What to Expect from the Phillies This Year: Eight Predictions

We’re just a couple days from the start of a predictably unpredictable 2017 baseball season. Fresh off my Sixers predictions where I batted nearly .500 (but totally, 100% nailed three things), allow me to look into my crystal ping pong ball and prognosticate about the Phillies:

Odubel Herrera will flip a bat so hard it’ll enter the stands

El Torito gets a little excited sometimes. His bat flips have become a thing of legend, whether they’re on home runs, long fly balls, fouls, or pop-ups. And just look at how he reacted after taking a walk this spring:

That bat still hasn’t come down.

Aaron Nola will start slow, hit his stride, and go down with another injury

Nola got injured last season and failed to get through two innings in his spring finale. His fastball is thought to be a concern, but the Phils’ brass think he’s fine, physically, and that he just has to get himself back into the right frame of mind that his arm is fully healthy. He emulates Pedro Martinez, with more arm torque. And so, after he shakes off the rust and returns to form as the Phils’ #2 starter but de facto ace, he’ll get hurt again because happiness is fleeting and nothing goes as planned.

Freddy Galvis will force some hard decisions

Freddy Galvis was robbed of a Gold Glove last year. It belonged to him and his .987 fielding percentage. But in the batters box, he left a lot to be desired. While you can’t scoff at 26 doubles and 20 home runs out of the shortstop position, his average was not good and his OBP was abysmal. He, um, doesn’t have the best approach. Leslie Gudel laid this out in her piece last month. And Galvis’ position is a problem. With the Phils’ #1 prospect, J.P. Crawford, waiting in the wings, Galvis may be looking over his shoulder. Crawford was inconsistent in 2016, but he’s still the #6 prospect in all of baseball. Galvis is a good starting shortstop, but when it’s Crawford’s time to reach the majors and stay there, what will happen to Freddy? That’ll be one of the biggest decisions Matt Klentak has to make.

Tommy Joseph will hit a Home Run for every year he’s been alive

He’ll hit 33 home runs. There is no way Tommy Joseph isn’t at least 33. Look at him:

He looks like Ben Davis’ older brother.

The Phillies will stage a fake beheading of the Phanatic on Game of Thrones Night

An excerpt from the Daily News the next day:

CITIZENS BANK PARK– The screams of children were only overpowered by the cries of “How could you do this?” by parents as a stuffed and bloodied Phillie Phanatic head lay on the third base line.

“Something went wrong in the front office,” a source familiar with the inner workings of the team told me. “We all knew, deep down, that it was a terrible idea. But we’re all so excited for the return of Game of Thrones…I guess we thought we were too big to fail.”

But fail they did, as tears streamed down the faces of children wearing floppy Phanatic hats, now looking more than ever like a severed head worn as a trophy.

It all happened in the middle of the fifth inning, when the PA system played Game of Thrones’ familiar “Rains of Castamere” theme and the Galapagos Gang rode in on fake horses.

“I tried to stop it, but it was too late,” PA announcer Dan Baker said. “My mic was cut off, the doors were locked, it felt like the Red Wedding.”

What happened next is up for debate, as those who experience severe trauma often have their memories shaped in different ways. Some remember Iggy firing an arrow. Some say Calvin swung a broadsword. All remember Bessie raising the Phanatic’s head in victory.

The Phillies have canceled all remaining theme nights, and the team claims the rumored plans to shoot the Phanatic with a laser during Star Trek night are “fake news.”

Matt Stairs will find a way to get ejected

I don’t know the last time a hitting coach got ejected, but if there’s a better candidate than Matt Stairs, I don’t know who it is. Stairs isn’t your typical hitting coach, and I expect him to be much more animated than he was in the broadcast booth. I don’t even want him to get an ejection, I need it. And then I need him to drink a beer and get his ass pounded, for old time’s sake.

Brock Stassi will become a fan favorite

This is already happening, but 1B/OF Brock Stassi will become a quick and easy fan favorite. Philly fans love an underdog story – Chris Coste – and rooting for a guy who was picked in the thousands and spent six years bouncing around the minors before blowing up this spring is an easy chore. That’s so tailor-made for Philly fans I almost don’t believe it. If we’re living in a computer simulation, Brock Stassi is proof.

The Phils will barely improve on last year’s record, but we’ll feel much better about it

Last year’s season was really goddamn weird. There was a point, not too far into the spring, where we wondered out loud if the Phillies were actually good. They weren’t, and we won’t have that moment this year. Instead, we’ll get a more consistently mediocre team that wins five or six more games than last season, but does so without consistently blowing our minds with their negative run differential. And that, my friends, is progress.