So Kia has been running their Built For Football Families campaign for the all-new, highly unexciting 2016 Sorento, the car you buy if you’re too cheap to spring for a minivan. One of the spots, featuring football-playing son, supportive father, and bitch mom, has been running during NFL games the last few weeks.

Here’s a synopsis:

  • Smallish son completes game (thankfully intact!)
  • Supportive father does what fathers do and tells the kid he played great, even though he probably got like one special teams snap
  • Bitch mom says nothing and bemoans to herself about her son’s lack of athletic ability, wishes he becomes rich and famous

Look, Mom, why don’t you go out and Diane Lane in Unfaithful your family and leave dad to raise Jr. here.  You’re clearly unhappy with your suburban soccer football mom existence and have not the time nor the inclination to tell your happy-go-lucky kid who has an odd fascination with mouthpieces that he played a good game. We all know he probably didn’t. We all know he’s never going to be Tom Brady, just like you’re never going to be able to pull off the Jennifer Aniston mid-90s haircut. She’s famous, and your balding husband drives a Kia. Get over it. Just tell the kid he played a good game. But no, you won’t. You’ll sit there and pine for an ostensibly better life where your offspring becomes a dopey mack-daddy-suit-with-oversized-pocket-square-wearing Skip Bayless wannabe to appease your gold-digging tendencies, while your husband, a middle-management type (and that’s OK!), who loves you and your emotionally neglected son, puts on a smile as you sit there with bitch face wondering what life could’ve been had you married Crazy Don out of high school.

This is a bad commercial. It makes the other one in Kia’s campaign – a much better one where the crazy dad rips the participation tag off his son’s trophy and writes in “champs” – seem like a goddamned Norman Rockwell painting. Look at the YouTube comments on this:

mhuston865 2 weeks ago
It is not always realistic to “hitch your wagon to a star”. Sometimes one must make an honest and reasonable assessment about himself and his opportunities.

autismpete 1 week ago
Exactly. Kid probably sucks ass at football. And that’s okay.

Roy G Biv 1 week ago
Put your son up for adoption, you 2 poor excuses for parents. As if I needed an excuse to not buy a KIA.

Arun R. 1 week ago
And you’re driving a KIA. Who is the real failure?

Trina Graves 1 week ago
From a coaches perspective, and any young football player watching it who may not think he/ she are the greatest but love to play, HORRIBLE commercial.

All negative, until we get to the sixth and final comment, from the real-life version of Betty Draper-in-a-Kia:

Julia Lostroh 2 weeks ago
Love this commercial – time people realize this is real life with kids!!!

Julia, you suck. And so does this commercial. YOU PLAYED A GOOD GAME, KID! YOU PLAYED A GOOD GAME. Now, let’s get some ice cream.