Photo Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Photo Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

The Wells Report, released earlier today, determined that the Patriots’ deflation of footballs was likely not a mistake COMPLETELY INTENTIONAL. Specifically, it read:

We have concluded that it is more probable than not that Jim McNally (the Officials Locker Room attendant for the Patriots) and John Jastremski (an equipment assistant for the Patriots) participated in a deliberate effort to release air from Patriots game balls after the balls were examined by the referee. Based on the evidence, it also is our view that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady (the quarterback for the Patriots) was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities of McNally and Jastremski involving the release of air from Patriots game balls.

But the best parts of the report are the texts between McNally and Jastremski, which, inexplicably, were made available to NFL investigators. They’re often hilarious and cranky, will probably get McNally and Jastremsky uninvited from any upcoming barbecues at the Brady house, and read like the grammatical back-and-forth between two teenage girls pining over the same boy.

The first exchange in the report opens with the amazing and almost surreal one-liner: “Tom is acting crazy about balls”:


Tom did not like the balls that McNally handled, and that made McNally mad:


If you thought that two guys whose job entailed dealing almost exclusively with balls would conduct themselves with a certain level of maturity, you were wrong:


I can only hope “I have a big needle for you this week” was accidentally sent to someone else first, forcing a panicked Jastremski to follow up, “OMG WRONG NUMBER.”

They also discussed getting autographed merch from Brady, definitely not as a thank you for under-deflating his balls:


And in the most damning messages of all, McNally literally calls himself “the deflator,” which sounds like a horrible, horrible Jason Statham movie. Also, WHY DID THESE GUYS HAND THEIR PHONES TO INVESTIGATORS? What, exactly, compelled them to do so?

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Jastremski (on page 91) claimed to be in possession of the ball that Tom Brady threw for his 50,000th yard with, even though another, presumably IMPOSTER BALL was designated the official ball by the Patriots. He later confessed that the autographed ball wasn’t the actual 50,000 yard ball, proving that he’s the kind of asshole who lies to his mom in a text message. He also exchanged a bunch of texts (and calls) with Brady, which all seem to be some form of “hey man don’t worry,” and “call me”:

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Really. If discipline comes down on Brady, it’ll probably be in the form of some small fine or suspension for like a quarter or something. I don’t know how the league will (or can) discipline McNally and Jastremski, but this whole thing reads like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern — or Harry and Lloyd, if you’d rather — were controlling all of the balls. How did these dudes even get their jobs?

Kyle: THIS IS THE BEST SNAPCHAT AD EVER. WHY DID TOM SEND NON-EPHEMERAL TEXTS MESSAGES? What was he thinking? Also, “No worries bud. We are all good.” and “Come to the QB room” are the kinds of messages bad guys send in movies before tying up loose ends. I’m shocked that McNally and Jastremski are still alive. Are they still alive? Is Jastremski dead in the hallway somewhere between the ball boy room and the QB room? Is that how investigators were able to recover his phone? I mean, I’m kind of joking, but the tight end recently killed someone, so I guess it’s not that far-fetched to think a Patriots player murdered a person in possession of damning evidence against him.