Marcus Hayes Offers PIPING HOT TAKE and Feigns Outrage over Antics at Media Day, Gets an Entire Column out of It

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Does my head make me look fat?

The Daily News sent fun-hating, race-baiting gasbag Marcus Hayes to Phoenix to cover Media Day and, presumably, the Super Bowl. And Hayes, who not surprisingly had nothing better to write about today, wrote an entire column about how awful the antics at media day are… thus justifying the existence of said antics.

Let’s delve into Mr. Hayes’ nonsense:

Marshawn Lynch literally grabbed his crotch to express contempt for the assembled throng of 200 media members as he made his way to his podium at the start of Media Day.

For the next 5 minutes or so, Lynch figuratively grabbed his crotch to express contempt for the NFL and its commissioner, Roger Goodell.

I get it– Lynch’s press conference was like the verbal equivalent of his actions. That’s deep, yo.

Lynch, who timed himself on his smartphone, saw the 5-minute mark pass, arose and said, “Time.”

He left the Skittles bag on the stage and bolted.

With more than 57 minutes left in Media Day, Beast Mode entered Airplane Mode and ended all transmissions.

Was that… an iPhone joke?*

*Topical today, by the way, as Apple announced yesterday that they sold 77 million iPhones last quarter and had the most profitable quarter – over $18 BILLION with a B in profit – IN THE HISTORY OF BUSINESS! Today is a good day to own Apple stock. PARTY OVER HERE, BABBBBBBY!!! WOOT, WOOT!! I should’ve held up a crumpled sticky note in my hand and yelled at my computer screen in euphoric fashion as the markets opened, just to get the full visceral and aural experience of riding a HOT ONE to a (as I write this) more than seven-point gain! But please, tell me more about how much better your giant Samsung Galaxy is.

Back to Marcus:

Media Day at the Super Bowl, an hourlong availability of essentially everyone of merit in both organizations held every Tuesday of Super Bowl week, seldom elicits any real information about players or their teams; but then, most interviews with NFL types elicit little information. Top players and the head coach are available 3 or 4 days during Super Bowl week, but the intent of Media Day is to afford access to all players, coaches and executives to all members of the press on one day, in one place.

The NFL has credentialed entertainment reporters and fostered a circus atmosphere, a circus the NFL now charges fans $28.50 to witness.

Seriously.

Meme: Reporter sent across the country to cover admittedly meaningless day of press conferences complains that meaningless day of press conferences is meaningless. How do I make that into an image? Perhaps a GIF?

The availability has devolved to include guys who wear barrels over their bare torsos; Olympic skaters Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski asking fashion questions for NBC; and beautiful women in short skirts who salsa dance with Kam Chancellor.

OK, we can keep that last one.

No surprise. We’ve known for a while now that Hayes is an ass man. But I thought for a second that he was going to make a borderline homophobic remark about (the outstanding) Johnny Weir and his bae Tara Lipinski. Phew.

Spritely divas Lipinski and Weir, former Olympic skaters working the fashion angle for NBC, showed up in fabulous outfits. He had on a scarlet jacket over a silk shirt with a gemstone necklace, crammed his feet into 4-inch wedge booties and wore more makeup than she did.

There it is.

Not Lynch.

His refusal to engage the press, and therefore the fans, is why Lynch was fined before.

That’s why Lynch should be fined again; fined, at least.

If he is allowed to act this way, nothing would prevent other players – all players – from acting this way.

That is why Lynch not talking is a big deal.

It’s really not a big deal. It’s funny, actually. Because Lynch answering “I’m here so I won’t get fined” is no less insightful than the 100 other players telling the media they’re focused and ready for their opponent, whom they respect. We need more of that, obviously.

His teammates’ defense of him is understandable; to them, Lynch is loyal in the locker room and ferocious on the field, fully worthy of his “Beast Mode” nickname.

Also, consider their general profile: These largely are very young men whose talent has afforded them shelter and structure most of their lives. They are people for whom “hard work” equates to lifting weights and running sprints; for whom “commitment” means adhering to a loose daily schedule that tells them when to wake, when to eat, when to think; for whom “adversity” means being .500 midway through a season and somehow making the playoffs.

They know little of the real world and its gravity.

There’s a good point in there somewhere, but it’s buried beneath the fact that Lynch (and presumably more than a handful of his teammates) grew up in the projects and had to do things like wear the same clothes to school for a week at a time. [Editor’s note: I wear the same clothes to work for a week at a time… but that’s different.] The hard work of lifting, running sprints and getting your head bashed in by 300-pound defenders doesn’t sound like nearly the struggle of, say, Hayes taking an estimated 80 minutes to churn out a heaping pile of shit before heading down to the hotel bar and then returning to his room to look at all those porn images his Twitter account favorited last year… though I’m sure they would illicit a vigorous spanking. That struggle would be real.

Lynch’s boycott of the press is no different from boycotting a meeting, a practice or a game. What if he mailed it in at the Super Bowl the way he mailed it in on Media Day?

What if bees produced poison instead of honey? This is like a poorly written SAT question. D) None of the above– Lynch’s effort at Media Day has nothing to do with his effort during the Super Bowl. I’m sorry to tell you, Marcus, but you’re going to be waitlisted.

