Believe it or not, the Eagles and 49ers do NOT have a vaunted playoff history we can dissect and pour over leading up to Sunday’s NFC Championship Game at the Linc.

In fact, the Eagles and 49ers have only met in the playoffs once… all the way back in the ancient year of 1996.

Ahh 1996. What a time. Bill Clinton was president and only smoking cigars and not putting them in people, Benito Santiago was slugging 30 home runs for a 67-win Phillies team, and Allen Iverson was a young, impressionable rookie for the 76ers who was learning the importance of having a strong work ethic from team veteran Derrick Coleman.

The Eagles, with head coach Ray Rhodes, went 10-6 on the way to a Wildcard appearance. Their prize? A date with the 12-4 (!) San Francisco 49ers, helmed by Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young, at 3com Park.

Lucky for us, a copy of the game exists entirely on YouTube. Let’s jump in the wayback machine and check out the most memorable moments of an Eagles playoff game that time has mostly forgotten.

Click on the SCREEN CAPS to access each clip, as the NFL won’t let us embed the actual video on this post, because they suck.

Pat Summerall welcomes us LIVE to San Francisco’s 3Com Park for today’s Wildcard clash between the 10-6 Eagles and the 12-4 49ers. My GOD the dulcet tones of Summerall bring me right back to watching the NFL as a 14-year-old. A highlight package of hits that would levy a lifetime of bans in today’s NFL reminds us that football was a very, very different sport in the late 90s. I can practically see the brain matter leaking out of the linebackers’ helmet holes as coaches yell at the dazed athletes to “walk it off.”

Ty Detmer helms the Birds after going 7-4 on the year as a starter. He’s opposed by NFL God Steve Young in San Francisco. Will the upstart Detmer’s career rival that of Young’s when all is said and done? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

SPOILER ALERT: It won’t. Never put your trust in a quarterback who looks EXACTLY like Rob Dyrdek.

It’s Ricky Watters’ first game back in San Francisco after fleeing the wretched state of California for the wonderful and fruitful sports landscape of Philadelphia that was the mid-90s. I’m sure it will turn out to be a decision he won’t regret and everything will end on fabulous terms.

Look at those numbers though. My God. 1,855 total yards from scrimmage to lead the league? He was an absolute BEAST.

Madden said Rhodes had a talk with Watters earlier in the week to “keep his mouth shut.” Madden was the best. BOOM!

Eagles have a hell of an opening drive going against the 49ers’ defense. Marching into the red zone with precision and crisp decision making. It all goes to hell though when Watters makes absolutely no effort to block a blitzing linebacker and Detmer gets smeared into a fine paste by a linebacker that was probably all hopped up on greenies.

Madden is absolutely disgusted with Watters.

“Ricky Watters was supposed to block him. That was a poor, poor blocking effort by Watters. That was terrible, that stinks.” His analysis becomes the backbone for every single call to 94 WIP for the next six months.

Gary Anderson absolutely shanks a field goal in the 60 mile-per-hour wind. I know he was a great kicker, but you can’t depend on a guy who looks like your grandpa after he’s been huffing paint thinner behind a Home Depot dumpster for three hours.

Get used to the theme of the Eagles marching into the red zone and coming away with absolutely nothing. You’ll see it quite a lot in this one.

By the way, watching football back in the mid-90s was an AWFUL experience. We had no idea how much better it would get in less than 10 years. Sure, not having the first-down line on the field is garbage, but the broadcasts would flash the down and yardage for 0.3 milliseconds before each play. It STUNK.

GOO! Jerry Rice is just absolutely demolished by middle linebacker James Willis on a hit that would have garnered about 15 penalty flags and at least three separate think pieces in The Athletic on the inherent violence of football. Helmet to helmet, leading with the crown of his helmet, Willis celebrating over the prone corpse of one of the greatest wide receivers of all time… that’s just clean, hard-nosed football, baby!

I’m DYING at these player pictures. Did the Eagles start the season with the goal of signing the ugliest kicking team in the league? Eagles punter Tom Hutton looks like he walked in on his mom taking a gigantic dump right when they took his photo for the broadcast.

The first quarter ends and we’re STILL at 0-0.

Steve Young muscles his way through just about the entire Eagles defense on a 10-yard draw for the first touchdown of the game. He got hit no less than 30 times running that draw…it’s also probably a good time to mention he was playing with broken ribs in this game. Nobody gave a SHIT about player safety back then. His throwing arm is basically dragging on the turf as he runs back to the sidelines with a look on his face that doctors of the day could only diagnose as “fuzzy brain syndrome.” Treatment? Rub some dirt on it and get back out there.

Eagles are in desperate need of a response here. Detmer hits the IMMORTAL Chris Jones on a nice crossing route for a big gain. Summerall incorrectly identifies him as Jason Dunn, a young tight end “who the Eagles believe is a wonderful prospect.”

Spoiler alert: He wasn’t.

For some reason Eagles fullback Kevin Turner is a HUGE focal point of the offense today, as Rhodes has been dialing up a dizzying array of fullback screens, fullback pitches, fullback swing passes…Turner is doing it all for the Birds in 3-yard chunks at a time as the Eagles again (!) drive back into the red zone.

When was the last time the Eagles even had a fullback on their roster? 2004? 2005? (Kinkead: I think it was Leonard Weaver..)

Anyway, I’m feeling great about this drive. 3rd and 1 at the 7? At least getting three out of this.

RUN THE DAMN BALL, RAY! Detmer drops back for about 12 steps and is under immense pressure before lofting a pass ever so gingerly into the waiting hands of a 49ers cornerback for a backbreaking interception. Gross.

Detmer is basically Brett Favre, but without any of his talent (and Favre’s future penchant for dick pics). Never saw a bad decision he didn’t decide to make.

