I gotta be honest, I don’t know what to do about so many miserable, dissatisfied and bad-at-sex 22-35 year-old bros lashing out at me while projecting their most basic insecurities on an Internet message board. Oh, wait, I know what I’ll do: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, fellas, I truly do appreciate it and cherish this budding relationship. If you ever want to grow a sack and step out into the daylight, we should do a Crossing Broad tailgate or whatever and become friends.

TO THE DEFENSE! I’ll try to keep this short(er) for your fruit fly attention spans. Just kidding, I don’t pander.

ORCHESTRATOR

  • Jim Schwartz. Not Jewish, but don’t hold that against him. I haven’t been this excited about a defensive coordinator and defense in general since Jim Johnson passed away. A scheme that can regularly generate pressure and create chaos without bringing extra rushers will be a welcomed change from the just-don’t-get-burned-deep Bill Davis era. The personnel in place is best suited to be aggressive, attacking hellfires. Give them the freedom to focus on forcing the issue and dictating terms to the offense instead of vice versa.
    • Rather than list the stats for Schwartz’s units each season after he became a full-time coordinator in 2001 (including his stint as Detroit’s head coach), I’m going to hone in on two exciting trends: turnovers and sacks.
    • In those 14 seasons (he sat out from coaching in 2015), his defenses finished nine (9) times in the top half of the league and six (6) times in the top 10 in turnovers forced. His defenses finished top 10 in sacks eight (8) times, including a handful in the top 5 (all stats courtesy of pro-football-reference.com, sportingcharts.com and teamrankings.com). The 2014 Bills defense was downright dominant, and one could argue this Eagles defense is as/more talented.
    • It’s not often I do this, but I’m choosing to be optimistic — and not even cautiously, I’m talking fucking wildly. The defense’s ability to terrorize quarterbacks and cause a high rate of turnovers in the first three preseason games will carry over to the regular season. This is a bona fide studly unit with top-5 potential that should rank top 10 in total defense, points allowed, turnovers and sacks. The burden rests on the defense to be the difference between the 2016 Eagles being maybe a six-win team that forfeits a top-10 pick, or one that finishes over .500/possibly secures a playoff berth. It’s been a long time since we could all confidently invest our hopes in that facet of the team.

(SEXY) FRONT SEVEN

Defensive Tackle

  • Fletcher Cox is the most unique and best athlete in Philadelphia sports right now, bar none, and he got his well-deserved payday. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of player who will be shutting it down after cashing in. If anything, he’s only going to ramp it up. A marvel of human evolution, Cox is 6’4″, 310-plus pounds with the strength of Vince Wilfork and movement skills of Von Miller. So this is what it feels like to hit a home run on a first round pick! Hey, 35-plus year-olds, just how incredible was Jerome Brown? Is Fletch on/approaching that level? Rex Ryan said it last season, so it has to be true. He was a monster playing out of position as a two-gap end in a 3-4, now he gets to be unleashed as Schwartz’s new Ndamukong Suh at his natural 4-3 one-gap tackle spot (while moonlighting as a moveable chess piece). RIP to your offensive line, running back and quarterback.
  • Bennie Logan, who to this point in his career is most famous for a training camp moment as a rookie when he responded with “Who?” to my question if he modeled his game after Jonathan Babineaux, is the underrated glue guy of the front seven. Although he’s so frequently cited as being underrated, maybe he’s now properly rated. Logan is a force in the trenches and vital asset on the field. He’s also an even better guy off it and his deep Louisiana Cajun country accent is so damn endearing I just wanna listen to him talk forever. I hope he gets paid in the 2017 offseason and is an Eagle for life, but we’ll see how the business end of things shakes out.
  • Beau Allen and Taylor Hart are the top backups; both have been impressive in the preseason. Hart’s a guy I liked a lot going into the 2014 draft but was injured/buried his first two seasons. He’s a master technician who understands leverage and how to use his hands, with surprising strength and quickness and a motor that doesn’t stop (holy white athlete stereotypes). This new scheme suits him well. Destiny Vaeao has flashed a bunch in preseason and was looking good to for sure stick on the 53-man roster until the Eagles claimed Bruce Gaston yesterday (who had been cut by the Bears). At the very least, he’s a practice squadder.

Defensive End

  • Brandon Graham and Vinny Curry should be the starters and get a majority of playing time. Both are capable of registering double-digit sacks, but the organization’s devotion to Connor Barwin (even though he fell off precipitously last season and turns 30 in November) will ensure he sees lots of snaps at the expense of the two drafted-and-developed guys to whom they’ve recently committed long-term contracts. I thought a new coaching staff might mean Barwin didn’t automatically get pencilled in for a significant role, but his meaning to the team extends beyond the field in a big way.
  • Marcus Smith II (don’t forget the II!) is another player I liked coming out of college, but not as a 3-4 pass rusher since he could not consistently and effectively bend the edge. The Eagles panicked when their top targets were off the board and selected a player for whom they had no discernible plan. Smith has sucked something awful whenever stepping foot on the field as a pro and only ever been a fit as a 4-3 end. After two wasted seasons and being eaten alive by media and fans alike, he could get that chance elsewhere. He’s had a couple “hey, Marcus Smith just did something!” moments this preseason, but on the whole has been outplayed by journeyman Steven Means. Let’s see whether the Eagles keep both or make a roster decision between the two based on hope/prayer/delusion or merit.

