Bird Droppings: Got It Where It Counts, Kid

The 2015 Eagles

George Lucas said he wanted the world in Star Wars to looked used, lived in. Too many science fiction movies had depicted pristine futuristic locales. Lucas’ story took place a long, long time ago. He wanted the world to look grimy, almost dirty.

Well, I’m sure he’s happy today, as the trailer for the seventh film in his sold-off-to-Disney series debuted during what was a gross, filthy contest between squads wearing light and dark, and jousting for a murky W. If the Monday Night Football game were a scene in Star Wars, the Eagles and Giants would’ve been stuck in the giant trash compactor on the Death Star. Both were in danger of getting squashed between the icky walls of awfulness, but, thankfully, the Birds were rescued by an R2-S8 droid, while Eli Manning… well, he was unable to save the Princess and was flattened between two walls curiously resembling Fletcher Cox and Vinny Curry.

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My Star Wars analogies and puns are only beginning. I have GIFs, screen grabs, videos, and stats, too. Let’s get to the Droppings! I haven’t slept, and this took forever, so just assume there will be typos.

 

“Sam Bradford and the slow-starting Eagles offense hits the field.”

This is how Mike Tirico teased the first appearance of the, um, vaunted(?) Eagles offense. Indeed he was correct. Their first drive, as is typical this season, was a three-and-out and lasted all of 30 seconds (!!!).

Chip Kelly, if he uses a script, may want to trash it and turn the directing duties over to J.J. Abrams. At least the latter will just run the damn ball a few times and won’t try to cram unnecessary CGI in the form of Sam Bradford mis-throwing a wheel route on the second play from scrimmage:

I’ve written previously that this play was unstoppable. I was wrong. It can be stopped… if Bradford throws the fucking ball out of bounds!

 

Game-turning plays

Somewhere, there exists a series of spinoffs and expanded universe material detailing each of the bonehead plays – from both sides – that nearly cost each team the game. Like, I fully expect there to be an entire trilogy dedicated to how on planet Coughlin the Giants could have a potential safety negated by having 12 men on the field, or the backstory to Eli Manning’s thinking when he threw across the line inside his own 20:

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PICK 6. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

But those were just the tip of the Hoth iceberg. There was this unfortunate series of turnovers– two by the Giants, one by the Eagles:

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There was Bradford and Murray muffing a handoff, and Josh Huff in an illegal formation.

There was the Giants pulling off the always-hilarious running into the kicker to reboot an Eagles drive, leading to a touchdown:

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There was the drive-extending roughing the passer play by Giants “one-dimensional pass rusher” (according to Jon Gruden) Damontre Moore, who gets our Jar Jar Binks award for completely ruining the first episode for his team. It also led to an Eagles touchdown:

bradford hit optomized

In all, between both teams, there were 21 penalties totaling around 160 yards… and that’s without factoring in the game-changing nature of the Giants’ blunders. Man, in a contest where the focus was on Cox, there sure were a lot of boners.

 

Mufasa

One turnover, Eli Manning’s first interception, was less of a blunder and more of an incredible play by DeMeco Ryans:

demeco optomized

Huge turning point. The Giants were driving for the second time in a row, and about to go up 14-0 before the Eagles could even get started with their iffy offense. Then Ryans picks it, the Giants take a dumb penalty on third down on the ensuing drive, and the Eagles take advantage. Game changed.

I know Disney owns the series now, but not sure how purists are going to feel about them inserting Lion King characters into Star Wars:

Can’t imagine he’ll get along too well with Chewie.

 

Sam Bradford

Deer-in-star-lights Bradford and his big dumb eyes get our Admiral Ackbar award for having big dumb eyes, or, as eloquently described by Philly native Tonight Show writer Luke Cunningham:

Unfortunately, Bradford couldn’t see the trap coming and kept leading his troops into certain danger. He does this several times per game– nearly getting his receivers decapitated. Look at this:

matthews1 optomized
huff optomized

Put that thing away, Sammy– you’re gonna get us all killed!

And those are just the ones that don’t fly into the rebels’ hands. Three interceptions:

bradford int3 optomized
bradford int optomized
bradford int again optomized

Gross.

Bradford played well against the Saints, but the Eagles won despite him last night. Not shown here are two woefully underthrown balls to Jordan Matthews, who already has a problem hanging onto the rock. Bradford regressed last night, against a mediocre Giants defense, at home. In a win. That’s hard to do, and concerning. Through he reportedly rallied the troops (again) – this time on the sidelines and thankfully not in the shower – that doesn’t make up for being picked four times in the red zone this season— the most in the NFL, and a problem spot for the Eagles last year that may have led to Nick Foles getting shipped off to the Rams. Ergo, Chip trading for Bradford is like if Luke’s uncle bought utility droids and, rather than helping, they wound up getting him killed… oh, wait. Shit. The Bradford era:

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I give Bradford 0.8 headlights this game.

 

Jason Kelce

Who knew this Tweet would become so prescient:

Penalty, mis-timed snap count, bad snap:

For real, what’s wrong with him?

