Phillies

I Want To Marry Mike Trout!

By Kyle Scott

Published: Mar 30th, 2017 · 4:33 PM EDT

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I assume there is a state that would allow me to remain married to my current wife but also enable me to tell people that Mike Trout is my husband and not be lying about it, no? We wouldn’t have to consummate things – that’s not how I roll… really, I’m more of a Chase guy – but we could, you know, be best friends who were legally connected to each other. And after reading this Ringer article about how Trout is just the friendly, unassuming superstar the world doesn’t know it has, you’ll want to join this polygamous relationship, too. Excerpts!

After living in New Jersey for 21 years, I had never met someone who routinely went to Wawa — the Mid-Atlantic convenience store mecca, home to Hoagiefest, the best gas station coffee on the planet, and quart jugs of iced tea popular among construction workers and high school students — and routinely ordered soup. I looked at Trout the way Texans look at me when I tell them the most important part of barbecue is the sauce, and pressed him for an explanation.

He had none. “I like the chicken noodle soup,” he repeated. And that was that.

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Since arriving in the majors, Trout has played five full seasons, and he’s won five Silver Slugger awards and made five All-Star teams. He’s led the American League in WAR five times, and finished no worse than second in AL MVP voting, including two wins. Since 1901, nobody except Williams has produced more WAR than Trout in his first six seasons, though Williams played an extra 81 games, and five of those seasons were pre-integration. Trout has the sixth-highest OPS+ (minimum 2,500 plate appearances) for a player in his first six years, though everyone ahead of him except Ty Cobb was older and played in a less valuable corner position. Trout has two 10-win seasons, a feat only five players (Trout, Bonds, and three Hall of Famers) have ever achieved. At his current pace, Trout will close in on 60 career WAR — the modern sabermetric floor for a Hall of Fame career — in early 2018, when he’s 26 years old, and with less than seven years of service time. He’ll have Hall of Fame numbers three years before he’s played long enough to be eligible for the Hall of Fame.

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Trout is the best player among the post–Mitchell Report generation, but he might not be the most popular. Every so often, MLB releases a list of the best-selling player jerseys, and while Trout is usually in the top five or 10, he’s never led the list. Griffey had his detractors, but he looked like a movie star, moved like a ballerina, and was intensely brand-conscious. Trout looks like a thumb, moves like a bison, and is intensely not brand-conscious.

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What separates Trout from those who might seek to utilize him as the poster boy for a serious, solemn, puritanical brand of baseball, though, is that Trout himself is neither particularly self-serious or solemn in his own conduct, nor puritanical about others’. He’s never publicly criticized Harper or anyone else for arguing a call or flipping his bat, and Trout leads the league in chatting with opposing infielders while he’s on base — to be fair, he’s on base a lot. With his big, ever-present grin, Trout often resembles nothing so much as a golden retriever given human form, and his attitude, at least as far as we know, is more ecumenical than Calvinist — he wants to play the game his way, but however you want to play the game is OK too.

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If Trout wants to be rich, he’s in Year 3 of a six-year, $144.5 million contract that, even after taxes, agent’s fees, and other expenses, will still put his great-grandchildren through college. When he hits free agency at age 29, he’ll probably ring the bell for another half billion. He’s on TV every night and has his own shoe, so he’s plenty famous already.

Trout wants other things, too, and his current level of fame grants them. A keen amateur meteorologist, he gets to go on the Weather Channel with Jim Cantore. He wants to root for the Philadelphia Eagles. The longest answer he gave me, by far, was about wide receiver Alshon Jeffery, who signed with the Eagles the day before I talked to Trout.

“Obviously last year we were banged up a little bit. Now they have some guys Carson [Wentz] can throw the ball to,” Trout said. “It put a lot of pressure on the young guys last year; [Nelson] Agholor and [Jordan] Matthews, put on a full workload. I knew how they felt, you know, coming into the league and being a professional. It just takes time. With Alshon and Torrey Smith coming in, it’s going to help them a lot.”

Oh please, Mr. Mike, take advantage of that California law and opt out of your contract with the Angels. OH PLEASE, SIR. PLEASE! PLEASE!

Read the full thing here.

Side note: Later in the article, the author pointed out that Trout has an endorsement deal with Subway, thus explaining his Wawa comment. The best brand ambassadors are the ones who make you think they’re not pitching. Me? I’m less subtle– TAKE UP TO 20% OFF IN OUR SPRING SALE WHICH ENDS TOMORROW. Shop now.