I’m no offensive coordinator, but I imagine Rhodes may have wanted to consider taking the ball out of Detmer’s hands and giving it to his superstar running back. Or at least Kevin Turner again.

But you know what helps you cope after a disgusting red zone turnover? The SERIES PREMIERE of King of the Hill! Bobby! That boy ain’t right.

HACHI MACHI. Look at the size of those cleats. Linebackers back in the day would often use them to subversively gouge out the eyeballs of offensive lineman during pile ups. If caught, however, they’d receive the stiffest of sanctions in the late 90s NFL… a 5-yard penalty and loss of down.

Madden says the Eagles need to start getting pressure on Young today, and if it’s going to happen it’s going to have to come from Mike Mamula. Mamula immediately gets pancaked during one of the worst executed spin moves I’ve ever seen.

I’ll save you the trouble, John, he’s never going to get pressure on anyone.

SHIT!

It’s STILL 7-0 as the Eagles get the ball back before the end of the second half. Detmer IMMEDIATELY drives down into the red zone, getting inside the 10 with one minute left. Kevin Turner lays one of the hardest blindside blocks I’ve ever seen in my life on 49ers linebacker Lee Woodall. You can practically hear his brains being scrambled over the broadcast.

Madden and Summerall have a nice little chuckle over Woodall’s head bouncing off the turf like a coconut splitting open wetly on a rock. Concussion? What’s a concussion? Never heard of it. Sniff some smelling salts and get your ass back out there.

3rd and 3 on the six and Detmer attempts a sidearm pass into the middle of the field against what could conservatively be described as quadruple coverage. Immediately intercepted. WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON OUT HERE?!

This Detmer kid may not have a bright of a future as we all thought.

Halftime and the 49ers lead it 7-0.

The second half starts and the Eagles force a quick punt after the 49ers receive the ball. The Eagles possession ends in Detmer being absolutely PLANTED on one of the least athletic and frightening quarterback scrambles that ends in Niners lineman Bryant Young smashing all of his weight on Detmer’s ragdoll body.

Detmer’s got the look of someone who is constantly on the verge of tears at all time, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was absolutely bawling as he went into the training room.

Don’t worry though, gang, Mark Rypien is warming up to come in. I’m sure this will go great.

Jerry Rice has been quiet all day, with only one catch for three yards. Steve Young must be tired of his broken rib shards stabbing into his heart after every called draw or sneak, so he lofts up beautifully thrown 40 yard pass to Rice. Bobby Taylor got absolutely burned before Rice is brought down at the three by Troy Vincent.

This Eagles secondary was LEGIT. Did anyone think we’d get to see Bobby Taylor, Troy Vincent, and a young Brian Dawkins for years to come after this? Definitely one of the only bright spots to this game.

Young to Rice. Touchdown. You ain’t stopping that. 14-0.

We get a quick mention of the 49ers defensive coordinator, a young Pete Carroll, who is just about five years away from pondering if jet fuel can create temperatures hot enough to melt steel beams.

Hope you’re tired of all this scoring, because that’s going to be it for the rest of the day!

Mark Rypien comes into the game with the energy level of a deadbeat dad who is forced to actually spend a weekend with his kids. “You like legos right?…There’s some legos in the other room… just stop bothering me. Sheila’s coming over in an hour and I need you to be cool.”

It goes about as well as you could expect.

AFLAC TRIVIA TIME! Who are the only four Wildcard teams to make the Super Bowl? The 1975 Dallas Cowboys, the 1980 Oakland Raiders, the 1985 New England Patriots, and the 1992 Buffalo Bills. Only the Raiders ended up winning…who did they beat?

The 49ers have the ball back and it’s quite obvious they don’t give two shits about the Eagles offense, just running the ball at will, knowing damned well if Philadelphia gets the ball back that Mark “I’ll call you on your birthday, I promise” Rypien will do absolutely nothing with it.

Summerall and Madden rag on some guy in the stands who looks exactly like WWF Superstar Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Here’s Madden’s exact words:

“He’s the guy that has the stuff that’s he’s not supposed to have, and he doesn’t have the stuff that he’s supposed to have. HE’S IN CHARGE OF THAT ROCKET RIGHT THERE!”

The rocket in question? A church steeple they decided to put on the broadcast for no reason. Madden was the best.

The Eagles had never been shutout in their playoff history up until this point. I think that streak’s getting broken, as Rypien is basically playing with all the joy and energy of someone appearing in DUI court.

Young is STILL running sneaks and draws in a game the Eagles obviously don’t have a chance of scoring in. He pays for it with a shot to his liquefied ribs from Dawkins. STEVE RUN OUT OF BOUNDS, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU. It’s killing me to watch this nearly 30 years later.

The 49ers drive all the way down to their 30 and decide to punt instead of attempting a 46 yard field goal. The NFL was very, very different in 1996.

The Eagles get the ball back and do jack shit (surprise), forced to punt back to the 49ers. There’s two-minute left in the game, time to just let the clock run out, no need to put Steve Young in any more danger…he’s got a game next week.

OH MY NO. It’s 3rd and 12, so you know what that means….IT’S NAKED BOOTLEG TIME. You can practically see the bone marrow leaking out of Young’s chest as Brian Dawkins again levels him with a flying tackle he would patent over the next few years.

All worth it though. He got the first down.

Mercifully, 49ers Head Coach George Seifert calls for Young to kneel for the next four downs, giving the ball back to the Eagles with about 30-second left, just enough time for Rypien to throw a Hail Mary into the waiting hands of about eight 49ers for a game ending interception.

::Chef’s Kiss::

Beautiful. A perfect time capsule into what being an Eagles fan in the 90s was like. Short, intermittent bursts of success that we all knew would inevitably result in nothing but heartache.

You kids don’t know how good you have it.