The Phillies just introduced Gabe Kapler to the assembled media. He was wearing clothes and made every single man in the greater Philly area feel inadequate. It is unclear if his balls were tanned.

I took a few screenshots from the Phillies’ live stream, but I couldn’t decide on which to use, so you can just punctuate each of these with an exaggerated shutter sound. Work it, Kapler:

That jaw line could impregnate you.

Luckily for us, Kapler prefers solitude, a burnt chest, a cool breeze, and the soothing sensation of coconut oil, as detailed in his blog posts. Howard Eskin asked him about it in literally the most delightful exchange I have ever seen in Philly sports media. Behold:

Before we got to the topic of slapping oneself ‘neath the gentle sway of a moonlit palm tree, Kapler struggled to get his suit jacket off because he’s literally so strong:

So what about the meat? Was there any? You bet there was.

Before Kapler talked at length about his progressive views, Matt Klentak, who suddenly seemed very uncool next to Kapler, whose natural state is preening, noted that the last four teams in the World Series are among the most progressive in baseball and reiterated that the Phillies want to embrace that approach.

Kapler opened up talking about the Phillies’ history of success(?), and cited recent managers and players like Larry Bowa, Charlie Manuel, Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins and (swoon) Chase Utley, with whom Kapler became close in LA, where he was director of player development.

If there’s a guide to nailing your introductory press conference in Philly, it absolutely includes talking about Chase Utley’s preparation, intensity and effort, which Kapler did:

“And that’s how we’re going to play baseball with the Phillies going forward. We’re going to play with that same level of intent and that same level of intensity that Chase played with. We’re gonna make razor sharp turns around the bases. When that ball enters the hitting zone, we’re going to be in powerful and athletic positions. Before the game begins, to Matt’s point earlier, we are going to prepare, prepare, prepare, so that we’ve thought through everything, and we make strong, well thought-out decisions. We are going to hunt for value at the margins. We are not going to leave any stone unturned to find our competitive advantages. We’re going to think traditionally and we’re going to think progressively. And we’re going to mold those two things together. And all of this is in an effort to bring that F-ing trophy back to John Middleton.”

I just ran through a fucking wall, but I planned it out meticulously first.

Kapler, who wears an Apple Watch, talked about building environments in which players can flourish, about how he’s engaging and warm but also intense and authentic, and how he plans to surround himself with both traditional and non-traditional coaches.

There was this exchange:

“Gabe, where are you in general on the strategic philosophy… are you a small ball guy or a big ball guy?”

“So I think that from a strategic perspective, and where I come out on strategy, is to find every bit of information whether it be traditional information, small ball information, big ball information.”

Big ball information.

Overall, Kapler was firm and confident. He penetrates the person to whom he’s responding. He looks them in the eye, says their name, and then satisfies their query, without leaving any room for ambiguity. He wears a haphazardly knotted tie. He prefers the baseball jersey: “Where’s that P? Feels really good.”

His assertive nature will be a lot for players to get used to. Kapler comes across as in command and control. He will be the Alpha in the room on Day 1. He will experiment with new techniques, while embracing the tried and true ones of his more experienced peers. He’s open-minded and yet steadfast in his desire.

He knows that communication is the key to any good relationship. He mentioned, three times, that to get through to players you have to “come on their turf,” meaning use text and other means to get your message across. “Come on their home turf.”

“Come on their home turf.”

Coconut oil is optional.