As expected, his antics stole the spotlight from other, less distasteful distractions.

Belichick waxed sentimental about his love for Jon Bon Jovi and all things Jovian (sorry, Jupiter). Tom Brady buys chocolate bars as a late-night 7-Eleven indulgence. Patriots running back LeGarrette Blount believes the Seahawks’ defense is not made up of vampires:

“They’re not immortal.”

MEDIA DAY IS STUPID AND THIS PARTICULAR STUPIDITY DISTRACTED FROM OTHER STUPID THINGS! I AM MAD.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski created a stir by reading aloud from an erotic novel that starred a fictional version of himself. The erotica was poorly done and, really, coincidental.

The news was that Gronk can read.

Haha. OK, that’s funny.

He contends he wants no attention beyond the game-day adulation of his fans . . . then arrives for Media Day in sunglasses, a special (and possibly unsanctioned) Beast Mode hat. He grabs his crotch, flashes a hollow, gold-toothed smile and figuratively flips the league the bird.

Within an hour, the hat was available online for $33, touted as the one Lynch wore during Media Day.

It was the height of hypocrisy. Lynch was afforded a priceless, 5-minute ad for Skittles and New Era caps.

Both are corporate partners with the NFL.

Maybe the league should just call it even.

I don’t even understand his conclusion, but I think the joke is on Marcus here.

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20 Responses

  1. I am sorry.

    Just so sorry.

    Should have pulled out. Or made her swallow. Or maybe some butt stuff. Whatever.

    I am just so, so sorry.

  2. He sucks. I guess when he re-reads his story through his lazy eye before submitting to his editor, it sounds good to him.

  3. Thank goodness Lynch isn’t white. If he was we would have to hear about white priviledge somewhere in there. I must have missed his obligatory rip on Chase Utley?

  4. The only thing worse than Marcus Hayes is someone complaining about Marcus Hayes.

    Marcus Hayes writes stupid column – Kyle (poorly) makes fun of it as a form of content on his message board/blog thing – Marcus Hayes writes stupid column – Kyle (poorly) makes fun of it as a form of content on his message board/blog thing – Marcus Hayes writes stupid column –

    And on and on and on and on. It’s the circle of life, if that life is using someone else’s work to generate content for yourself.

  5. What’s up with this guys skin??? He has all these little bumps on his face…. Not a face for TV. This is one thing that philly does wrong. Have u seen Fox News or cnn latley ? All smoking hot chicks… That’s what people want to see. Csn philly doesn’t seem to mind putting horrible ugly people on screen. I mean Jesus… I watch this while I’m eating breakfast everyday!!! I don’t want to look at this dude horrible face and reea hews gigantic dentures !!!

    FIX THIS!!!

  6. Two things:

    1) As stupid as Hayes’ writing about Lynch was (just like everything else he writes), he still has a point. Lynch was acting like a fucking baby because he had to talk to the media for 5 minutes and its just irritating. Though there is definitely a more elo

    1. eloquent way of saying that.

      (Thanks for the shitty website that posted before I was done writing)

      2) Fuck you and your Apple stock. Apple making record profits does not mean iPhones are necessarily better than the Galaxy (let’s be honest here, they’re basically the same damn thing) all it means is that Apple is more effective at marketing/creating brand zombies who will buy literally everything they produce.

  7. Jesus Kyle, must you insert something stupid about your self and your so called knowledge of technology into every story!? Just get on with it!!!

  8. Lynch just realizes what the rest of us already know. That the media in this country are a complete fucking joke. Point A.) Marcus hayes.

    The only people who don’t realize this are the media themselves.

  9. Thanks Ky. Read this on Deadspin earlier this morning. As usual, keep up the great copy / paste work!

  10. Last I checked iphones aren’t waterproof, can’t be used as a smart remote, don’t have full NFC, have shitty battery life, take a long time to charge, barely have widgets, have a keyboard copied right from android, don’t have 2 power saving modes, don’t have touch sensitivity so it’s basically worthless when you have gloves on, ios is not customizable at all, and samsung phones don’t bend in your pocket.

    Besides when was the last time you saw a phone salesmen use an iphone? I would think they would know the most about which phone is best.

      1. Only because Apple has so many fan girls like Kyle. If people would smarten up Apple would easily be put out of business with devices like Samsung’s phones and the Surface Pro 3.

      2. You do know Samsung leads globally over apple right? apple can’t hold shit compared to samsung.

  11. Howard kept peppering Lynch with questions. His sole purpose was to antagonize Lynch. He could care less but Howard is a media w h o r e. The man’s job in life is to call people who are more talented than him d opes. This will end up generating a call next Saturday from that loser L@vi and the other sycophants who call the show. Hey everybody look at me I’m the King.

  12. As an official representative of the NFL, I must inform Mr. Lynch that we own all rights to his brain and everything within it until he takes one too many hits and it leaks out of his ears while we pretend that our ridiculously profitable business isn’t killing participants slowly.

    Also anyone who laughs at Marshawn gets fined $50,000 for illegal celebration.

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