Sunday we were at the Italian Market Festival in South Philly to make a video about the greased pole competition. Obviously, I had to participate, because you don’t get real journalism anywhere other than CB. When’s the last time you saw Mike Jerrick, Jim Gardner, or Ukee Washington climbing greased poles with the masses? This is real shoe leather journalism we’re doing in the belly of the beast.

It turns out I was maybe part of the worst attempt in Italian Market Festival history. Truly one for the record books.

I mean the fact there wasn’t a chorus of boos vibrating off the pole makes me wonder if this city is getting soft.

To be honest, my original plan was to participate for the content but I got spooked because I am a humongous pussy when it comes to heights. Like vertigo staring over the railing of a mall-type pussy. Watching some of those dudes fall from 20 feet in the air was nuts. So I thought ‘hey, let me be a base.’ 10 toes on the ground. One, because my balance is that of a newborn deer and two, because I thought I’d puke being 12 feet up in the air – which I almost did. But one of the pole climbing OGs a̶s̶k̶e̶d̶ bullied me into going up to the second rung so I had no choice. It was a real life South Philly shakedown.

The only strategy I heard them discuss was they wanted to “try something new” while salivating over my height like I was the top pick in the NFL Draft. I was their Mike Mamula. My only direction was get up there, keep my legs straight and hug the pole. Which I thought I did a fantastic job at if we’re being honest. I didn’t realize the dude who almost drug me down was supposed to get on my shoulders AND THEN another guy was going to get on his. Thank fucking God my shorts were way too slippery for him to get a good grip on, because there’s a good chance Johnny Boombats’ brain matter is still leaking in the parking lot right now. I got the tap on the leg and you could see the look of disgust on the one guys face as he told me to get down. I was kicked off the team and immediate success followed. No seriously. It was crazy. I was their Mike Lieberthal and they were the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.

Thank God this is the only footage taken.

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