The New Jersey shore is set to reopen for Memorial Day, which is fantastic news.

Of course, we must abide by health and safety rules during the COVID-19 pandemic, and Governor Phil Murphy issued a number of guidelines that will go into effect next Friday. There will be “capacity and admission limitations” and six-foot demarcation in specific areas. Additionally, playgrounds, rides, arcades, and other related gathering spots will remain closed.

That’s a good start, but we want to make sure we’re going above and beyond. Therefore, we are sending the following additional recommendations to Governor Murphy’s office for consideration, just to be safe:

  1. Men will not be allowed to wear pastel colored shorts.
  2. To limit spread of the virus, Speedos and Crocs are banned.
  3. The boat shoes + no socks look is deemed unsafe and hereby prohibited.
  4. No Dallas Cowboys apparel.
  5. To ease traffic and congestion, toll booths will be shut down for the summer.
  6. Any store selling Vineyard Vines clothing must remain closed.
  7. Parking meters will not be enforced. It’s just too risky.
  8. At the Surf Mall, limit of one henna tattoo per customer.
  9. Due to social distancing rules, beach badges will not be checked.
  10. In an effort to spur economic growth, alcohol can now be sold in Ocean City, instead of driving to Circle Liquor next to The Crab Trap.
  11. If you would like a Fudgie Wudgie or orange creamsicle, you cannot hail the ice cream person. You must order via app and arrange for contactless pickup.
  12. If you’re going to snort cocaine in the Whitebrier bathroom, you must wash your hands afterward.
  13. Teenagers are only allowed on the boardwalk from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., Monday through Friday.
  14. Politicians will forfeit 50% of their pay, which will be redistributed to local breweries
  15. For financial stability, New Jersey property taxes will be reduced and permanently capped at 1%.
  16. On the Wildwood boardwalk, stores may only heat press one Marilyn Monroe t-shirt at a time.
  17. To celebrate the reopening of the economy, Gym, Tan, Laundry tank tops now 50% off. Soffe shorts that say “Irish Girl” are now 85% off.
  18. Yum Yum Affair will have all ice cream seized by authorities and redistributed to shoobies.
  19. A score of 50+ on pop-a-shot at Wonderland will award a free COVID-19 antibody test.
  20. Seagulls are banned.
  21. If you’re coming from Northeast Philadelphia, you must wear a mask.
  22. Free fudge samples will still be given, but you must catch it in your mouth (max 3 attempts per customer)
  23. All rentals will be assigned via randomized draw. No one can rent within three miles of a previous rental.
  24. The haunted house ride at Pirate Island amusement park will now feature up-to-date COVID-19 infection rate charts.
  25. Movie theaters will remain closed. However, Stone Harbor will now show the very best American films on the beach, once per week, beginning with the 1996 classic, Black Sheep.

I’ll email these over to Governor Murphy’s office and we’ll see what they have to say.


Let’s all follow the rules and stay safe.

h/t Coggin, Craig, John Infanti, and Rick M. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MWG-BrkyZE