Are Imagine Dragons alternative or pop?

Not sure, but whatever they are, they suck.

And you’re gonna hear them every five seconds from now until January because ESPN started rolling out their college football promos IN FORCE this morning, 10-15 second spots featuring a snippet of a song called “Natural.”

Personally, I thought it couldn’t get any worse than hearing 30 Seconds to Mars throughout the entirety of 2017, you know, that “Do You Believe that You Can Win This Fight Tonight?” song. I had that one stuck in my head for at least five months.

But yes, it did get worse, with ESPN executives deciding to use this tune in 2018:

Man I’m pumped.

I’m ready to run through a wall right now.

I’m a linebacker sitting in my locker with my headphones on and now I’m going to obliterate the first guy who comes through the A gap.

But listen, I get it. I’m not the target.

Imagine Dragons is a safe pick because I guess they reach Millennials and Gen X and Baby Boomers alike, women and children and men who listen to shitty alt pop. It’s the same idea with Shawn Mendes performing on Penn’s Landing before next Thursday night’s season opener and the same thing with pop stars performing at halftime of every Super Bowl. They don’t need to target the 25-54 year old male demographic because those people are already watching the NFL and college football. They make these decisions to appeal to everyone and/or attract other people to the product.

In retrospect, the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction was the best thing to happen to the Super Bowl, because the NFL course-corrected and needed to get away from racy pop acts for a little while. That got us classic American and British acts like Tom Petty (RIP), Paul McCartney, and The Rolling Stones. It was easily the best stretch of performances we had over the past 20 years, then the show went back to being terrible when The Who gave way to The Black Eyed Peas in 2010 and Fergie decided to partner up with Slash for the world’s worst rendition of “Sweet Child O’Mine.”

On the music topic, the Philadelphia Flyers and the NHL probably come out on top, because only during a Flyers game do I hear music that is relevant and appropriate to the sport. I hear Pantera and Metallica and I guess they used to play Bro Hymn when they scored a goal, which is 10,000 times better than that insufferable Chicago Blackhawks song. I don’t hear Imagine Dragons, because Imagine Dragons are shit and no self-respecting ice hockey fan is going to be pumping “Radioactive” on their way to the Wells Fargo Center in October. Of course, the Flyers did commit a violation by replacing Pennywise with Fallout Boy and some Tiesto song and most of the team went up on stage with Nickelback, but when we’re scanning the spectrum of terrible music tastes in 2018, the local ice hockey team posts the fewest transgressions.

So yeah, I’m a washed up 33-year-old complainer who sounds like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, but I’d take this over Imagine Dragons any day of the week:

RIP Vinnie and Dime.