ESPN The Magazine‘s upcoming issue unveils their annual “Ultimate Standings” – the ranking of all major sports franchises in a number of categories. As you could probably guess, the Phillies didn’t fare well. Here’s where they fall (all rankings are out of 122):

  • Overall: 118
  • Title track (on pace to win again): T44
  • Ownership: 100
  • Coaching: 122
  • Players: 118
  • Fan relations: 119
  • Affordability: 104
  • Stadium experience: 76
  • Bang for the buck: 112
  • Change from last year: -35

Jerry Crasnick explains some of the rankings, (without just yelling “TRASH”) pointing out that the Phils are “one of only two teams to have fallen in our rankings in five straight years …[and they] have taken a staggering nosedive of 100 spots overall during that time.” That’s not pretty, but far from surprising.

“Fans labeled the Phillies the worst in sports in ‘getting the most out of the money they spend.'” Their highest ranking, stadium experience, is “largely a tribute to the Phillie Phanatic.” Yup, that’s what they got. It’s also the second-highest stadium experience of the local bunch (none cracked the top 60), and fan relations might actually just be the number of fans, since there’s no real explanation for the 4th-worst rank.

The Phils landed last in the MLB, obviously, and are only ranked higher than fellow bottom-dwellers the Nuggets, Redskins, Knicks, and Maple Leafs. And if you missed that part up top about the ranking going to 122, that means the Ryne Sandberg/Pete Mackanin managerial combo is the worst in all of professional sports (and I’d assume Ruben is lumped in there too). But that says more about turmoil than perhaps Mackanin’s skills (by all accounts he did a nice job to end the season).

How do the other local teams rank compared to the abysmal Phillies? Let’s check after the jump.


Eagles (19th in the NFL)

  • Overall: 79
  • Title track: 83
  • Ownership: 76
  • Coaching: 33
  • Players: 60
  • Fan relations: 72
  • Affordability: 89
  • Stadium experience: 85
  • Bang for the buck: 86
  • Change from last year: -10

Expectedly, the Eagles crush the Phillies in everything – except stadium experience and … title track? – but aren’t really blowing anyone out of the water otherwise. Chip Kelly’s coaching ranking is the lone top-50 ranking on the list, but Phil Sheridan points out this could have been different if the vote didn’t take place in July. The players ranking of 60 is fairly respectable, but just about everything else is completely unremarkable.

Sixers (25th in the NBA)

  • Overall: 98
  • Title track: 82
  • Ownership: 108
  • Coaching: 56
  • Players: 73
  • Fan relations: 98
  • Affordability: 63
  • Stadium experience: 100
  • Bang for the buck: 106
  • Change from last year: -5

To what do the Sixers owe their rankings? Tankings. “Sam Hinkie remains stalwart in his lose-to-win approach to basketball,” the Mag says, “taking 10 steps back in order to (hopefully) take one giant leap forward someday soon.” And those trust the process people? They must not have taken this poll:

The fans’ faith in ownership — and its ability to produce a championship — both took hits in our rankings this year, falling 19 and 15 spots, respectively … Despite a relatively respectable showing in affordability (No. 63), the Sixers’ fan cost per season increased by 6.2 percent — more than three times the NBA average. So the team’s bang for the buck? Holding strong in the sub-100s for the second straight year.

Fans are buying into the not-yet extended Brett Brown, as well, who is the only coach locally to even come close to Chip Kelly’s 33. But the big jump the team took was in the “players” category, as a year of Nerlens Noel, Robert Covington, Jerami Grant, and most importantly, Furkan Alder, inspired confidence. Oh, they also added Jahlil Okafor and jumped 25 spots.

Flyers (25th in the NHL)

  • Overall: 81
  • Title track: 70
  • Ownership: 45
  • Coaching: 95
  • Players: 74
  • Fan relations: 57
  • Affordability: 95
  • Stadium experience: 62
  • Bang for the buck: 107
  • Change from last year: -21

Here’s the big takeaway here: According to title track rank, this is the order in which your Philly teams will win titles: Phillies, Flyers, Sixers, Eagles. I’d flip that around, swap the Phillies and Sixers, and then swap the Flyers and Phillies, and then throw it all in a garbage can and light it on fire. And amazingly, of all things, ownership is the Flyers’ highest ranking. People still dig Mr. Snider I mean Mr. Ed I mean Ed, I guess. Is he still with us?

As the Flyers’ write-up explains, “after a third straight year that ended either before the postseason or in the first round, [the Flyers] sank 21 spots in our standings to 81st.”

Of course, the Phillies dropped more (and lower). Flyers fans do seem to like the Wells Fargo Center more than Sixers fans like “The Center” – a whole lot more – but their affordability ranking is in the bottom third of all teams.