Screaming Eagles and the Jamaican Spliffhawks by Mark Saltveit
Mark Saltveit is an author, writer, sometime contributor to Bleeding Green Nation, and Chip Kelly expert. His new book, Controlled Chaos: Chip Kelly’s Football Revolution, will be released later this month by Diversion Books of New York. Inspired by the Eaglemobile van story from last week, he submitted this piece of writing to the Crosswalk.
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Screaming Eagles and the Jamaican Spliffhawks
by Mark Saltveit
Office of Ari Emanuel, William Morris Endeavour Agency
Ari: Hit me.
Writer: It’s a kid’s show, it’s genius, it’s SCREAMING EAGLES! Scooby Doo meets the Partridge Family except GET THIS — instead of a rock band that your mom is in, it’s even cooler — an actual NFL football team, 11 slabs of beefcake who live together in a house, drive around in a white van, work out together and have adventures.
Ari: What kind of adventures?
Writer: They solve crimes, mostly domestic violence cases that the NFL can’t seem to get to the bottom of. And mysteries, like how does Jay Cutler make 25 times more than Russell Wilson, or why Dan Snyder is allowed to run a team.
And they kick ass on the football field, unless their evil opponents confound them by throwing a long pass. It’s their tragic weakness, like kryptonite.
Ari: Characters. I’m not hearing any characters.
Writer: They’re led by a super cute Latino guy named Buttfumble …
Writer: Yeah, you won’t forget that name! Killer fart jokes, of course. They’re all huge guys except one short, speedy rocked up old dude, a tiny kicker named Babyface, and a skinny magician. They have a pet Eagle named Swoop, who keeps crashing into sliding glass doors and trees, slapstick gold! This one guy named Beau wears American flag pants and has a hanging gut.
Ari: Good, good. Who’s the villain?
Writer: So many! Their dreaded nemeses, the Dallas Wifebeaters. The evil mastermind known as Deflator. A turncoat ex-Eagle named PartyBoy, who does comically bad raps. And Chris Baker.
Ari: That’s a terrible name. BORING
Writer: How about “Blindside”?
Ari: You’re losing me here. What else do they do? Romance? Hijinks?
Writer: They mostly lift weights and snap towels during plot exposition. Eat healthy. Drink a lot….
Writer: …of water to stay hydrated. They also read a lot of books on business management innovation.
Ari: Get the hell out of my office and don’t ever call me again.
Writer: Wait! Wait! I hear you. OK? Something edgier.
Uhhhm, bum bum bum bum Got it! New movie. The San Francisco 49ers, in desperation, collect all the talented football players dinged for drugs, Josh Gordon and LeVeon Bell and Johnny Manziel. They move to Kingston and become the Jamaican Spliffhawks! It’s “Dude, where’s my Jamaican Bobsled Team!”
Ari: I’m still here.
Writer: I hope so, we’re in your office.
You see, they’re outside the U.S. so the rules against marijuana don’t apply. They win all their home games by smoking out their opponents, spiking their Gatorade, etc. Hilarity ensues as confused players take brutal hits!
Ari: That’s not how the rules work.
Writer: Of course not. It’s a stoner comedy, the audience isn’t going to research it. This is pure fun trash. Carousing with sexy fans of every gender, lewd jokes about “edibles,” amazing hiphop/dancehall soundtrack. Crazy tattoos and team logos. Steal all of Cheech and Chong’s sight gags.
Ari: Where’s the conflict?
Writer: Catfights between cheerleaders and groupie fans, and then some actual football. They’re undisciplined, super talented and stylish. Trick plays, deception, amazing fakes, they’re the Gridiron Globetrotters. They don’t just run east-west. They actually line up East-West just to confuse opponents.
Then, when they make it to the Super Bowl, they have to play on the road, totally straight. What will happen?
Ari: I like it. Get me 50 pages by Monday. It’s a lot more realistic than that ludicrous Eagles movie. No real football team would do that.