So do you want the gooooooood news, or do you want the baaaaaaaaaaad news?

Let’s start with the good news, because the bad news might take a while.

Good news: The Cowboys are the “best” team in the division and are now missing their quarterback, top wide receiver, and league-leading running back from last year. The Redskins exist. So do the Giants. This is the most overcomable 0-2 start ever.

Bad news: The Eagles look like they, for lack of a better term, stink.

If we were to use a bird analogy, it could be said that Chip Kelly, during his weekly call-in to the WIP Morning Show this morning, sounded like a baby bird who fell out of a nest and doesn’t have his wings yet. He was alive(?), but resigned to just moving his mouth in token patterns, knowing full-well that the shot of his team taking flight anytime soon is a long one. If Mama NFC East wants to swoop by and drop a Tony Romo broken collarbone or another Giants collapse into his beak, he’ll take it. But it’ll do nothing to get his team off the ground.

Seriously, Chip sounded alarming resigned and answer-less this morning. That’s concerning.

Other things that are concerning (settle in here):

 

Damning quotes

“The question is are these guards good enough.” – Joe Buck

“This has been about as poor performance as I can recall seeing in this league.” – Troy Aikman

Buck and Aikman are not the sort of broadcasters to throw out sweeping statements just for the hell of it. They see the best teams in the NFC on a weekly basis, and when you consider that these were just two of many alarming quotes about an Eagles team that two weeks ago was favored by some to win the Super Bowl, it’s verification that the 0-2 start goes much deeper than the plausible scenario of simply losing two games to two good teams in consecutive weeks. There are losses, and then there are embarrassments. The Cowboys game, at least, was an embarrassment.

 

If Allen Barbre is good, I don’t want to be bad

It’s interesting to see the process of (former) front office executives following an awful loss like this. Joe Banner went directly to Pro Football Focus, which found that, somewhat incredibly, Allen Barbre and Andrew Gardner were, somehow, not the worst Eagles linemen… but actually the best.

I don’t have access to the full list, but here’s how PFF explained some of the issues:

The Eagles run game, or lack thereof, is a very real issue. The problem isn’t talent; it’s that the Cowboys knew exactly what was coming. The Eagles have run almost the same handful of running plays ever since Chip Kelly got there in 2013 and after seeing it four times the Cowboys had learned how to combat it. Dallas overloaded to the strong side of the formation, and the Eagles line had little chance against the fronts they saw. Two of their worst runs weren’t even the offensive line’s fault, actually, and were the result of whiffs from tight end Brent Celek (-4.6).

One might read that first part as: Chip Kelly has been figured out. But, it’s not the coach’s fault when Jason Kelce, whom I praised last week, gets absolutely smoked off the line.

It’s easy to get by on simple running schemes when you have a superior front, like the Eagles did in 2013 and in fits and starts last year. But the chutzpah of Chipper to walk away from Todd Herremans and Evan Mathis and replace them with the likes of Barbre and Gardner is seriously calling into question whether it’s just Culture that wins football, or if it’s talent, too… regardless of what PFF says about specific performances yesterday.

 

See what happens when they get some space

Photo credit: James Lang-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: James Lang-USA TODAY Sports

It’s hard to fault DeMarco Murray for this stat line:

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There’s not hitting the hole and the failure to compensate for a missed block or two, and then there’s being gang-tackled in the backfield because your offensive line is offensive to your existence. It’s really hard to blame Murray for four-yard losses. As we can see by the jump here, he’s a ++ talent currently trapped behind a garbage dump.

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Seeing Murray rant and rave over the poor blocking performance, on the field and sidelines, was curiously refreshing, especially when you consider that…

 

Sam Bradford looks like frightened turtle

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I noted this in the preseason and since, but Sam Bradford does anything but inspire confidence. I’m all for an aw-shucks-y demeanor if it’s accompanied by a killer instinct (think Madison Bumgarner circa the World Series last year). But Bradford’s gee-whiz, Dude, Where’s My Car?-ery is not what you want out of an NFL quarterback. It was more than mildly concerning when Bradford was huffily upset during the press conference following the Terrell Suggs hit – which, really, wasn’t that bad – and now that we’ve had a chance to see his struggle face – which consists of a motionless mouth and googly eyes, typically accompanied by hands being thrown in the air in the spirit of George Costanza lamenting his own existence – I’m not feeling any better about Bradford’s intestinal fortitude. I mean, this screenshot would be hilarious if it wasn’t how Bradford always looked:

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Bradford makes Cable Eli Manning seem downright inspiring:

Voila_Capture 2015-09-21_09-10-40_AMVoila_Capture 2015-09-21_09-08-41_AMpics via (@TheMightyEROCK)

OK, maybe not.

But not only does Bradford look pathetic, he’s playing pathetic. For a guy who’s supposed to be so accurate and sharp, he misses wide open receivers, makes bad decisions, tries to jam the ball into tight spots (yet again resulting in a backbreaking tipped interception– perhaps not totally his fault), all this on top of having no command of his offense. And, you know, this pass:

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And Byron Maxwell thinking it’s funny

pic via (@markmeany)

pic via (@markmeany)

It would be real Philadelphia of me to jump all over Byron Maxwell for dealing with his struggles in such a nonchalant way. But his tone-deaf-ed-ness in his reactions to adversity, which yesterday included getting SMOKED by Terrance Williams, is annoying. From Reuben Frank:

“He just got inside of me. We were on the field all day, he got inside of me, I couldn’t really explode.

