Every now and then you get to wax poetic about shit. But I haven’t gotten to wax poetic about the Phils since 2012, unless you want to include lamenting the Ryne Sandberg and how he couldn’t figure out how to use a phone and left the Phillies for dead in the middle of the season and fucked off to Arizona. Not enough is made of what a loser Sandberg was as a manager.
But we’re not here to talk about the twice-abandoned Ryne. Nope. Not today. We have priorities, stories.
Spring Training baseball is a beautiful thing, a literal pastime where the “big” game comes to small, warm places. The connection to superstars is never closer. And so, the way in which Gabe Kapler, he a fan of sun-seasoned testicular indulgence of the coconut variety, learned of John Middleton’s massive member swing that landed the Phillies Bryce, Motherfucking, Harper:
— Matt Breen (@matt_breen) February 28, 2019
“We had some fans behind us who were sharing moment by moment tweets with us,” Kapler told reporters. “We were getting literally like four fans right behind where we were sitting telling us terms and who was tweeting what. We’re like ‘Who’s making the reports? We better make sure that this person is credible.'”
Imagine being the fans who got to inform the Phillies manager that his team just acquired one of the best baseball players on the planet, officially turning his squad into a contender. You won’t find that little joy in the NFL. Just an innocent moment between fan and coach, on an Earth-quaking acquisition.
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Morning Wood, anyone?
Jake seems ready in his $225 Versace underwear.