Today In "Kyle's Not Going In The Ocean This Summer"
WE’VE GOT A PANIC ON OUR HANDS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!
There have been so many shark (and Portuguese Man O’ War) sightings and attacks over the past week that I’ve been putting this post off due to the staggering volume of accounts. So I see no another way to do this other than to just go by date.
June 20
A Daily Beast article about the presence of Great Whites off the coast of Cape Cod, which, yep, is straight out of the movie:
“Don’t swim in areas where there’s high concentrations of seals and sharks are likely to be spending their time.“
And even if you do somehow get bit, try not to take it personally.
“We know the sharks are not actively attacking or going after people because we just aren’t having the interactions we would have if that were the case,” he explains. “But the shark could make a mistake. It’s a wild animal. So don’t put yourself in a position where you could increase the probability of an interaction.”
…
“There’s no empirical evidence that sharks will adapt their diet to consume humans,” Skomal says, humor in his voice. “I think they could, possibly, if they would starve to death. But there’s no evidence they’d do that. You’re talking about an animal that has evolved over hundreds of millions of years in the ocean, and has become reliant on ocean prey. Can a shark adapt to feeding on humans because they see them as a readily available food source? No, I don’t believe so. I don’t think they’re hard-wired to do that.”
A-ha. A-haha. Yeah no, they’re just hanging out on East Coast beaches because of the seals, predictable weather and crystal clear blue water. Bullshit. They’re there because us fat Americans are meaty, juicy delicacies. Have you not eaten an Italian from Jersey before? Delicious!
June 26
MAN BITTEN BY SHARK WHILE TRYING TO PROTECT CHILDREN FROM SAME CRAZED SHARK:
Video. Beachgoers say they’re “terrified.” So am I, beachgoers. So am I.
June 28
A 17-year-old boy is in critical condition after he was apparently attacked by a shark in the ocean off North Carolina’s Outer Banks Saturday, just 14 miles from the site of another suspected shark attack a day earlier, officials said.
The teen was swimming at a beach on the Cape Hatteras National Seashore near Waves at about 4 p.m. when he was apparently bitten by a shark and injured on his calf, buttocks and both hands, according to a statement from the National Park Service.
The boy’s condition has improved. But sources say he’ll remain butthurt for a long, long time.
Also June 28
Avalon? Don’t they know life’s inconveniences have no place in Avalon?
Today
Accuweather’s Kevin France on the prevalence of Portuguese Man O’ War Deaths in New Jersey:
Winds and the Gulf Stream current are the likely catalysts behind strange jellyfishlike creatures, Man O’ War, popping up on East Coast beaches over the past several weeks.
Known as the Portuguese Man O’ War, these large, colorful venomous animals are often confused for a jellyfish, but they are actually part of a group related to jellyfish called siphonophores. They can grow up to 1 foot long and 5 inches wide and their tentacles can stretch as long as 165 feet, according to National Geographic.
…
The diet of the Portuguese Man’ O War is composed of small fish and crustaceans with their long contractile tentacles paralyzing their prey. These creatures may seem very attractive to look at while they are lying on the sand, but if humans come into direct contact with a Portuguese Man O’ War their sting can be fatal even when they appear to be dead.
“Symptoms are usually localized (pain where contact was made), but in some cases there can be muscle and joint aches, or even confusion and respiratory distress,” Landau said. “In extreme cases, a victim may go into shock, which in deep water will lead to drowning.”
GTFO with your 165-foot tentacles!!!!!
Also today
A 68-year-old man was pulled under the water by a shark Wednesday in the Outer Banks — this time on Ocracoke Island.
The man was swimming outside the first breaker about 25 feet offshore, directly in front of the lifeguard stand, when he encountered a gray shark about 7 feet long, Hyde County officials said. A lifeguard saw the shark pull the man under the water. He suffered several bites to his rib cage, hip, lower leg and both hands.
A witness told CNN he saw a “trail of blood from water to the sand.”
So rare, that North Carolina official said last week. So rare that sharks have now counted almost as many victims off the coast of North Carolina in the last month (7) as Phillies outfielders have home runs this season (9). I figure that by the end of the weekend, the sharks will lead this completely made up contest. EVERYONE PANIC:
https://vine.co/v/e1A1qdvOVe3
Join me this summer for my dune party, which, if I keep talking about it, is going to have to become a real thing.
H/T to my landlocked friends Caitlin, Johnny, Bret, Fitch, and others who have sent in accounts of the dangerous beasts swimming among us… well, not “us,” but the idiots dumb enough to go in the ocean this summer
