Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

They’re making their way up the coast.

1) Yet another child was bitten by a dangerous, man-eating beast off the coast of Carolina (top-22 Buffett song, by the way) yesterday. From ABC News:

An 8-year-old boy was injured after apparently being bitten by a shark today in Surf City, North Carolina — at least the third recent incident on the state’s coastline, according to police.

The boy, whose name has not been released, suffered “minor leg and foot injuries” from what appeared to be a “small shark bite,” the Surf City Police Department told ABC News.

“The wounds were superficial and not considered serious,” police said, “but Surf City Police and Pender East EMS responded and provided on scene treatment.”

Today’s attack comes less than two weeks after attacks just 65 miles away in Oak Island, NC that left a teen and 12-year-old with amputated limbs and another that left a 10-year-old boy injured in central Florida.

“I believe he’s back home or back at the place they were in vacation and generally in pretty good shape,” Surf City Town Manager Larry Bergman told ABC News today, “so they just wanted to make sure it got cleaned out and checked.”

He added that shark attacks are “so rare” and there are a lot of people enjoying the beach.

“The town’s open for business, and we’re doing all we can to make sure people are safe while they’re here,” Bergman said. He added that the whole beach was never officially cleared and that police probably just informally cleared the immediate area near where the boy was bitten.

So rare that he’s the third kid who’s donated a portion of his flesh to a hungry shark, in the state, in just the last 10 days or so. Town Manager Bergman better get things under control or he’s gonna have a panic on his hands on the Fourth of July.

2) This picture is going around– I’m dubious about its legitimacy. It was posted on Facebook by a Virginia Beach hairdresser (perhaps the least reliable descriptor possible for an American on Facebook) on Tuesday:

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I’m skeptical. But out of an abundance of caution, I’m going to remain safely on the soft sand until further notice.

3) Ocean City, Maryland:

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Can’t embed the video, but woman posted it from 30th Street in Ocean City, Maryland. Bum, bum.

4) Oh hey, remember that scary-looking-but-totally-vegetarian fish found in a New Jersey pond the other day? This one:

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pic via 6 ABC

Well, though they might not be carnivores in the… traditional sense of the word, it turns out these docile creatures, sometimes used as pets in children’s fish tanks, are TESTICLE-EATING MONSTERS! From the Daily Mail, which plays everything straight and never sensationalizes:

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A father and son fishing at a New Jersey lake may be lucky their bodies still have all their pieces after catching a fish called ‘the Nutcracker’ that is more commonly seen in the Amazon.

Ron Rossi, from the Philadelphia suburb of Delran, was out with his son Frank at a man-made body of water when they hooked what they thought was a piranha.

However, the rare species in Swedes Lake was actually a pacu, an omnivorous fish native to Brazil that has human-like teeth and has been reported to eat the testicles of swimmers and fishermen.

GAH! They maim for sport, not out of necessity! That’s soooo much worse. Like, I can respect a fish that wants to eat me because it’s hungry. Food chain and all. You just gotta tip your cap. But one that wants to clamp off my balls out of sheer joy or because it likes the salty texture? That’s some Patrick Bateman shit right there. Next thing you know they’re gonna find one of these guys swimming around with a live chainsaw:

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How are the Poconos this time of year?

H/T to reader Jim, (@Darth_Doug), (@YoWillieM) and (@sandshark401)– is he kidding me with that handle?!


10 Responses

  1. C’mon in Kyle, the water’s great!

    Don’t eat Chipotle before you do though, ok? Don’t like that stuff and it makes my shark farts extra nasty.

  2. You missed the one about the hammerhead shark that washed up on 53rd street in Ocean City, MD yesterday. Oh so glad I am not going to the beach this summer!!

  3. We are OMNIVORES!!!! We eat both vegetation and meat. Like people do. See the tooth resemblance? I will bite your nipples right off too. MMMMM Nipples….

  4. Kyle, you may want to invest in a $35 shark shocker bracelet so you can stop being such a snatch

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