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Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jun 17th, 2015 · 6:00 PM EDT

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That kid who got his left arm bitten off by a shark over the weekend talks about what it’s like when a shark bites off your left arm*:

“We were just playing around in the waves, and I felt a hit on my left calf,” 16-year-old Hunter Treschl said in a videotaped interview released Tuesday night by the hospital where he is being treated. “I thought it felt like a big fish, and I started moving away. And then the shark bit my arm – off.”

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“That was the first time I saw it, when it was biting up my left arm,” he said in the videotape, released Tuesday night by the New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Yeah, you know what? I like my left arm. I think I’ll just stay on the beach, safely away from the ocean. I don’t see the downside here.

More: A 10-year-old boy was bitten in the calf by a shark in Florida in only chest-deep water. But he was one of the lucky ones– he held on to his particular extremity.

And that brings me to another point– dolphins would never try to pull this shit.

Yesterday, an impromptu sharks vs. dolphins debate came up on Twitter between me and Ryan Petzar, who’s a sea mammal-hating heathen. For some reason, he sided with sharks. Hogwash. Because where a dolphin would take you for a joyous and splashy ride on his nose if given the opportunity… as seen here with me riding this playful porpoise…

… had that been a shark beneath me, it would’ve eaten my goddamn legs. In fact, that’s my criteria for judging the merits of sea creatures: what does it do when you step on its nose? Dolphin: joyous and splashy ride. Shark: eats your goddamn legs. Advantage: dolphin.

*To the kid’s credit, he’s taking the whole thing in stride. I’d be acting like a big bitch if something ate my left arm for an afternoon snack. Hell, I’ve had more dramatic reactions to mosquito bites.