The Best Parts of the Wells Report Are the Texts Between Two Inept Idiots, and Tom Brady, the Third Inept Idiot

Photo Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Photo Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

The Wells Report, released earlier today, determined that the Patriots’ deflation of footballs was likely not a mistake COMPLETELY INTENTIONAL. Specifically, it read:

We have concluded that it is more probable than not that Jim McNally (the Officials Locker Room attendant for the Patriots) and John Jastremski (an equipment assistant for the Patriots) participated in a deliberate effort to release air from Patriots game balls after the balls were examined by the referee. Based on the evidence, it also is our view that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady (the quarterback for the Patriots) was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities of McNally and Jastremski involving the release of air from Patriots game balls.

But the best parts of the report are the texts between McNally and Jastremski, which, inexplicably, were made available to NFL investigators. They’re often hilarious and cranky, will probably get McNally and Jastremsky uninvited from any upcoming barbecues at the Brady house, and read like the grammatical back-and-forth between two teenage girls pining over the same boy.

The first exchange in the report opens with the amazing and almost surreal one-liner: “Tom is acting crazy about balls”:

text

Tom did not like the balls that McNally handled, and that made McNally mad:

text1

If you thought that two guys whose job entailed dealing almost exclusively with balls would conduct themselves with a certain level of maturity, you were wrong:

text2

I can only hope “I have a big needle for you this week” was accidentally sent to someone else first, forcing a panicked Jastremski to follow up, “OMG WRONG NUMBER.”

They also discussed getting autographed merch from Brady, definitely not as a thank you for under-deflating his balls:

text3

And in the most damning messages of all, McNally literally calls himself “the deflator,” which sounds like a horrible, horrible Jason Statham movie. Also, WHY DID THESE GUYS HAND THEIR PHONES TO INVESTIGATORS? What, exactly, compelled them to do so?

text 4
text 4-2

Jastremski (on page 91) claimed to be in possession of the ball that Tom Brady threw for his 50,000th yard with, even though another, presumably IMPOSTER BALL was designated the official ball by the Patriots. He later confessed that the autographed ball wasn’t the actual 50,000 yard ball, proving that he’s the kind of asshole who lies to his mom in a text message. He also exchanged a bunch of texts (and calls) with Brady, which all seem to be some form of “hey man don’t worry,” and “call me”:

brady text

brady text 1

brady text 2

brady text 3

Really. If discipline comes down on Brady, it’ll probably be in the form of some small fine or suspension for like a quarter or something. I don’t know how the league will (or can) discipline McNally and Jastremski, but this whole thing reads like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern — or Harry and Lloyd, if you’d rather — were controlling all of the balls. How did these dudes even get their jobs?

Kyle: THIS IS THE BEST SNAPCHAT AD EVER. WHY DID TOM SEND NON-EPHEMERAL TEXTS MESSAGES? What was he thinking? Also, “No worries bud. We are all good.” and “Come to the QB room” are the kinds of messages bad guys send in movies before tying up loose ends. I’m shocked that McNally and Jastremski are still alive. Are they still alive? Is Jastremski dead in the hallway somewhere between the ball boy room and the QB room? Is that how investigators were able to recover his phone? I mean, I’m kind of joking, but the tight end recently killed someone, so I guess it’s not that far-fetched to think a Patriots player murdered a person in possession of damning evidence against him.

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35 Responses

  1. These texts seem too good to be true, right? They seem extremely scripted. Maybe those two were part of a shake down or sting operation or some shit.

    Either way, they are going to disappear soon enough, Boston gangster style.

  2. Oh this is classic, but since his d bag is the Golden boy he probably gets a fine, maybe a 1 game suspension. I wish nothing but the worst for him and the Pats organization.

  3. Best thing about the Mccoy controversy today is no General Knowledge Wednesday on Mike Miss show. It’s like the show gets rolling and then bam, throw on the brakes and stop everything so we can have some moron incorrectly answer questions like “what is the capital of some third world country”. Simply a horrible idea, needs to go.

  4. still the greatest qb of all time, everyone wanted to see the pats get stomped in the Super Bowl, yet he shredded what is possibly the best defense in the last 20 years

  5. It won’t be just Brady. The Pats REFUSED to make McNally available to Wells for a second interview. That’s violating a paramount rule of cooperation among the teams. They will get AT LEAST a ten dollar fine…

  6. I’m NOT saying Kyle Scott lifted this directly from Deadspin, I’m just saying if you go on Deadspin it’s there. And if you come, it’s there.

    So, you know.

  7. anyone catch Jillian Mele performing the 3 cone drill today??? titties bouncing all over. She aint got much to show for in the backdoor area, but i would probably jump in a pool of shit just to have her pee on my face

  8. Could give a fuck about this…but these two guys are great. Hope Sat Nite live does a spoof on it.

    1. Hahah, that would be great bro. I could picture snl now, “so is it small enough now”. “No need my balls smaller, small balls please.” They could do a digital short or something with it. Be good idea to see them cut back to Wells while he’s reading it ( maybe played by special gues of week or Andy sandberg?)

  9. My god if Gargano mentions he knows Mccoy again I’m gonna smash my car radio. Dude we get it you did a show with him. That doesn’t make you special

    1. i was thinking the same thing.

      hey cuz, if you have such a great relationship with mccoy, why isn’t he on your show this morning explaining himself?

  10. Anyone hear that fat slob Barrett brooks sticking up for shady this morning on boring on broad

    1. You should have realized the answer to your question was “no” as you were typing ” this morning on Breakfast on Broad”.

  11. Notice how Mlss R0bln doesn’t hang around the studio anymore?
    You can thank me for that. Same with her not going to Vegas. yep, all me too.

  12. Man, Tom Brady can’t even treat the guys right who are hooking him up/risking their necks by tampering with NFL game balls after they were inspected by officials? What a dick!

  13. Yo Bo! I was just telling lil Ant the other day about that Super Bowl. He’s a cheater! We had that game! If he didn’t cheat we would have won. The Birds. We would have been champs! It would have been awesome bo!!!!

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