Why The Eagles Suck, 2015 Edition

Photo Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports
Photo Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

It’s the Eagles’ turn in Drew Magary’s annual roundup of why every team in the NFL sucks. Last year’s breakdown was pretty good, but Magary stepped it up this season. To be fair, he’s got more to work with:

“This offseason, Kelly was handed full control over the Eagles roster and promptly nuked it into oblivion. I have a 3-year-old child, and the remarkable thing about a 3-year-old is not that they make a huge mess, but that they can make a mess so QUICKLY. Just a wave of my son’s arm and an entire train set will be in shambles on the floor. That’s what Chip Kelly has done to the Eagles. It took just one offseason for him to turn the entire organization into a game of 52-card pickup. HE NEARLY TRADED FOR DION JORDAN! This man has gone mad from syphilis.”

But it’s not all about the coach, there’s a lot on the QBs as well:

“You’re not gonna believe this, but the Eagles say Bradford “looks great” in practice this summer. He’s so sharp! Why, I bet he’s feels healthier than he’s ever felt! He’s really ready this time, guys! Nothing is gonna stop him from…

******AS WE SPEAK BRADFORD IS STRUCK BY AN ONCOMING CSX FREIGHT TRAIN******

Aw, man! And he was doing so well …

I dare you to explain how fucked up the Eagles are to a WIP caller. You will be covered in chocolatey saliva within three minutes. #TrustTheProcess. Beneath their asshole facade, these are the most gullible fans in America. Say the word “metrics” to them and you’ll buy yourself an extra 10 years of employment. God, Philly fans are fucking morons.”

Actually, mention of “metrics” in most cases around these parts will get you called a nerd and how you don’t have a “football mind” because you “never played sports.” Other than that, he’s spot on.

There’s more, including letters from Eagles fans who have given up, over here.

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23 Responses

  1. fan of deadspins writing but just felt like this was forced and not as funny as it could be.

    ive read Facebook posts funnier than this article.

    also, he wrote Boykin was cut by the Eagles, wrong.

    points for not mentioning Santa, Batteries, Stadium Jail or Pukemon though.

  2. The “Why Your Team Sucks” previews are usually great. However, I was expecting much better out of Magary for the Eagles edition.

    Last year’s was much funnier and I laughed at maybe parts of two of the fans comments.

  3. “Beneath their asshole facade, these are the most gullible fans in America. ”

    Truer words were NEVER spoken about Eagles fans. Bunch of Charlie Browns trying to kick the ball as Lucy Lurie holds it for them.

  4. So Jim and Kyle’s copy/paste have gotten so lazy that they aren’t even hiding them anymore. Brilliant!

  5. Reading the fan submitted emails is classic Phillydom; self-admission of all the terrible things Eagle fans do that build to the national stereotype of ‘typical philly fans’ that then upsets said self-admitted Eagle fans. The irony can’t get any thicker!

  6. I got some ideas to steal from this since you guys just steal from Deadspin anyway.

    1. Why Crossing Broad sucks – really just for the comments

    2. Why Josh Innes sucks – fat jokes and mean spirited comments about him being a fat slob, a Howard Stern copying, a Reeeah Hewes banging … fat slob.

    3. Why Mike Miss sucks – hair dye jokes, alt music jokes, general knowledge jokes. Hey the masterful General Knowledge Wednesday Call dude can cook up something special.

    1. I love this self-perpetuating idea that the comment section is the real reason this site is successful. The CB comment section is a cesspool of trolling, bigotry, and worthless shit. There is only the occasional handful of comments that are funny or worth reading. Most of the time if I find myself reading through all of them I feel like someone just injected a bunch of stupid into my godamn brain. Especially those Bob comment chains. Holy shit, people. We’re better than that.

      1. “Holy shit, people. We’re better than that.”

        That’s the thing: Philly fans AREN’T better than that. But look at it this way, you can put your trophy for Whitest Team in the NFL right next to all the trophies for being the most under the salary cap.

        Fucking losers.

  7. The problem is the WIP mentality and the ‘in-the -know’ garbage that passes as gospel.
    Listeners become experts and espouse that crap to their fellow listener pals and the world is a better place. It is even more evident in New England where Tom Brady is god.

  8. f-face magary roots for the pile of garbage childbeaters…I mean purple people eaters……so his opinion is worthless….and this article wasn’t even funny….how fucking dumb does magary sound when he says riley racist is our best wide receiver…..doouuuuuuche

  9. blah blah blah mouth breathers blah blah fuck that guy….The your team sucks thing is so stupid they are all fake comments from the fans if you read them from all the teams you can tell the same person writes all of them

    1. Deadspin is for the lowest form of “fans” that don’t know anything about sports except what other people tell them.

  10. Dear Eagles SHEEEEEEEEEEEEP..I hope you enjoyed the dual practices with a REAL team and REAL SUPER BOWL WINNING QB. Meanwhile, we continue to try to trick everyone with C0cksucker Chip, a still injured BradFRAUD, Dirty Sanchez and Jesus fucking Tebow…
    Oh yeah—just continue to give me your money…..FUCK OFF

  11. This is actually a problem with most sports fans across the country, they are what I call ‘at the moment’ fans.

    Whatever is literally happening at the moment, that’s how they feel about a player or their team. They never take a step back and look at the bigger.

    If the Eagles win one week then the fans are talking Superbowl, and if they lose they are ready to jump off a bridge.

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