Back by popular demand, it’s Crossing Broad’s “Worst of Philadelphia” March Madness bracket.
We didn’t do the series last year, but it was received well enough in 2018 that some folks requested a 2020 return, and since we are a reader-first website, we decided to oblige.
This year, you’ll see some familiar faces in the bracket. The defending champion, the hellish death trap known as the Schuylkill Expressway, has returned as a #1 seed. Similar to the Duke Blue Devils, the committee has handed the Expressway an easy home game in front of their fans for the opening round.
Will the Coronavirus force this year’s tournament to be played in empty arenas? We’ll find out, but until then, here’s your 2020 bracket:
This may be the most stacked field EVER. The Expressway is really going to have a difficult time maintaining its spot on the throne of crappiness with behemoths like “Josina Anderson and her snitch” making their March Madness debut. I could even see a first-round upset with the Kenney vs. Mummers conflict taking out the city wage tax.
Similar to the first time around, all voting will take place on my Twitter feed. We will start tomorrow with the left side of the bracket, which I have dubbed the “Fishtown” regional. All matchups will take place at the outdoor hockey rink. The right side of the bracket is the “South Philly” regional and those games will be played in the Tollman Joe’s parking lot, underneath I-95.
Here’s some more information on each of the contestants:
The worst of the worst.
The overall #1 seed, the Schuylkill Expressway, is sure to cause aggravation and strife, especially when it narrows from four lanes to two lanes at City Avenue, where the assholes in the left lane try to cut in front of you.
The wage tax returns as another #1 seed this year, a greedy bastard who takes a bunch of your money, which then mysteriously disappears.
Over on the other side of the bracket, Josina Anderson and her snitch are a trendy pick to win it all, while the Philadelphia Parking Authority was STUNNED by Comcast customer service in the Elite 8 back in 2018. This year, the PPA will try to lie, cheat, and scam their way to victory.
Furor over the soda tax subsided in 2019… or did it? We’ll find out, as this bastard enters the competition as a #2 seed.
Another newcomer entering the fray as a #2 seed is “arguing about the Flyers on sports radio,” which has resulted in a lot of subtweeting between Russ and others.
Looking to rebound from a disappointing performance the last time out is “trash EVERYWHERE,” which is certainly one of the worst things about Philadelphia. And sliding in as the final #2 seed is “trying to sneak in a safe injection site,” which resulted in South Philadelphia moms going absolutely apeshit on Ed Rendell and forcing the cancellation of a planned site meant to help heroin addicts get help.*
*To be clear, I am neither pro-site or anti-site. The 36-hour South Philly debacle is the contestant here.
Some of the #3 seeds felt slighted, and complained that they deserved a #2 seed or even a #1 seed.
And I could understand their arguments. Pot holes and sink holes are a true scourge. Angelo Cataldi’s fake outrage is powerful. Wawa haters have crawled steadily up the shit list while nobody needs political tweets from sports writers.
This is truly a grotesque menagerie of contenders.
Residents along Wolf Street in South Philly are FED Up. They say this sink hole and another around corner on 17th & Wolf have gotten bigger and bigger & the city still hasn’t fixed them. More On @FOX29philly tonight at 5 & 6. pic.twitter.com/xryb6L7HjZ
— Dawn Timmeney (@DawnFox29) October 11, 2018
Corrupt politicians? Can’t find a parking spot? Traffic at the sports complex? All diabolical.
I’d even give the “Mayor Kenney vs. Mummers conflict” an outside shot at winning it all. Talk about a mess there. You’ve got black face, personal attacks, and nasty letters being written. It truly is a loathsome amalgam of nonsense.
Voting begins tomorrow. Print out this bracket, put it on your refrigerator, study the teams, and do whatever you need to do to win your office pool.
Gettin Gritty With It – Froggy Carr Club ft. Will Smith pic.twitter.com/Aml5m8rMAs
— Kyle (@KyleWooderboys) January 2, 2020