It’s the Eagles’ turn in Drew Magary’s annual roundup of why every team in the NFL sucks. Last year’s breakdown was pretty good, but Magary stepped it up this season. To be fair, he’s got more to work with:
“This offseason, Kelly was handed full control over the Eagles roster and promptly nuked it into oblivion. I have a 3-year-old child, and the remarkable thing about a 3-year-old is not that they make a huge mess, but that they can make a mess so QUICKLY. Just a wave of my son’s arm and an entire train set will be in shambles on the floor. That’s what Chip Kelly has done to the Eagles. It took just one offseason for him to turn the entire organization into a game of 52-card pickup. HE NEARLY TRADED FOR DION JORDAN! This man has gone mad from syphilis.”
But it’s not all about the coach, there’s a lot on the QBs as well:
“You’re not gonna believe this, but the Eagles say Bradford “looks great” in practice this summer. He’s so sharp! Why, I bet he’s feels healthier than he’s ever felt! He’s really ready this time, guys! Nothing is gonna stop him from…
******AS WE SPEAK BRADFORD IS STRUCK BY AN ONCOMING CSX FREIGHT TRAIN******
Aw, man! And he was doing so well …
I dare you to explain how fucked up the Eagles are to a WIP caller. You will be covered in chocolatey saliva within three minutes. #TrustTheProcess. Beneath their asshole facade, these are the most gullible fans in America. Say the word “metrics” to them and you’ll buy yourself an extra 10 years of employment. God, Philly fans are fucking morons.”
Actually, mention of “metrics” in most cases around these parts will get you called a nerd and how you don’t have a “football mind” because you “never played sports.” Other than that, he’s spot on.
There’s more, including letters from Eagles fans who have given up, over here.