The Sixers announced MAJOR NEWS about their new state-of-the-art Camden practice facility, complete with helipad, paid for by New Jersey taxpayers. But just in case you thought it would have to do with basketball – THE SIXERS ARE OPENING THEIR NEW PRACTICE FACILITY! – it’s not, because the practice facility is not actually done and training camp will still reportedly be held at Stockton University. Rather, the Sixers have issued a press release about the sponsors for their new facility:

The Philadelphia 76ers have today announced the “starting five” Founding Partnerships associated with the team’s Training Complex: Toyota, NovaCare Rehabilitation, Virtua, NFI, and Kimball Office.  The Philadelphia 76ers brand itself will remain the prominent focus in the 125,000-square-foot Complex, signifying the team’s commitment to the integrity of the iconic brand and dedication to building an elite organization at the new Training Complex off and on the court.

The Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for the Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex’s Basketball Operations Facility will occur Friday, September 23, at 10:00 a.m.; media must RSVP by Monday, September 19 via 76ersPR@sixers.com.

“The opportunity to think differently and be innovative is the hallmark of this organization and at the very foundation of the Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex,” said Philadelphia 76ers CEO Scott O’Neil. “When an organization sets out to build the biggest and best Training Complex in professional sports, you elevate your expectations, which also applies to creating the most strategic and authentic opportunities for marketing partners.  These marketing partnerships provide the opportunity for major brands like Toyota to connect meaningfully with performance, NovaCare Rehabilitation with health and wellness, Virtua with nutrition, NFI with logistics, and Kimball Office with innovation; all while celebrating and highlighting the value of the Philadelphia 76ers brand within our new home.”

No one gives a shit. Public companies announce this stuff because it has an actual impact on their shareholders. Private companies typically do so if it impacts their customers in some way – WE’VE PARTNERED WITH X TO BRING YOU Y, WHICH YOU’LL LOVE – but the Sixers do it to tell you that they’re making money. I mean, this is the most nauseating line of corporate speak your offended fandom will ever read:

“Our design was to create an organic platform to incorporate the right partners through authentic integration meaningful to their businesses,” said Philadelphia 76ers Chief Sales and Marketing Officer Chris Heck. “The completion of the Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex signifies a new era for our team; it is grand, it is real, and it reflects new Philadelphia.”

What’s more, they get some of the simple-minded automaton loons who cover the actual team to buy into it hook, line and sinker. Here’s Keith Pompey, writing about something in a press release because his beat algorithm is programmed to do so:

The 76ers are calling them the “starting five.”

Toyota, NovaCare Rehabilitation, Virtua, NFI and Kimball Office are the five founding major sponsors for the team’s new two-building training complex on Camden’s waterfront. The basketball operations building is set to open this week. The business operations building is expected to open around January.

While the sponsors will have logos on several parts of the complex, the Sixers brand will remain the focal point of the 125,000-square-foot complex. The basketball operations facility will have a visible sign that reads “Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex.” Meanwhile, the business operations building’s sign will read “76ers.”

Groundbreaking journalism there.

I love what the Sixers are doing with both the team and its branding (jerseys, court, in-game experience), but my God their need to operate like a public company is so lame. No other local team does this sort of C-suite chest-pounding like the Sixers. How many times have they made some big announcement about a partner that was almost completely self-serving and useless other than to tell fans what ads they’ll be seeing more of? This would be like me writing a post not to tell you about a sponsor’s products – get tickets to the Tapped Craft Beer Festival at the Elmwood Park Zoo – but to tell you that I got a sponsor. It serves no other purpose than to stroke yourself and simultaneously the ego of the partner just because you enjoy the motion and feel of manual stimulation. It’s weird.