Today is Presidents’ Day, a holiday for honoring past Presidents, or something like that. It’s pretty lame. Does anybody really care about Rutherford B. Hayes or Chester Arthur? What about Herbert Hoover? I’m willing to bet that maybe less than five people in the Delaware Valley care about this holiday, and that they all work in academia.

That’s hot take #1, that Presidents’ Day should not be a holiday. Here are 50 more hot takes in the latest installment of our critically-acclaimed, award-winning column:

  1. All Americans who have off for Presidents’ Day should be given the option of trading it in for an extra day off in the summer.
  2. McDonald’s ain’t it.
  3. The Eagles should trade both Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts and draft a quarterback.
  4. We need a moratorium on Carson Wentz “reports.” No more tidbits from national media members until the trade actually happens.
  5. The Eagles need to bring back training camp. It was a huge insult when they got rid of it.
  6. Once per week, the local radio stations should have a “no Eagles day,” where all Eagles talk is banned. Other sports only.
  7. It should be illegal for the Sixers and Flyers to play at the same time.
  8. All political parties should be abolished. You should only be able to run as an independent.
  9. When COVID is under control, all jobs should be hybrid in-person and virtual. Three days in the office and two at home. People are much more productive at home, and you’re saving gas/money/resources with employees who don’t need to waste time commuting five days a week.
  10. Don’t trust anybody who says they enjoy winter.
  11. Also don’t trust anybody who cites +/- numbers when talking basketball.
  12. If you’re an able-bodied man, you should shovel. Snow blowers are only allowed if you’re 40+ or have a medical condition.
  13. The rent is too damn high.
  14. COVID vaccine line jumpers should go to jail.
  15. The sport most affected by the lack of fans was college football.
  16. We should keep the NHL in these new divisions. It’s pretty rad that the Canadian teams are playing each other nightly.
  17. People who run outside in the winter are strange.
  18. The worst topic in Philadelphia sports is Ben Simmons and the jump shot. Neanderthal-level discourse there.
  19. One of the problems with hockey is that it’s hard to talk about on the radio and on social media. There just aren’t a lot of made-for-discussion topics out there. Not enough people care about the third defensive pairing to cut through the Carson Wentz and Ben Simmons noise.
  20. The Union Twitter account needs to stop posting about Brenden Aaronson and Mark McKenzie. Those guys are gone, let’s sign some replacements already. We are hungry for news.
  21. The worst Nick Jr. show is Ricky Zoom.
  22. The most underrated Peppa Pig character is Dr. Hamster, and she should be featured in more episodes.
  23. One of the worst things is when sports writers get all defensive when coaches and players mention that they never played the game. Why does this bother y’all? The bottom line is that if you coach, ref, or play the sport you write about, you bring more credibility to the table.
  24. Curt Schilling is a moron, but he was being considered for the Baseball Hall of Fame, not the morality hall of fame. He should be in.
  25. Don’t respond to media stories with “why is this a story?” It’s a story because we decided it was.
  26. There’s a big difference between a “tease” and “clickbait.” Clickbait is when the body of the story is just meaningless fluff. A tease is a well-written headline that generates interest.
  27. People don’t understand how the 1st Amendment works. “Free speech” doesn’t mean I can yell “Boyertown high school grads are redneck trash” at my Dairy Queen job or post it on Facebook without repercussion. As private-sector companies, they more or less decide what to allow and disallow in their respective spaces.
  28. Stuffed crust pizza is redundant. There’s already enough cheese on the main part of the pie.
  29. The Postal Service’s “informed delivery” ruins the surprise of opening the mailbox and seeing what’s inside.
  30. Going to Disney World as a grown adult, without kids, is really weird.
  31. Whomever does Dana Perino’s hair and wardrobe needs a raise, because this woman is on point, daily.
  32. Florida avocados just don’t cut it. You’ve got to go with the Hass avocado.
  33. Generational cutoff points need to be adjusted. If you’re between 25 and 40 you’re a Millennial, but the average 40 year old has very little in common with the average 25 year old in 2021.
  34. Spicy food is pointless. If you have to drink water ever five seconds, then it defeats the purpose.
  35. You can’t discredit the Union by saying that they play in Chester. Who gives a shit? The Giants and Jets don’t play in New York and the 49ers don’t play in San Francisco. The Braves don’t play in Atlanta.
  36. It’s appalling how so many college graduates call themselves an “alumni.” You are not an alumni. You are an alumnus or an alumna. Alumni is the PLURAL version of the word.
  37. Suburban Facebook groups have some of the dumbest posts ever. People constantly ask questions that are very easily Googled, like “hey does anybody have a good meatloaf recipe?”
  38. The federal government should limit the amount of IPAs offered by craft breweries to 25% of the menu. For example, if you brew eight beers, only two of them can be India Pale Ale.
  39. In sports labor disputes, don’t negotiate through the media. Nobody cares. Just get it done.
  40. Cancel culture absolutely exists. Don’t believe anybody that tries to tell you otherwise. As a reasonable society, back in the day, we used to accept apologies and use mistakes as a way to educate. Now the primary goal is to see people fired and de-platformed, which doesn’t serve the purpose of remediation.
  41. People say Americans are uncultured and bad at geography, which is somewhat true, but you gotta understand that our country is about as big as the entirety of Europe. You could drive from California to Pennsylvania and it would be like driving from Portugal to Latvia. The difference is that there are seven countries separating the latter. Naturally, Europeans are exposed to more cultures and more languages and live in a more homogenized kind of way. We’re sort of isolated over here.
  42. People say “America is the greatest country in the world,” but unless you’ve spent time in the 194 other countries, you can’t really know this.
  43. In the U.S., we’re really bad at getting things to people. Vaccines, stimulus checks, etc. Our processes need to be totally reworked and updated.
  44. Nirvana does not belong on the Mount Rushmore of grunge bands. I’d go Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, and then Nirvana at #5.
  45. Vinyl is too expensive. There’s no way I’m paying $29.99 for your limited-edition purple colored LP.
  46. Low-pile carpet is better than high-pile carpet. It’s more rugged and easier to clean.
  47. I thought Twitter would be more palatable with Trump out of office, but I was wrong. It’s worse than its ever been.
  48. The most recent Star Wars trilogy was an abomination.
  49. Apple is an annoying company.
  50. Daughters are awesome. Everybody should have one.

Thanks for reading. On this Presidents’ Day, let’s honor all of the great presidents we’ve had.