THAT IS THE HEADLINE I ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE! MY WHITE WHALE! MY GOLDEN GOOSE! THANK YOU, MY BLOGGING OVERLORDS! THANK YOU!

I can’t believe this whole incident has led me to #TeamLochte, but I kind of feel bad for the guy. He’s too stupid to realize that saying he was robbed would lead to genuine strife. You yell “restitution,” everybody says “huh, what?” You yell “robbery,” we’ve got a panic on our hands during the 31st Olympiad. No doubt that having a gun pointed at you in a drunken stupor and then being forced to pay money can be immediately interpreted as a robbery. You tell your mom, she tells two friends, they tell two friends, AND THEN YOU FUCKING TELL BILLY BUSH DURING AN IPHONE INTERVIEW JUST MINUTES AFTER AGREEING TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT*… and, well, now things have spiraled out of control before the hangover has even kicked in.

Let this be a lesson, kids: Never try to explain away your drunken antics until you are completely sober.

*This is maybe the most Jeah! move of all-time. From The New York Times:

Soon after the first news media reports surfaced Sunday morning of an armed assault on four American swimmers, the athletes were interviewed at the United States Olympic team’s hospitality house by State Department officials, national swim team officials and Olympic officials. They all agreed that the swimmers should avoid further attention and that the United States Olympic Committee would soon put out a statement.

But Ryan Lochte, a 12-time medal winner, left the hospitality house and walked across the street to Ipanema Beach, where he gave a lurid interview to NBC, describing a gun-to-head holdup by men identifying themselves as police officers.

“Across the street.” Amazing.