Yeah, I know we’re pushing for content, but this is week seven without sports, so give me a break here.

It’s May 4th, aka Star Wars day. As such, I thought it might be a good idea to do a dorky dive into the eleven movies of the series and rank them from worst to best.

Problem is, I haven’t seen Solo or The Rise of Skywalker, so the list will have to be incomplete.* Apparently they were not very good, according to Coggin and others, and deserve a position on the bottom half of the list, so the integrity of our nine-movie ranking should remain at least somewhat intact.

This is how I’ve got it:

9. The Phantom Menace (1999)

Jar Jar Binks, bad plot, bad acting, etc. Terrible movie outside of maybe one Darth Maul scene. Let’s not waste more words on this entry.

(no Youtube clip worth inserting here)

8. The Last Jedi (2017)

Some baffling moments in this one, like Princess Leia floating into space ala Mary Poppins and the clunky casino planet scene, which felt out of place. There was some filler in The Last Jedi that could have been very easily trimmed.

Perhaps the worst part of the movie was the way they decided to kill off Supreme Leader Snoke before we actually learned anything about the guy. However, on the positive end of the spectrum, Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley did a really nice job with their respective roles, which made their combined character dynamic enjoyable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubfMKfA87c0

7. Attack of the Clones (2002)

Not a horrendous movie, certainly better than Phantom Menace, but it just sort of “exists.” I don’t know if that makes any sense, but this film basically just bridges the gap between the horrible first movie and pretty good third movie.

The thing that bothered me the most about Clones was anything involving Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, who had zero on-screen chemistry. Everything with Christensen felt forced, like he was overdoing it. It felt very teenage and/or immature to me, which I guess was the point, but regardless, it was unenjoyable.

Seeing Yoda wield a light saber for the first time was probably the highlight of the film, and if you watched this live in the theaters you probably remember people cheering out loud during this scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UUQIIOO8RM

6. The Force Awakens (2015)

We saw it in theaters with a bunch of other excited people, but was the movie any good? Yeah, it was decent. I think everybody was just happy to be watching a Star Wars film again and didn’t really care about the plot one way or another.

Gotta be honest, I remember very little from this film. Kylo Ren’s character is intriguing, yeah? The son of Han and Leia. That was a good idea. Can’t say I was ready for Solo’s death, but the movie basically just followed the New Hope storyline and delivered, in a vacuum, what people were looking for at the time, which was a straightforward, safe, and traditional Star Wars experience.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sarFZJl3h0

5. Revenge of the Sith (2005)

It’s important to the Star Wars storyline.

The final prequel shows Anakin Skywalker’s fall from grace and explains to us the genesis of Darth Vader. It’s a slightly better Christensen performance, and the dissolution of his relationship with Obi-Wan Kenobi was actually interesting and made you care about the characters for the first time in a long time.

That was one of the problems with the prequels; you just never really felt invested in any of the new people that were introduced, but there was enough in episode three to partially salvage the series.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_dwkjQHre0

4. Rogue One (2016)

Rogue One is dope, for lack of a better word. I feel like the casting in this movie was MUCH better than what they came up with for the new trilogy. Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Ben Mendelsohn, Mads Mikkelsen, etc – they all nailed it. That, combined with the timeline connection between the prequels and A New Hope, is what made this movie a really fun watch. It was a nicely done one-off that felt like it belonged in the Star Wars universe.

This one is also a little darker, isn’t it? It’s a suicide mission with a bittersweet ending, and stands out as unique in a contemporary Disney world.

3. A New Hope (1977)

The one that started it all.

Think about the scenes in this movie that stand the test of time. You’ve got the Mos Eisley cantina. Sand people. The trash compactor. Luke with his father’s light saber. The introduction of the Death Star. Darth Vader choking petulant home boy and then saying “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” There’s really not a bad clip in the entire thing.

You have to have A New Hope in your top three, or else your list is fugazi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6PDcBhODqo

2. Return of the Jedi (1983)

I’m not entirely sure why people complain about Return of the Jedi. Is Jabba’s palace weird? Maybe, but this is supposed to be a quirky space fantasy story. Are the Ewoks out of place? Perhaps, but they’re kind of goofy and fluffy and the forest battle was cool.

Jedi ties up the original trilogy with a killer space fight and sees one of the best character turns ever written into a fiction film, when Darth Vader picks up the Emperor and tosses his ass over the railing. Then his helmet comes off and we see him for who he really is.

It’s a legendary moment and satisfying payout.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9xytMepcj8

1. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Everything about it is near-perfection. The opening scenes in Hoth, Yoda’s training in Dagoba, the asteroid belt, Cloud City, Vader telling Luke that he’s his father, etc. There were a ton of series-defining moments in the 1980 sequel.

It really is a story building masterpiece, less about the flashy space fights and special effects, and more about the intertwining of various characters, with a bit more depth than the 1977 debut film. Empire doesn’t stand on its own as an independent film, but when you consider how important it is to the sum of the original parts, it very easily takes the top spot on my list.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLvpsZkLmF8