!!!! DEAL WITH US TODAY, WIN TOMORROW. VICTORINO, PENCE, WERTH, EVEN FUCKING DELMON YOUNG– OUR OUTFIELDERS ARE GUARANTEED TO WIN FOR YOU!!!! EASY $$$$$$. CALL TODAY TO RECEIVE A FREE COMPENSATORY PICK– WE DON’T NEED IT ANYWAY!!!!

Chapter 13: Fine Wines

Everything gets better with age, even high-mileage relievers!

Chapter 14: Trouble With The Curve

Special guest author: Ryan Howard.

Chapter 15: Plates Appearances and At-Bats– Are They Really That Different?

We don’t think so!

Chapter 16: Firing Fan Favorites

Do it on an off-day, and then announce it on a Friday afternoon. We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible.

Chapter 17: THE BROADCAST

HELLO EVERYBODY I’M TOM MCCARTHY AND WELCOME TO BEEEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUTIFUL CHAPTER 17, BROUGHT TO YOU BY CITIZENS BANK– FROM PERSONAL BANKING TO MORTGAGE LENDING, THEY’RE WITH YOU EVVVVERRRRRRRRRRY STEP OF THE WAY.

Chapter 18: My, Myself and Cinco

Players with split personalities: ultra competitors or clubhouse cancers? Exploring both sides of the issues.

Chapter 19: Management

We sit down with Ryne Sandberg to discuss how he handles the wide-ranging personalities in the clubhouse.

Chapter 20: Everyone Is Allowed To Have Their Own Opinion

We sit down with Jimmy Rollins to find out why he’s not talking to his manager. “Obviously he’s upset about something,” Rollins tells us.

Chapter 21: Heads, Shoulders, Chase Utley’s Knees, and Toes

He’s totally fine! Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with his degenerative knee condition.

Chapter 22: Insanity

If you keep doing the same thing, you can eventually expect a different result.

Epilogue: Written By Howard Eskin

Sources tell me team President David Montgomery’s cancer was a convenient excuse for him to be pushed out of the organization by billionaire John Middleton! Tune in to FOX 29 at 5:30 for the l8ist!

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19 Responses

  1. If you actually got your hands on the pamphlet it would’ve been impressive. This re-hashing of every RAJ/Aging Team/Howard Cant Hit/Utley’s Knees joke that you’ve ever told (or heard someone else tell) is stupid and lazy. No one likes a clip show, guys.

    1. leave kyle be…the flyers lost last night so he has nothing to fawn over. probably too busy promoting one of his other 854 ventures…cause you know in depth analysis is too hard for him

      1. You’re right. He’s much more interested in collecting dick pics of Philadelphia athletes rather than doing anything that remotely resembles journalism.

        Again, Mr. Scott (or whatever that mixed up alphabet soup of a real last name of yours is),
        show us the actual publication and I, like the rest of your audience, will be impressed.

  2. This is somehow worse than that stupid RAJ gmail mockup they posted a few months back. Come on guys, I know its Friday but post something interesting or relevant.

  3. I’m not even trying to be mean to Kyle. I’m being honest here.

    That was painfully unfunny. Like cringe-worthy bad. Even Joe Conklin gets in a few good lines here and there.

  4. I would sue you for pain and suffering for this pathetic attempt but I’m not licensed in your state.

  5. The entire organization, from rookie A ball to the majors should be seamless. Every coach should be on the same page vis a vis drills, pitching signs, cut off signs, pitching, batting, and fielding approaches. By the time a player moves through the system to the majors he should have already instilled in him the finer details of the game with several years under the same system.

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