The Phillies are selling Beer Bats this season!!!!!!!!!!

How did the Phillies let fans break this news? Didn’t we have a bunch of reporters down at the stadium this week so the team could fellate themselves over giant scoreboards and new food items? How the hell didn’t they build up the pageantry for the new beer bat? Baseball season’s can’t miss item! Miss me with the jerk chicken sandwich. The Phanatic should’ve came out on his ATV chugging a beer bat with a fireworks show and Born in the USA blaring over the speakers. Is this still America’s Pastime? Do I have to continue to show this franchise what the fanbase wants? More beer bats. More Dollar Dog Nights. More winning. That’s the recipe for success. It’s not that hard.

This also means draft beer is back for the first time since COVID, which is HUGE! I love a Bud Light tall boy, but there is nothing better than a crisp draft beer and a hot dog at the game. Lets get Jason Kelce and the fellas out deleting beers all summer:

BUT we’re still not all the way there. Yet. We need one more thing and that’s extending the beer cut-off times. I talked about it last month, but cutting off beer in the 7th inning this season is like cutting it off in the 5th inning last year because of the pitch clock. EXTEND THE BEER! The Brewers are already experimenting with it. Let us be your guinea pigs, Phillies:

We gave you four hours of hell. Give us three hours of beer.