 

DeMarco Murray

Easily his best game as an Eagle. 109 rushing yards, touchdown, looked faster and healthier. Carried the load at the end of the game when they needed him:

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He seems to be learning the ways of Chip’s force… or his hamstring is better.

One of the best analyses of his struggles so far came from the always-great Gruden, who plainly diagramed how, running out of the I- formation, with the Cowboys, Murray was able to gather a head of steam into the line. With the Eagles, he gets the ball in the backfield out of the shotgun and his first step is typically a lateral one. I haven’t bought into this shotgun theory about Murray’s struggles, but what Gruden said made sense.

Of course, there’s this, too:

Also, the Eagles stuck with the run last night, as predicted by Mark Saltveit. 37 runs, 38 passes, 10 running first downs, 11 passing first downs. Balanced.

 

Defense

This stat is telling. As Mark put it in his excellent recap, the Eagles are like Broncos light– a team thought to be an offensive force, but really their strength is defense. Cox is all over the place. The cornerbacks are… good. Malcolm Jenkins is a monster. And they’re missing Kiko Alonso and Mychal Kendricks, and now maybe even Mufasa, and they’re still dominating.

 

Bad clock management

Like Lucas spending 30 full minutes on trade negotiations on Tatooine, the Eagles didn’t use their time wisely at the end of the second quarter. Inexplicably, Chip Kelly, who received the gift of about seven extra seconds (which Mike Tirico was positively freaking out about) due to clock “error,” opted not to use a timeout after a first down at the Giants’ 20 with 28 seconds to go before halftime. Rather, he wasted nine more seconds until Bradford could spike the ball. And then Bradford, incredibly, took a sack with under 10 seconds remaining, forcing the Eagles to kick a field goal when a touchdown was well within the cards. Not even a sweet pod race could’ve saved this sequence.

 

Star Wars trailer

Sure, why not:

I can only imagine the blind rage from non-football nerds wondering who in the hell that talkative fat guy was delaying their trailer. This contrasts with how football nerds feel about Berman: Why in the hell is the talkative fat guy delaying my football? Mesahthinks Berman demanded to be on-air and throw it to Tirico before the trailer, just so he could feel like he was still relevant.

 

Manning face

Manning intentional grounding penalties are my favorite:

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But Manning Face is nowhere near as good as:

 

Coughlin face

I’m honestly surprised he made it through that dreck without throwing anything, especially when you consider his dumb:

 

4th and 1 play call

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Run to the outside with under a yard to go on the 40, in the first quarter.

 

Hankins

 

I would give anything for this Raccoon to be named Rocky

He just wanted to watch the game… but he was declared part of the Rebel alliance and a traitor, and they took him away.

 

 

Fans

 

Eskin makeup

It appears Howard Eskin made up with the Giants exec who called him an asshole just hours earlier.

 

Other Tweets

Hmm. Intrigued, I am.

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36 Comments

    • Ron Mexico October 20, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      Nice post Kyle, but the only thing that struck me as interesting is the fact that you chose to grab a tweet from that idiot EROCK. Isn’t that the same douchebag that filmed his personal montage while walking out of an Eagles game a couple weeks ago? Can’t we just ignore that tool and hope he goes away?

      Reply
      • jim adair October 20, 2015 at 4:41 pm

        the mighty EROCK has a pretty big C0CK on him…he was up in the 300 level with me and my buddies, we were all jackin eachothers peckers off.

        Reply
        • Bleeding Green October 20, 2015 at 8:52 pm

          300 level was the place to be! I was looking to have thick ropes shot on my face! Boys were on fire.

          Reply
      • Straight to the comment section October 21, 2015 at 12:56 am

        Remember when that fraud neighbor mike picked Sam Bradford as a value pick? Sure you do, he does every week. Will that ever pan out?

        Reply
  • Michael Barkann's Escort Liasion October 20, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    Kyle, myself and 94 other people that beat you in the CB Draft Kings fantasy this week would like our free t-shirt now. How does one go about getting it?

    Reply
    • Kyle Scott October 20, 2015 at 1:27 pm

      Draft Kings will send us a list of emails and you’ll get your code, probably in the next two days.

      Reply
      • jim adair October 20, 2015 at 4:42 pm

        hey kyle, were you at the game last night? the 300 level was nuts… so many guys jackin eachother off, it was awesome

        Reply
        • used to bang kyles wife back in high school October 20, 2015 at 4:47 pm

          is it me? or is Howard Eskin packing on some extra pounds…

          Reply
          • Steve Rannazzisi October 20, 2015 at 5:04 pm

            yikes, kyle , that’s gatta sting.

            anywho, I was in the world trade center on 9-11, actually no I lied I was at home safe and I made up a story

          • final thought October 20, 2015 at 5:13 pm

            if you find Jim Norton funny, you’re an idiot

    • Chismbop October 20, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      ‘Free’ is still way too expensive.

      Reply
      • Jwas October 20, 2015 at 10:54 pm

        ya gotta pay the s&h, bro. this ain’t the chive for christs sake.

