Do we have a frozen envelope situation on our hands? If you missed it last night, and you probably did because the NHL draft lottery went quicker than Doc Rivers blowing a 20 point lead, Kevin Weekes spoiled the draft order as they were going to commercial:

People are calling for an investigation! There’s no chance the NHL was going to let hockey’s next crown jewel waste away in Anaheim. The Blackhawks just covered up sexual assault and all they got was a slap on the wrist and a $2 million fine, which they made up for 15 minutes after the lottery:

So was the NHL in cahoots with the Hawks? Unfortunately, no.

Here’s 16 minutes of the Gary Bettman doing the lottery drawing and it is a Zach Galifianakis away from being an episode of Between Two Ferns. I’ve seen studio apartments in NY with more square footage than this office. If you don’t feel like watching the full thing I’ll break it down for ya:

This entire video was awkward. Scott from Ernst & Young, who kept the balls in his briefcase while Bettman had his, had to wave like Gary didn’t have his wife and kids hostage behind that black curtain. In the end, was that Ivy League degree really worth it to get bossed around by this elf?

The Flyers and Coyotes each had a rep there. Did we really need to fly the Coyotes guy across the country for 7.5% odds? Were the Rangers busy? Did I miss them advancing to the second round or something?

Raise your hand if your team went on a meaningless four-game win streak in March to kill any chances at acquiring a generational prospect and then fired their lap dog GM:

What a spread! A couple bags of chips and some expired salsa Bettman got out of his fridge this morning. The NHL Draft Lottery! Feel the pageantry! The excitement! The pomp!

Why is everyone waving to the camera, Gary? Seriously. I’ve seen more decorum in a hostage video. Does Bettman think we would actually believe he spent money to create a Frank Seravalli robot just so that he could rig the lottery and give an original six team the number one pick? It would be impossible. You can’t possibly make a robot that loves Sea Isle more than Seravalli:

Look at the fucking “lottery technician!” 24 Hours ago that technician was Sunday Funday’ing and riding the mechanical bull at a Hoboken bar:

This poor sap got plucked from the intern bullpen and you know the NHL isn’t paying him overtime. There’s no chance he had a suit ready before today. That’s a Joseph A. Bank “Buy 1 Get 6 Free” special if I’ve ever seen one.

Dude I just noticed how much Bettman looks like “The Count” from Sesame Street while he was counting the lottery balls:

“That’s three. THREE! NHL lockouts since I’ve been commissioner!”

In the end I guess it was all fair and square. I don’t know, it still all feels dirty to me. The NHL got the best situation possible, but at what cost? Couldn’t they have thrown the Flyers a bone after screwing them over for Kane? Nothing like the 7th pick in a four player draft. Sell the team:

@crossingbroad

SELL THE TEAM @comcast!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! #comcast #comcastsucks #flyersprotest #flyers #flyershockey #flyersnation #flyersfan #flyersfans #xfinitylive #philly #fypphilly #nhl @crossingbroad

♬ original sound – Crossing Broad