Lunatic Conspiracy Theorist Also Thinks the Eagles Will Be in the Super Bowl, Here Are Five Crazy-Ass Reasons Why
“Go check out if there are any good YouTube hype videos on the Eagles,” Kyle said. What he did not say is “find the greatest 13-minute, completely insane, football-is-rigged, Eagles-in-the-Super-Bowl conspiracy theory.”
But I did anyway.
Using Gematria numbers – basically an “Assyro-Babylonian system of numerology later adopted into Jewish culture that assigns numerical value to a word or phrase in the belief that words or phrases with identical numerical values bear some relation to each other,” nicely summed up Wikipedia, or, bullshit for bullshitters – this dude connects Philadelphia, the Bible, Sam Bradford, Chip Kelly, the Santa who got snowballs thrown at him, Frank Gore, and a whole bunch more nonsense to prove the Eagles are making the rigged Super Bowl this year.
Bradford’s “Fake” Injury (8:22)
“Notice that Sam Bradford has those S.B. initials like Super Bowl,” is a real thing said in this otherwise purposely convoluted video by Zachary K. Hubbard. But it’s not just Bradford’s initials or post-game pull quotes (more on that later), it’s his “fake” injury history.
Chip Kelly (whose initials are the third and 11th letters in the alphabet, respectively) traded for Sam Bradford on March 11th, or 3/11, according to this video (actually the 10th, but who’s keeping track?). But Bradford wasn’t able to be acquired because of a previous injury, oh no. That injury, according to the video’s creator, was faked because of … reasons? He doesn’t really get into why, but of course, as he says earlier, “none of this is a coincidence, they’re all masonic tributes, this is what this league is all about.” Yep.
Frank Olivo, the Santa Pelted by Snowballs (10:08)
“Check this out if you’re not convinced yet,” says Hubbard, like this is really going to nail it down. Frank Olivo, the Santa pelted with snowballs in 1968, died this offseason. 68 is meaningful because “caskets go six feet down and are eight feet long,” Hubbard says. CONVINCED YET? Oh, how about how Olivo’s name has the same Gematria as the word “conspiracy.” You there yet SHEEPLE? This should do it: Olivo died at 66, and “Philadelphia” comes from the Book of Revelation, the 66th book in the Bible, and NFL’s Gematria is “66,” and it’s run by the “Synagogue of Satan.” BOOM. Pick your jaw up off the floor now.
Seriously though, I think this dude is saying the NFL assassinated that old Santa, which, I suppose, wouldn’t be outside the purview of Roger Goodell.
11 Years and One Day since Super Bowl 39 (3:51)
In perhaps the most “someone make sure this guy is on his meds” part of the whole video – which is high praise – he points out that the upcoming Super Bowl 50 is 11 years and one day from the last Super Bowl the Eagles played in, Super Bowl 39. But what does 111 mean? Well, it’s the one Gematria for Santa Claus (above) and the numbers in ONE PULL QUOTE from Sam Bradford used in ONE ARTICLE – “I found a rhythm tonight” – add up to 111. So there that is. Get the net.
Amtrak
This is where your regular, run-of-the-mill conspiracy people and this guy overlap. In 2001, only a month and a half after 9/11, the Yankees were in the World Series (they lost). When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, the Saints were a nightmare. They turned it around, quickly, in the following years and won the Super Bowl only four years later. Six months after the Boston Marathon bombing, the Red Sox won the World Series. Sometimes it takes a while, but it seems like national tragedies are sometimes followed up by championships for the cities they effect.
That could be karma, coincidence, or some string pulling. But disembodied voice friend here says the Eagles would be the chosen ones this year because of the Amtrak derailment back in May.
The Comments
That’s where all the craziest of the crazies are, right guys?
Also there’s a whole bit on Frank Gore but I can’t even wrap my head around this nonsense. I’m done.
…
Just to test the system out, I ran Crossing Broad through the Gematria finder.
Other things that match some of CB’s Gematria numbers?
- Albert Einstein
- Superman
- Dental Damage of Satan
- Honey Mouth
- Scientology
- Geezer Butler
But that’s not saying it’s all nonsense. For example, Chip Kelly shares Gematria numbers with “System” and “Philadelphia” and “Sex Machine.” So it could all be bulletproof. (My name is the same as “Rihanna” and “Spark,” so don’t tell Joel Embiid). Still, too much batshit crazy for me.