It was a hungover brunch Sunday, two weeks ago, that I cut my breakfast burrito vertically by mistake. I’ll never return to the old ways.

When I had brunch yesterday at Front Street Cafe I ordered the breakfast burrito and did it again:

*This picture doesn’t do it justice. Sorry I’m not the fucking Ansel Adams of brunch pics. 

First things first, I hate my burritos smothered. I don’t remember the menu saying it was going to be smothered in cheese and red sauce, but I wasn’t firing on all cylinders after a night of High Noons (sidenote: the new Kiwi flavor is pound-for-pound their best). So when the burrito came out smothered it was already impossible to eat with my hands. In that case, I’m already using a fork and knife to eat this thing. Second, look at the steam release valve I created down the middle. This thing was hotter than molten lava when it came out. Sizzling like one of those fajita dishes at Outback Steakhouse. I made an incision, the steam evacuated, and it was immediately ready to eat.

The vertical burrito is the Matt Vierling of dishes. You can do plenty with it and it comes through in the clutch. I can choose to eat the tortilla or not. This morning I wasn’t feeling tortilla. Its beach season. Calories in, calories out. So I went to work on the innards. Do you like surprises? When you think there’s no more left, sometimes you lift a pocket where they rolled it and discover there’s more meat, rice, and beans. When you eat a burrito the way society wants you to, the last bite is the last bite. Not to mention, I can add whatever I want or I can dip the innards in sour cream or hot sauce. When you have a full burrito you never get the proper dip-to-burrito ratio. Or you’re left looking like an idiot trying to shake your sour cream out of the little plastic ramekin so hard you’ll need Tommy John. The vertical cut is an elite cut. The filet of burritos. All I’m saying is don’t knock it ’til you try it. They laughed at Einstein, too.

Kinkead: This is terrible. It’s basically just a glorified bowl but it looks like something out of Stranger Things. Like a Demogorgon’s head or Lord Vecna’s rear end.