Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

That kid who got his left arm bitten off by a shark over the weekend talks about what it’s like when a shark bites off your left arm*:

“We were just playing around in the waves, and I felt a hit on my left calf,” 16-year-old Hunter Treschl said in a videotaped interview released Tuesday night by the hospital where he is being treated. “I thought it felt like a big fish, and I started moving away. And then the shark bit my arm – off.”

“That was the first time I saw it, when it was biting up my left arm,” he said in the videotape, released Tuesday night by the New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Yeah, you know what? I like my left arm. I think I’ll just stay on the beach, safely away from the ocean. I don’t see the downside here.

More: A 10-year-old boy was bitten in the calf by a shark in Florida in only chest-deep water. But he was one of the lucky ones– he held on to his particular extremity.

And that brings me to another point– dolphins would never try to pull this shit.

Yesterday, an impromptu sharks vs. dolphins debate came up on Twitter between me and Ryan Petzar, who’s a sea mammal-hating heathen. For some reason, he sided with sharks. Hogwash. Because where a dolphin would take you for a joyous and splashy ride on his nose if given the opportunity… as seen here with me riding this playful porpoise…

Voila_Capture 2015-06-16_06-59-49_PM
You can’t do this shit on a shark’s nose

… had that been a shark beneath me, it would’ve eaten my goddamn legs. In fact, that’s my criteria for judging the merits of sea creatures: what does it do when you step on its nose? Dolphin: joyous and splashy ride. Shark: eats your goddamn legs. Advantage: dolphin.

*To the kid’s credit, he’s taking the whole thing in stride. I’d be acting like a big bitch if something ate my left arm for an afternoon snack. Hell, I’ve had more dramatic reactions to mosquito bites.


20 Responses

  1. I emailed the coast guard about my Poison Minnow plan to kill these sharks. No response back yet

  2. sharks are everywhere dude and florida always leads the world in shark bites.

    funny how idiots think the ocean is somehow not WILD. you wouldn’t go running around in africa and not expect to have some lions chasing after you would you? we’re lucky that sharks don’t target people as food because they’re all around us.

  3. Now that people know I’m white again, I can finally go back into the ocean without raising any questions.

  4. There are a few “radio personalities” that I wish would take a swim in the ocean

  5. Kyle please stay out of the water, every time I see those thumbs of yours I want to throw up an arm and a leg!

  6. What kind of pussy wears a shirt in the water, are you hiding those mab tits Kyle

  7. Another reason to prefer dolphins is they’ve been known to gang up on sharks to chase them off, and in some cases protect people from sharks by chasing them off. Oh and their teeth aren’t as big or lethal. Oh and they don’t eat people.

  8. Dolphins ram sharks and kill them…..they know the right spot.
    Sharks and Alligators don’t get cancer. something in their blood.
    learned that on a Swamp Boat Tour in Nawlins.

    1. Common myth, sharks do indeed get cancer but it is fairly rare. Also, more people will die from bee stings this summer than will die from shark attacks.

      1. from Nat Geo:
        Luer says that sharks aren’t entirely cancer-free, a mistaken perception that has gained some public acceptance. “Lots of the media will overstate this [resistance] and say, ‘sharks don’t get cancer.’ That’s not the case, but their incidence is impressively low, the number of documented cases is low. We don’t say that they don’t get it, but we think that they must have some way to combat it.”

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