Dear God people, the ball is moving. And not a Sisyphean ball that’s just going to roll all the way back towards the fiery depths when we finally get to the top, but a real honest to goodness ball that is slowly gaining momentum and hurtling towards the renewal point of sweet, sweet sports. LIKE A PHOENIX RISING FROM THE ASHES, WE ARE BORN AGAIN.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf cleared the way for professional teams to resume competition (without fans) by June 5. New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy cleared the way for the Flyers and the Sixers to once again resume practicing in the Garden State. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has been ready to pave over the Everglades and catapult every infected Floridian and Markelle Fultz into the Gulf of Mexico for some of that sweet, sweet professional sports revenue since April.

The path to return is clear after we lost the last three months to some kind of a local health problem or something? A virus? I’m not quite sure what that’s all about, haven’t heard too much about it. Co-Vin? I don’t know….the only thing I’m infected with right now is SPORTS FEVER (and Syphilis).

But it’s been so long since we’ve watched anything outside of German soccer, Serbian ping pong and back-alley South Jersey cock fighting. What storylines should we expect when we’re thrust back into the summer sports Shangri-La?

Phillies

A new manager in Joe Girardi, a new top-line starting pitcher in Zack Wheeler (who is probably already nursing a sore elbow somehow) and the same old bullpen peppered with reclamation projects you drafted in the 15th round of fantasy back in 2014. EVERYBODY BLOWS LEADS, WOO HOO!

Gone is perennial singles hitter Cesar Hernandez, replaced with Didi Gregorius on a team friendly “show me” contract, who should help shore up the infield despite a cardboard cutout of Placido Polanco penciled in to start at third base. Andrew “Larry” McCutchen is back. Jean Segura stopped drinking bourbon. The sky is the limit.

Aside from Wheeler joining the starting staff, all spots are locked down except for the CRUCIAL fifth starter in the rotation. Will it be Nick Pivetta? Will it be Vince Velasquez? Selfishly I hope Velasquez gets the nod, if only to further promote a statistic of my own creation. This is the season “The Velasquez” (an appearance by a starting pitcher that lasts less than five innings in which he gives up three or more earned runs and throws more than 70 pitches) finally takes off.

The Phillies still don’t know whether they want to pay J.T. Realmuto after this year, but I guess he’s lucky to be getting paid at all this season with the way some teams are going.

They can’t spit this season, but hopefully they won’t suck.

Flyers

Maybe God doesn’t hate Flyers fans after all, as it looks like the best chance this team is going to have to win a Stanley Cup since 2010 is BACK ON. Of course this could all backfire in our faces with the Flyers losing in the second round to the Penguins or some other horseshit team, but they wouldn’t disappoint us like that right? RIGHT?!

The season is set to return in an amazing 24-team tournament with the top-12 teams from each conference, with seeds based on points percentage. In an interesting twist, each team will be allowed an expanded roster of 28 players including UNLIMITED GOALIES. The Flyers are not to be trusted with one goalie, let alone an unlimited amount. They should take full advantage and have Bernie Parent on the roster to offer sage advice and teach Carter Hart how to pick up on women after each game. You can’t let them friend-zone you, young blood. Throw a bone to Maxime Ouellet and let him sit on the bench and ride the Zamboni at intermission.

It does, however, remain to be seen if Mike Missanelli got himself suspended (or took vacation? lol) on purpose simply so he wouldn’t have to take calls from Flyers fans in the dead of summer. I’d respect him more if that was his plan all along.

Sixers

How is this going to work? Training camp in July, a return to the season in August at Disney World, and a quick and easy exit in the second round so a newly reunited Ben Simmons and Kendall Jenner can ride Splash Mountain again? Has Joel Embiid been working out AT ALL? Would he even fit in one of the Splash Mountain seats right now or would an embarrassed Disney employee have to get an extender belt? Did anyone even let Furkan Korkmaz out of the Wells Fargo Center before it was locked up for the pandemic? So much more remains to be seen with this team.

I’m not entirely sure this team has the mental fortitude to win playoff games played out of the cozy confines of Philadelphia while sleeping on lumpy, bedbug-ridden mattresses at the All-Star Sports Resort in Disney World. A young Coggin knew that was a dump when he stayed there for his senior trip and my standards were NOT HIGH. I’m not sure I brushed my teeth once on that trip. I am a disgusting animal.

Is Ben Simmons even healthy? His back was mush the last time he limped around the court against Milwaukee and I’m not sure the sedentary pandemic lifestyle is all that amazing for a broken spine.

That’s about it, right? Should be a great return for everyone involved and will definitely fill that emptiness in our souls that family and religion just couldn’t satiate….. at least until Rudy Gobert starts touching microphones again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbWU6DVKlTc