Super Bowl 53 “Who to Root For” Guide for Apathetic Eagles Fans

If you’re like me, you probably don’t give a shit about the Super Bowl. My interest level is maybe a 0.3 out of 10, because it’s the Patriots versus the Rams.

I know some people are cheering for the Patriots because they want the Eagles’ 2018 victory to stand out a little bit more. It’s the idea of, “well, the Eagles did what the Falcons, Seahawks, and Rams couldn’t do.” People believe that Super Bowl 52 means more if the Birds’ win isn’t diluted by other teams accomplishing the same feat.

Personally, I’d like to see the Pats get annihilated, because they’re disgusting cheaters. That’s the other way to approach this game from a neutral standpoint. And if the Rams win, Eagles fans can say their team beat the Super Bowl champions in their home stadium.

Here’s your brief Super Bowl 53 rooting guide.

Cheer for:

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James Develin

Jimmy D is a Montgomery County native and Boyertown High School graduate who lived right down the street from me. He played defense at Brown University and found a way into the NFL via the Florida Tuskers and Oklahoma City Yard Dawgz.

It’s a great underdog story and Jimmy is truly one of us, a hard-working, blue collar Montco guy.

John Johnson III

He mocked the Saints after picking off Drew Brees in overtime during the NFC Championship Game because he didn’t like New Orleans trash talking the Birds. He’s a P.G. County Maryland guy and is friends with a number of Eagles players.

Duron Harmon, Sebastian Joseph-Day, and the McCourty twins

Rutgers dudes.

Bryce Hager

A former Nick Foles teammate who also went to Westlake High School in Austin. His dad, Britt Hager, was an Eagles linebacker in the late 80s and early 90s.

Joe Judge

The Pats’ special teams coordinator grew up here and went to Lansdale Catholic.

Wade Phillips

Buddy Ryan’s defensive coordinator back in the day.

Do not cheer for:

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Tom Brady

A known cheater who participated in the Deflategate scandal. Also a whiner and complainer.

Bill Belichick

A known cheater who spied on opponents.

Stephen Belichick

Bill’s son, he’s guilty by association.

Julian Edelman

A known cheater who was suspended for PEDs.

Josh McDaniels

While in Denver, his video coordinator broke the rules by filming a 49ers walkthrough practice. McDaniels was not involved, but he failed to immediately inform the league office, therefore he is a rule breaker.

Aaron Donald

A University of Pittsburgh alumnus.

Ndamukong Suh

Cheap shots and dirty hits.

Sean McVay

He’s the hottest coach in America, or whatever, yet he’s lost twice on his home field to Super Bowl champion Doug Pederson.

Gronk

Just kind of a dumb guy, also threw that dirty hit on Tre’Davious White:

Preferred outcome:

Jimmy Develin runs for 75 yards and 3 touchdowns while pancaking Aaron Donald and Ndamukong Suh into nothingness. John Johnson III intercepts Tom Brady 4 times and runs each one into the endzone. Jared Goff finishes 16-38 with three picks.

Rams win 28 to 21.

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6 Responses

  1. I’m rooting for the Pats only because I know if they win it will piss off liberals when Tom and Bill head to the White House.

    In related news, Trump 2020.

    1. I’m rooting Rams and I’m a huge Phillidelphia fan I have been there my entire life I will not root for the Patriots or cowboys and it isn’t the Rams fault the zebras didn’t make the call

  2. Does anyone really care about this game. I mean talk about a less hyped, less exciting Super Bowl. Like seriously

  3. Cheaters Bowl all the way, it’ll be interesting to see who will win. May the biggest cheater win! Amen! Lol!

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