The commercials were kind of a dud this year, no? It felt like we had a crypto, electric vehicle, and metaverse company shoved down our throat every third commercial.

So lets rank ’em.

Here are the top 5 using the scientific model of my brain:

5. Pringles: “Stuck In”

I’ve always had a bone to pick with the Pringles jar. You either get your hand stuck trying to reach the bottom or you pour them out and every single time Pringle crumbs get all over the place. Also, how did the Pringle jar not rust over time? Seems like a lead poisoning risk. I know you’re supposed to abandon real life when watching these, but it’s all I could think about. And for continuity’s sake Pringles, there’s no shot you could get scrubs in the can if it was on that tight:

I would never play golf with the guy who had Pringles as a hand. He would never be invited to the club scramble. No chance he has enough torque to play from the rough. Not to mention, you now have to explain to all of your buddies why your partner has a can of Pringles on his hand. Just doesn’t seem worth the energy.

4. UBER Eats “Don’t Eats”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=30&v=Ri-rXPw5Cnk&feature=emb_title

For as long as I’m here at Crossing Broad, if Gwyneth Paltrow is eating her vagina candle in any Super Bowl commercial, it will be in the top 5. That is my promise to you. Greg the Egg and Stiffler’s mom eating paper towels and pounding dish soap was just a cherry on top. Once I saw that crazy broad munching on some wax I made a note of it.

3. NFL “Bring Down The House

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PhfMtZce1k

Howie Roseman does want to get younger on defense:

For a league that says it is tough on concussions, they love having current and former players beat the ever living shit out of each other in their commercials.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJjiIuH1VnY

2. Silverado Sopranos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bZYqFsU72Y

So I guess we know that Meadow and Anthony survived the shootout in the diner. Jury’s still out on Carmela and Tony. This was a great commercial. Once I heard the horn(?) I fist pumped. We had shots of Freedom Tower, the NJ Turnpike toll, smoke stacks, Satriale’s! Where the hell was PIZZALAND? Were budgets too tight for a PIZZALAND shot? Were we thin on daylight?

Not having PIZZALAND is like NBC not having a cheesesteak shot when the Birds are playing on Sunday Night Football. Gotta play the hits. Add the Bada Bing in post. Come correct or don’t come at all. Forgetting the classic shots of the Sopranos theme song is what kept this out of the #1 spot.

1. Coinbase

This one was the most controversial. You had the Boomers who thought it was so dumb for Coinbase to waste $14 million on a commercial that only had a QR code. You had the Millennials who loved it because of the nostalgia of the DVD screen as your hungover elementary school teacher made it a “Movie Day.” Then you had the Zoomers who scanned the QR code and crashed the Coinbase website almost instantly. Most normal people didn’t let it ruin their night. The SBNation Instagram manager isn’t most people:

Take it easy man. It’s a commercial. Did the Coinbase CEO sleep with this guy’s girlfriend or something? This might be the worst take ever. Seems like a lot of people were introduced to crypto last night:

Worst: Kia Robo Dog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=61&v=HoNMz_OV_dI&feature=emb_title

Dog suicide? We went from Blake Griffin jumping over Kias to dog suicide? Kia looking like Icarus over here.