We All Know Why James Harden is Expected to Return “Likely in Houston on Monday”

Photo Credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Beard update:

Do you think it’s a coincidence James Harden looked at the schedule and picked Houston to return when the Sixers have three days off between games? Neither do I. I think James is going to visit some friends around the Houston area postgame:

Story starts at 21:18 if it doesn’t skip right to it: 

They better have a bulk order of rubber bands Amazon Prime’d to the Dreams Houston this weekend. The forecast is calling for rain:

If I had to power rank the Sixers that would be the most fun at a strip club it would look like this:

  1. Georges Niang – He’s firing a stack of dollar bills off of stripper’s butt cheeks within the first 30 minutes. If Harden is the king of the strip clubs, Niang is the jester. While James is sitting in the club chilling and bopping his head to the music, Niang is the hype man. When you think the night’s over, Niang is giving you a pump up speech that gets the party a second wind. He’s also not spending any money. He strikes me as a guy who knows how to have fun but within his financial means. He’s your buddy at the casino who gets $100 out and either stops when he loses it all or walks away when he doubles it. He’d get a grand from the bartender and blow through it in one song. Just like when your buddy blows through his money playing roulette you toss him a couple chips to play a hand or two Harden lends him a couple stacks to go have fun.
  2. Tyrese Maxey – The young guy that just discovered strip clubs. Every time he see’s boobs he acts like it is the first time he’s ever seen boobs. He’s got a smile from ear to ear as he’s getting a lap dance. He tells you he’s not a virgin, but he’s definitely a virgin. Chances are he’s losing his virginity to a stripper that night in the champagne room.
  3. PJ Tucker – The OG of the group. Looking out for everyone. Has a good radar for when shit is about to go down and it’s time to go. Too old to be in the strip club, but he’s a vital part of the experience and doesn’t bother anyone so he’s accepted. Definitely has a toothpick.
  4. Furkan Korkmasz – There’s something about European guys that when they pass that entranceway into a club they turn into another person. I don’t care he’s from Turkey. He’s the most European Turkish guy I’ve ever seen. (Kinkead – technically I think part of Istanbul is in Europe and the other part is in Asia) He’s finding his way up on that stage and he’s gonna be shirtless and sweaty. Woman are gonna give him free dances because he’s hot and he can utilize the language barrier to his advantage.
  5. Danuel House – He just strikes me as the grimy one. Every friend group has the grimy strip club guy. He’s eating a lollipop that was just in a girl’s pussy. He loves a ping pong ball show. Guy is a menace, but man does he have the most hilarious stories.
  6. Paul Reed – Chills. He’d pull a Matt Barnes and watch James Harden throw a bunch of money that he’d pocket for himself when nobody was looking.
  7. Joel Embiid – It all depends on how the big guy is feeling. We know he can flip the switch at a moment’s notice – ex: The Jewish wedding he was at over the summer. If he’s not in the mood he’s better off just being left in the hotel. He’s gonna bring down the energy and you don’t want anyone moping in the club.
  8. Matisse Thybulle – Kicked out the first hour because he wouldn’t stop taking his shoes off and walking around the club.
  9. Tobias Harris – He’s sipping Macallan 15 at the bar and reading W.E.B DuBois. He’s also trying to save every stripper in there. Spends money on the Champagne Room and uses the entire 30 minutes to convince her to go to school, chase her dreams, and open up childhood trauma.