        Reply
  • The real godfather locks October 20, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    @Godfatherlocks: You want to make $$$??? You want to CRUSH THE BOOKIE??? JOIN US TODAY!

    Reply
  • Jimmy Thorpe October 20, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    This post just proved why you are far and away the better writer on this website. #FireJim.

    Reply
  • Steve Mason Elite NHL Goalie October 20, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    “This stat is telling. As Mark put it in his excellent recap, the Eagles are like Broncos light– a team thought to be an offensive force, but really their strength is defense. Cox is all over the place. The cornerbacks are… good. Malcolm Jenkins is a monster. And they’re missing Kiko Alonso and Mychal Kendricks, and now maybe even Mufasa, and they’re still dominating.”

    They’re dominating against the Saints (outdoors) the Redskins (horrid), The Giants (horrid), The Jets (Ryan Fitzpatrick as QB, ’nuff said), the Cowboys (missing Dez whole game; Romo half the game…and still got torched). Atlanta carved them up. So, slow down with your “the dominating” nonsense. Just like you should’ve slowed down with your concerns about raising an infant and blogging about a Super Bowl Championship run after watching two preseason games.

    Reply
    • Wait a minute... October 20, 2015 at 5:11 pm

      What a painful, horrid game and you, sir, are exactly right. Every game is full of “What ifs” but I will tell you that this game showed nothing. This team is bad and Bradford is not the answer.

      Reply
  • Editor October 20, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    “George Lucas said he wanted the world in Star Wars to looked used, lived in.”

    Maybe you should fire that waste Jim, and use the money to hire me.

    Reply
  • The ass man October 20, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    I saw so many chicks pissing yesterday during tailgating. Lot of hitler mustache puss hair

    Reply
  • Fetus Myrtetus October 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    SWING & a MISS by the Big man! Maybe next month!

    Reply
  • The Real Captain Obvious October 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    Do you have express written consent to edit and post clips from NFL games?

    Reply
  • TourGolf October 20, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    TourGolfRevolution.com – come play golf with people you yell at over the internet!

    Reply
  • Adam Reigner October 20, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Hey Joe Younes, you still listening to 94 WIP? Im sure you are.

    Say hello to your mother for me.

    Reply
  • Josh Innes October 20, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Anyone wanna go grab some food tonight?

    Reply
  • Bleue October 20, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    Typical Philly write-ups; following right in line with the famous Schmidt quote of ‘enjoying a victory one night and having the agony of reading about it the next day.’ Give it a rest for a change and enjoy the victory.
    Was it a perfect win? Of course not, those don’t exist in Philly land where it’s impossible to appease the masses.
    Did it count as a W? Yes. Should it be even more impressive that they dominated the last 50 minutes of that game while playing like shit? Yes it is. Should the rest of the league be worried that they are leading their division now without even coming close to putting together a full 60 minutes? Yes they should be. Is it alarming that Bradford is throwing picks? He hasn’t played at game speed for two years, has a WR corp who is either old and topped out or learning on the fly with a mash unit of an offensive line – so no, it’s not. I won’t go as far as saying it’s comforting that they’re winning at him being less than Tom-Bradyesque at this point, but it shows he’s going to get better or at least has that potential.
    But for this idiot fan group who glorifies themselves for being perennial losers but loyal anyway can’t ever look at things ‘glass-half-full’.
    They beat the Giants last night, handily at home for the 2nd year in a row, Manning face was all over the place, enough said – or it should be. Stop finding misery and enjoy the winning week.

    Reply
    • Rev. mikey miss October 20, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      Stop talking logical

      Reply
    • Sports Science October 20, 2015 at 4:56 pm

      If you think the rest of the league needs to worry about the Eagles, then I got some ‘luxury’ ellll seeee apartments to sell you

      Reply
    • Jwas October 20, 2015 at 10:58 pm

      they’ve been, “beating the giants handily,” since 2009. but the giants have a sb win during that time. so…there’s that.

      Reply
  • Andy Reid October 20, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Has anyone tried the Pork at Sweet Lucy’s?

    Reply
    • Bendu October 21, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      It so good, it’ll make you forget that your kid OD’d on H.

      Reply
  • Josh Innes October 20, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    Has Mike leaked you fake online app ratings yet? Talk about me please

    Reply
  • Jillians Ample Assets October 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Curious guys help me out. Do I love the camera more than the camera loves me?

    Reply
  • Jillians Ample Assets October 20, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    I wouldnt want to come off as vain or anything. But the camera loves me so.

    Reply
  • Brother Theodore October 20, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    I like the body language in the Eskin-Giants exec pic. The guy is in Eskin’s face and grabbing his arm and Howard is turned to the side. The conversation might be “friendly” but Howie looks intimidated.

    Reply
  • Big Buns Bilo October 20, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    Jillian you are absolutely gorgeous but yah you might be overdoing it a bit, well actually by alot.

    Reply
    • The 3 people who watch Bob October 20, 2015 at 10:08 pm

      At least she’s not as bad as that attention wh0re in KC . She’s on the right path though

      Reply

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