Job Opportunity: Philadelphia Union Mascot

Gritty and Phang at Talen Energy Stadium
Photo Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Hey guess what?

If you’ve ever wanted to be a professional mascot, now’s your chance.

The Union posted a job opening looking for somebody to be “Phang,” the purple snake with two feet.

Here are the qualifications for the gig, after the jump:

QUALIFICATIONS:
  • Previous mascot experience is mandatory
  • Due to costume restrictions, candidate must be between 5’8”-6’0” and weigh between 140 lbs.-200 lbs.
  • Punctuality is mandatory as well as (sic)
  • Must be available to work nights, weekends and holidays
  • Must have a knowledge of soccer and basic soccer skills
  • Must have own, reliable transportation
  • Must be highly energetic, communicative and athletic
  • Ability to work in adverse weather conditions
  • Willingness to be trained and coached
  • Ability to interact with and entertain groups of all ages

=======

Gotta be between 5’8″ and 6’0″? That’s not a lot of wiggle room there. I’m 6’1″, 170, so I’m disqualified. And the bagel boss guy is too short for the outfit, so he’s disqualified as well.

If you fit the description, however, you should apply for the job. You can be the next Phang, and you can go on stage with the Wu Tang Clan:

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6 Comments

  • Kate Devlin July 11, 2019 at 1:57 pm

    Did Kinker quit his side job as Union Mascot in order to write bigger and better and less stolen articles…….and they didn’t have a replacement?
    Shame on you Union!

    Go KInker Go!

    curl hair, slat and kinker belly fat!

    -Kate Devlin

    Reply
  • OneManWolfpack July 11, 2019 at 2:06 pm

    Kevin, I’ve heard you say you say you are color blind, but the snake is blue.

    Reply
    • Ben Rothlisberger's Pool Boy July 11, 2019 at 2:08 pm

      when you sniff glue and huff, everything is purple…………….

      Reply
    • Kevin Kinkead July 11, 2019 at 2:12 pm

      is it really?

      Reply
  • Meeeeee tooooo July 11, 2019 at 2:11 pm

    Thanks this article gave me aids.

    Reply
  • STFU July 11, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    God this site is horrible.

    Reply
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