Linebacker

  • Jordan Hicks is an emerging superstar and a godsend for a franchise that has so brutally whiffed on drafting linebackers for over 15 years. We saw all we needed to know how special Hicks is in a brief yet transcendent 2015 rookie season, and he’s picked up right where he left off. The 3rd- and 4th-and-1 plays he made to thwart the Colts last week were the perfect encapsulation of what he brings to the table. The only two questions: 1) Can he stay healthy and play the entire season? 2) Do the Eagles insert Schwartz-favorite Stephen Tulloch (who will no longer celebrate making routine plays) at middle linebacker and slide Hicks over to replace Mychal Kendricks at weakside? Speaking of…
  • Mychal Kendricks. Well, this is awkward. The fifth-year linebacker had his name written in ink on the depth chart, or so we thought. The groundswell surrounding Kendricks’ sinking stock started with a soft tissue injury (again) that brought his toughness into question (again) and kept him out of training camp practices and the first two preseason games. Things reached a crescendo with the confluence of Tulloch’s signing and then Kendricks remaining on the field late into the Colts game. So, what’s going on here? Kendricks is a low-IQ football player who’s constantly caught with his hand in the cookie jar but can get by because he’s propped up by extraordinary athleticism. He’s always thought he’s better than he actually is and has now added a risible sense of entitlement, despite the combination of a new coaching staff and resurfacing injury issues cannibalizing any equity he believes he may have built over the last four seasons. Mychal fucking Kendricks isn’t Jason Peters, he hasn’t earned the right to take it easy and half-ass his way through training camp. All of a sudden, he has to play in the preseason finale to retain his starting job, but it may already be too late. Kendricks will be on the team this season because of his contract; he can act like a brat and pout, or he can take a look in the mirror, respond and prove his worth.
  • I didn’t know shit about Nigel Bradham aside from the fact that he killed some British gentleman and stole his name, but early returns from watching are that he’s going to hurt people. On the football field, I mean. He scares the hell out of me, which I like, and brings that menacing physical presence. The sentiment among Bills fans was that he was an overhyped loose cannon, but I’m all about fresh starts because I have to be. Also, I sincerely hope dear old Nigel doesn’t punch any Philadelphia hotel workers — or humans, period — in the face this season.
  • Najee Goode has been hit or (mostly) miss this preseason, but is on the roster by default because of the lack of depth at linebacker, while Bryan Braman is a hybrid ‘backer/end on the fringe but a coveted special teams demon. I honestly forgot Myke Tavarres was on the team until he decided he would follow Colin Kaepernick’s example and sit during the national anthem before flip-flopping in a matter of hours after his agent told him he was an end-of-the-roster stooge who was in danger of losing his job. He’s a practice squad guy, and I expect the Eagles to sign another linebacker for the 53 after final cuts.

SECONDARY

Welcome to this 2000-2004 redux alternate reality we are living in where the Eagles secondary looks to be a team strength.

Safety

  • Malcolm Jenkins is the head honcho, and he’ll be flanked by actual NFL starting safety Rodney McLeod! No offense to Walter Thurmond III, yes offense to Nate Allen (who’s a fine backup and exceedingly nice dude). Jenkins experienced dramatic declines in performance in the second half of the last two seasons, which I’m comfortable saying had a lot to do with logging the most snaps of any defensive player in the league thanks to his tyrannical psychopath of a head coach (by the way, McLeod had the fourth-most snaps of any defensive player last season). Jenkins and McLeod are primed for big seasons and should challenge for the title as best safety duo in the league. Chris Maragos is a lock because of special teams, while Jaylen Watkins has taken to the position switch and been a pleasant revelation. Ed Reynolds is getting cut and Blake Countess is a practice squad candidate.

Cornerback

  • A muddled picture here. Nolan Carroll has been fantastic and should be the only assured starter. Schwartz desperately wants Leodis McKelvin to be the other one, but he’s shown nothing/been trash in preseason and turns 31 over the weekend. While Schwartz has a predilection for his guys (just like every coach/boss) that’s borderline concerning, he can’t ignorantly and brazenly jam a square peg into a round hole. Well, he can, but he shouldn’t. So, who’s #2? Ron Brooks (instead of nickel)? The early Jalen Mills hype vanished like a fart in the wind once real bullets started flying. Is it C.J. Smith, who they obviously like and gave an extended look with the first team against the Colts? Reports are that JaCorey Shepherd is still alive, but I’m waiting to get confirmation.
  • We all figured Eric Rowe would be a shoe-in for starter, and it’s a shame he’s become the redheaded stepchild of the group. He found his groove and was coming along nicely by the end of last season, but he’s been in the hole from the jump in 2016 and it’s clear he’s not a ideal fit at cornerback for Schwartz’s scheme. Rowe’s in a tough spot and appears firmly entrenched as a reserve for now. He’s a safety long term in this defense and hopefully remains part of the team’s future plans.

PS – Kyle’s giving me a raise for staying under 2,000 words, so suck on that.

Kyle: No I’m not. I haven’t even decided what I’m going to pay him for this post, since it was supposed to be one but turned into two– albeit two very good 2,000-ish word posts. What says you, commenters?