“I didn’t feel tired, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get to him.”

The Cowboys were on the field for 40½ minutes Sunday night (see 10 observations), and Maxwell never left the field.

But this was Brandon Weeden and Terrance Williams. Not Romo and Dez.

“You’re a human being, you get tired as the game goes on,” Maxwell said. “That’s how it goes.”

It goes better when you have a $63 million contract.

 

Kiko

If Kiko Alonso turns out to be seriously hurt, that will be seriously bad for the Eagles, who got Alonso anticipating him being a longtime stud linebacker. Two ACLs in two years puts that one in doubt. #SamBradford

 

Pants

Pictures flowing in:

 

Dan Bailey

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What in the actual F was Dan Bailey thinking when he grabbed DeMarco Murray? Things got exciting for a little while, and had DeMarco’s leap followed by Bailey’s grab proved to be the turning point of the game (spoiler: it wasn’t), we’d be talking about this for years to come. I love when a kicker is to blame for a hilarious collapse. The best subplot of that DeSean Jaccson return against the Giants a few years back, besides Tom Coughlin throwing his gear down like a petulant child who thought it was pizza day at school only to learn it was meatloaf day, was being able to laugh at Matt Dodge. We could’ve laughed at Dan Bailey for this had things gone south for the Cowboys. Alas.

 

Maybe the worst series in Eagles history

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Play 1: A COMPLETED PASS!

Play 2: Six-yard loss.

Play 3: Five-yard loss.

Play 4: 11-yard dump-down on 3rd and 21.

Play 5: BLOCKED PUNT RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWN, PUNTER IS KILLED:

And somehow this wasn't an illegal block

And somehow this wasn’t an illegal block

Here’s how referee Tony Corrente explained that play: “There is no foul for a blindside block. The block was shoulder into the chest of the quarterback, therefore no penalty. The result of the play: touchdown.”

There are so many things wrong with that statement.

 

Pure ineptitude

Other examples of the Eagles patheticery:

  1. They actually should’ve been offsides on the ridiculous snap-fumble play, therefore negating the fumble. The refs missed that one. Not sure if we should feel better or worse about this.
  2. Sam Bradford taking a snap, stumbling, falling to the ground, and throwing to Riley Cooper three yards behind the line of scrimmage. Cooper was immediately destroyed.
  3. An 8-yard onsides kick.

 

We can all take solace in this

 

Or this

 

Saw a lot of this at the end of the Andy Reid era

 

The vibe

David Murphy writes about the scene in the locker room after the game:

The most telling thing was the befuddlement. It wasn’t reticence. It was genuine. One by one, they stood at their lockers and shook their heads and admitted that they didn’t really know what to say. The only answer they could provide was the one that everybody already knew: That they did not have one. That, after 60 minutes of some of the most dreadful offensive football you will ever see out of an NFL team with playoff aspirations, they still had not figured out where it was going wrong.

I see the room is responding well to Sam Bradford’s leadership.

 

Awards!

Jimmy Kempski hands out his Cinderblock Hands award:

This award was won last week by Malcolm Jenkins. This week, take your pick of Eagles receivers who dropped passes. Jordan Matthews had two drops a week after a his drop ended the game. Riley Cooper got open (shocker) past Morris Claiborne, and he couldn’t help but continue to be useless. Drop. And a Zach Ertz drop led to a Cowboys pick that essentially sealed the game. Awful. I would draw the Eagles’ receivers with cinderblock hands, but frankly, it’s not even worth it.

Derp.

 

Les incompetent

Peter King:

2. Incompetent Eagles. How is it possible that nothing works right for a Chip Kelly offense? I mean, nothing? The second-most efficient running team in the league over the past two years is dead last running now, despite a huge commitment to it in the off-season. There is no more stunning statistic after two weeks than this one: 2014 rushing champion DeMarco Murray has rushed 21 times for 11 yards. The sacrificing of Evan Mathis and Todd Herremans on the offensive line has wounded the running game, and the inability of Sam Bradford, who looked absolutely incapable against Dallas on Sunday (first seven Eagle drives: 9, 6, 0, 2, 4, 12 and 0 yards) is something Kelly has to fix right now. Why? The next two defenses they face (at Jets, at Washington) bring pressure as much as Dallas.

Fun.

 

10 observations

Reuben Frank:

I’ll start here: It is simply inexcusable for an NFL offense to be this unprepared, this out of sync, this unproductive, this pathetic, and the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Kelly. This wasn’t bad offense, this was a joke. A disgrace. A flat-out embarrassment. It looked like this group of players had never played together, had never practiced together, had never even met each other. The Eagles were never this bad offensively under Andy Reid. Even with Mike McMahon and Doug Pederson at quarterback. Kelly is no longer an NFL newcomer. This was his 35th game as an NFL head coach, and for the Eagles to put out this product on offense in their own stadium against a team racked by injuries is deeply disturbing. How do you gain 21 yards in a half? How do you average 3.3 inches per rush? How do insult your fans with this kind of performance? Inexcusable.

Probably could’ve stopped there.